1 00:00:10,559 --> 00:00:13,127 (exclaiming) 2 00:00:17,666 --> 00:00:19,100 (school bell ringing) 3 00:00:21,303 --> 00:00:22,570 (Barney belches) 4 00:00:22,572 --> 00:00:25,473 (tires screech) 5 00:00:25,475 --> 00:00:26,507 D'oh! 6 00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:27,875 (tires screeching) 7 00:00:27,877 --> 00:00:29,477 (grunts) 8 00:00:29,479 --> 00:00:32,079 (gentle orchestral music playing) 9 00:00:56,505 --> 00:00:58,506 ♪ 10 00:01:03,512 --> 00:01:04,679 (wind whistling) 11 00:01:08,517 --> 00:01:11,953 S-So lonely. 12 00:01:14,056 --> 00:01:17,325 (raspy): No sex without a ring. 13 00:01:19,294 --> 00:01:20,962 Damn it! 14 00:01:20,964 --> 00:01:23,598 (gentle orchestral music continues, giants laughing) 15 00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:26,601 (belches) 16 00:01:36,712 --> 00:01:39,213 (creaking) 17 00:01:39,215 --> 00:01:41,549 ♪ 18 00:01:44,486 --> 00:01:45,453 Mm. 19 00:01:45,455 --> 00:01:46,854 What the...?! Hey, whoa! 20 00:01:48,290 --> 00:01:49,991 (ghostly moaning) 21 00:01:49,993 --> 00:01:52,059 (crackling) 22 00:01:55,931 --> 00:01:57,665 What about us, man? 23 00:01:57,667 --> 00:01:59,467 Get your own couch. 24 00:01:59,469 --> 00:02:01,669 ♪ 25 00:02:06,108 --> 00:02:08,175 (soft organ music playing) 26 00:02:09,678 --> 00:02:12,713 (organ music continues) 27 00:02:14,316 --> 00:02:18,285 Poor Chip. Such a big part of everyone's life. 28 00:02:18,287 --> 00:02:20,621 People called him the "sixth Simpson." 29 00:02:20,623 --> 00:02:22,323 I'm not sure why. 30 00:02:22,325 --> 00:02:26,627 Chip did such a wonderful job with my biography. 31 00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:28,696 (people murmuring) 32 00:02:34,503 --> 00:02:39,040 Chip was the life of Sector 6-F at the nuclear plant, 33 00:02:39,042 --> 00:02:43,544 but Chip once confessed to me he did have a few regrets. 34 00:02:43,546 --> 00:02:44,645 (all gasp) 35 00:02:44,647 --> 00:02:46,647 Chip regretted never ascending 36 00:02:46,649 --> 00:02:49,283 Mount Springfield from the south face. 37 00:02:49,285 --> 00:02:52,486 He regretted that the high school long jump record he set 38 00:02:52,488 --> 00:02:54,288 was wind-aided. 39 00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:57,625 He often spoke of that asterisk. 40 00:02:57,627 --> 00:03:01,662 He never broke par on hole 17 at Springfield Mini Golf. 41 00:03:01,664 --> 00:03:04,065 (organ music resumes) Let us pray. 42 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,733 Eh, everyone has regrets. 43 00:03:05,735 --> 00:03:07,068 Not me. 44 00:03:07,070 --> 00:03:09,403 You? Your marriage is a dead fish 45 00:03:09,405 --> 00:03:11,572 floating in a tank of stale beer. 46 00:03:11,574 --> 00:03:14,408 Your baby's addicted to pacifiers. 47 00:03:16,745 --> 00:03:19,246 And your son is out of control. 48 00:03:19,915 --> 00:03:21,615 Let us kneel. 49 00:03:27,322 --> 00:03:29,323 (pained groans) Ow! My knees! 50 00:03:29,325 --> 00:03:31,992 40 years of healing, gone! 51 00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:33,694 (cackling) 52 00:03:33,696 --> 00:03:35,663 He's such a little dickens. 53 00:03:35,665 --> 00:03:38,265 Although Dickens was pretty well behaved. 54 00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,701 He's been screwed up since the moment Homer's DNA 55 00:03:40,703 --> 00:03:42,436 staggered into your womb. 56 00:03:42,438 --> 00:03:44,505 I have no regrets about that. 57 00:03:44,507 --> 00:03:46,607 It was a perfect pregnancy. 58 00:03:46,609 --> 00:03:49,944 Didn't smoke, didn't drink, lost three pounds. 59 00:03:49,946 --> 00:03:51,278 And every night before bed, 60 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,114 Homer would give me a little kiss... 61 00:03:53,116 --> 00:03:54,448 music! (gasps) 62 00:03:54,450 --> 00:03:57,084 Could Bart have been prenatally screwed up 63 00:03:57,086 --> 00:03:59,553 by the KISS music? 64 00:03:59,555 --> 00:04:02,223 ♪ Get up! Everybody's gonna move their feet ♪ 65 00:04:02,225 --> 00:04:05,359 ♪ Get down! Everybody's gonna leave their seats ♪ 66 00:04:05,361 --> 00:04:08,796 ♪ You got to lose your mind in Detroit Rock City. ♪ 67 00:04:09,931 --> 00:04:11,365 Huh? 68 00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:14,802 Man, this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever. 69 00:04:14,804 --> 00:04:17,238 Well, for some reason it relaxes me. 70 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,373 Now, do that thing Gene Simmons does. 71 00:04:19,375 --> 00:04:21,609 Overstay my welcome for 40 years? 72 00:04:23,445 --> 00:04:25,780 (whistling a tune) 73 00:04:25,782 --> 00:04:28,783 KENT BROCKMAN: Regrets, eh? This local newsman's had a few. 74 00:04:28,785 --> 00:04:30,751 Covering a town of backwater rubes 75 00:04:30,753 --> 00:04:33,220 who, for some reason, hate my guts. 76 00:04:33,222 --> 00:04:35,556 This is Kent Brockman... (sighs) 77 00:04:35,558 --> 00:04:38,626 live at the Springfield Peach Parade. 78 00:04:38,628 --> 00:04:41,629 Sir, could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom? 79 00:04:41,631 --> 00:04:43,230 It's a little-known fact 80 00:04:43,232 --> 00:04:45,900 that you can get head lice from peaches. 81 00:04:45,902 --> 00:04:47,935 Uh, this is my daughter Peaches. 82 00:04:47,937 --> 00:04:50,671 (sighs) We'll have more regrets at 11:00 tonight 83 00:04:50,673 --> 00:04:52,773 following an all-new bottle of scotch. 84 00:04:52,775 --> 00:04:54,608 HOMER (scoffs): You have regrets, 85 00:04:54,610 --> 00:04:57,511 Mr. "I Get to See the Weathergirl From the Side"! 86 00:04:57,513 --> 00:05:00,581 I made the worst financial decision of all time. 87 00:05:00,583 --> 00:05:02,316 Oh, I can't think about it. 88 00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:03,818 I won't think about it. 89 00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:05,619 I don't want to think about it! 90 00:05:05,621 --> 00:05:09,190 Oh, I'm thinking about it! 91 00:05:10,492 --> 00:05:11,692 Mm... 92 00:05:13,461 --> 00:05:14,662 Hmm. 93 00:05:14,664 --> 00:05:15,830 Huh? 94 00:05:15,832 --> 00:05:18,632 (shudders): Oh... that's the coolest bowling ball 95 00:05:18,634 --> 00:05:20,734 I've ever seen. 96 00:05:22,137 --> 00:05:23,604 Hello, Bear Stearns? 97 00:05:23,606 --> 00:05:25,806 I'd like to sell all my Apple stock 98 00:05:25,808 --> 00:05:28,008 so I can buy a fancy bowling ball. 99 00:05:28,010 --> 00:05:30,644 You heard me. Technology is a fad. 100 00:05:30,646 --> 00:05:33,347 Heavy, black balls are the future. 101 00:05:34,516 --> 00:05:36,851 Now let us text on our ubiquitous 102 00:05:36,853 --> 00:05:39,353 Apple tablets and phones. 103 00:05:39,355 --> 00:05:40,554 (keys clicking) 104 00:05:41,690 --> 00:05:45,192 Oh, you cost me a piece of all that! 105 00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:47,795 Oh, don't cry. 106 00:05:47,797 --> 00:05:49,663 If it makes you feel worse, 107 00:05:49,665 --> 00:05:51,866 I'm the man who bought the stock you sold. 108 00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:55,502 I'll bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all. 109 00:05:55,504 --> 00:05:57,071 Just one. 110 00:05:57,073 --> 00:05:58,873 The girl that got away. 111 00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:01,242 She broke my first heart. 112 00:06:01,244 --> 00:06:05,512 So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets? 113 00:06:05,514 --> 00:06:06,747 I have no regrets. 114 00:06:06,749 --> 00:06:08,082 Really, Mother? 115 00:06:08,084 --> 00:06:10,751 Oh, I didn't see you there. 116 00:06:16,091 --> 00:06:18,759 (Irish accent): I'm Father O'Greedy. Dimes for the needy. 117 00:06:18,761 --> 00:06:20,527 (Milhouse chuckles) 118 00:06:20,529 --> 00:06:23,530 Milhouse, are you the bottom half of that mischief? 119 00:06:23,532 --> 00:06:26,934 MILHOUSE: Uh... uh... uh... 120 00:06:26,936 --> 00:06:28,602 Oh, my. 121 00:06:28,604 --> 00:06:32,539 My pants, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways. 122 00:06:32,541 --> 00:06:34,041 Return those vestments. 123 00:06:34,043 --> 00:06:35,509 Speaking of return on investments, 124 00:06:35,511 --> 00:06:37,878 my Apple stock is up 3,500%. 125 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,414 Aw, you misheard that on purpose! 126 00:06:41,917 --> 00:06:43,550 (grunting) 127 00:06:43,552 --> 00:06:47,054 Tithe denied! Tithe denied! 128 00:06:47,056 --> 00:06:51,692 Mm. Must find way... to blame myself. 129 00:06:52,861 --> 00:06:56,130 Um, it says I should give you lumbar support. 130 00:06:56,132 --> 00:06:58,399 Better go to the lumber yard. 131 00:06:58,401 --> 00:07:00,801 "Lum- bar." It means "lower back." 132 00:07:00,803 --> 00:07:03,437 How many times will you make that mistake? 133 00:07:03,439 --> 00:07:05,572 (groans) Just put on the KISS record. 134 00:07:05,574 --> 00:07:07,741 Which one? Anything from Love Gun. 135 00:07:07,743 --> 00:07:09,109 ♪ 136 00:07:09,111 --> 00:07:12,446 Hey, book, are you expecting this? 137 00:07:12,448 --> 00:07:13,647 And while I'm at it... 138 00:07:13,649 --> 00:07:17,251 Burn, dumb, helpful books. 139 00:07:17,253 --> 00:07:19,286 That is a good fire. 140 00:07:19,288 --> 00:07:21,322 (grunting) 141 00:07:21,324 --> 00:07:23,157 (pants) 142 00:07:23,159 --> 00:07:25,459 You're going down, Bart! 143 00:07:25,461 --> 00:07:27,561 (grunts, groans) 144 00:07:27,563 --> 00:07:29,797 Ah, reckless youth. He'll be okay. 145 00:07:29,799 --> 00:07:31,565 I was referring to him. 146 00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:35,803 I had a spring in my step like that once. 147 00:07:35,805 --> 00:07:38,339 Back when I met Lilah. 148 00:07:38,341 --> 00:07:42,409 Lilah ran a little crepe stand in the seventh arrondissement. 149 00:07:43,845 --> 00:07:45,512 Oh, Monty, 150 00:07:45,514 --> 00:07:50,117 looking at you, I could lie in this unheated garret forever. 151 00:07:50,119 --> 00:07:52,086 There's heat. I just don't turn it on. 152 00:07:52,088 --> 00:07:55,456 Seeing you there, in the sweet light of Paris between the wars, 153 00:07:55,458 --> 00:07:57,157 there's a question I must pose. 154 00:07:57,159 --> 00:07:58,659 I have something for you. 155 00:07:58,661 --> 00:08:00,661 Oh! Not that. 156 00:08:00,663 --> 00:08:02,496 (chuckles) 157 00:08:02,498 --> 00:08:03,764 (grunts) 158 00:08:03,766 --> 00:08:05,132 (bubbling) 159 00:08:05,134 --> 00:08:06,433 (chuckles) 160 00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:11,805 Wrong box. Lilah, will you take that big step 161 00:08:11,807 --> 00:08:13,774 from cousin to wife? (gasps) 162 00:08:13,776 --> 00:08:16,677 Oh, Monty, you must promise me one thing. 163 00:08:16,679 --> 00:08:19,146 Anything she wanted I was willing to do. 164 00:08:19,148 --> 00:08:21,181 Anything, except... 165 00:08:21,183 --> 00:08:23,550 All I ask is that you set aside 166 00:08:23,552 --> 00:08:26,353 five minutes a day to think of others. 167 00:08:26,355 --> 00:08:29,456 When you say "others," could they be bars of gold? 168 00:08:29,458 --> 00:08:31,892 (crying): I shall find another husband 169 00:08:31,894 --> 00:08:34,228 as good as you are evil. 170 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:35,295 No one's that good. 171 00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:37,531 (sobbing) 172 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:40,968 All I have left is my drawing. 173 00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:43,971 Hm. It looked a lot better in my memory. 174 00:08:43,973 --> 00:08:45,572 Uh, but you know what, Smithers? 175 00:08:45,574 --> 00:08:48,175 I will find Lilah and win her back. 176 00:08:48,177 --> 00:08:50,177 I'll just check with the old gang. 177 00:08:50,179 --> 00:08:51,612 Hemingway! 178 00:08:52,247 --> 00:08:53,247 Picasso. 179 00:08:53,882 --> 00:08:55,649 Matador Juan Belmonte. 180 00:08:56,684 --> 00:08:59,086 And Stalin. 181 00:08:59,088 --> 00:09:01,221 That man could really put pressure on you. 182 00:09:01,223 --> 00:09:02,656 Hello, Kent. 183 00:09:02,658 --> 00:09:04,992 Well, well, well. Rachel Maddow. 184 00:09:04,994 --> 00:09:07,027 Everyone came back for Chip's funeral. 185 00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:09,496 I was flying from DC to New York and, of course, 186 00:09:09,498 --> 00:09:10,931 I had the layover in Springfield. 187 00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:12,599 How's the gang at Channel 6? 188 00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:14,935 Look, let's get this out of the way-- just because we both 189 00:09:14,937 --> 00:09:17,204 worked at Channel 6 and you made it big and I didn't 190 00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:20,007 doesn't mean I'm bitter. Um, Is that your car? 191 00:09:20,009 --> 00:09:21,708 Maybe. 192 00:09:21,710 --> 00:09:23,243 Kent, I'm gonna tell you 193 00:09:23,245 --> 00:09:25,712 the most important mistake you ever made... 194 00:09:25,714 --> 00:09:27,381 after this break. 195 00:09:27,383 --> 00:09:29,516 So, Kent, that mistake you made, 196 00:09:29,518 --> 00:09:31,518 that fundamental, life-changing error, 197 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,387 that cosmic fail, that... 198 00:09:33,389 --> 00:09:35,689 Just tell me already! After this break. 199 00:09:35,691 --> 00:09:37,291 You could have come with me, 200 00:09:37,293 --> 00:09:38,959 but you were suckling the dual teats 201 00:09:38,961 --> 00:09:42,229 of infotainment and celebrifawning. 202 00:09:42,231 --> 00:09:44,131 (upbeat theme plays) 203 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,200 So, tell us about your new movie. 204 00:09:46,202 --> 00:09:47,601 It's fantastic. 205 00:09:47,603 --> 00:09:50,771 The studio let us play in their sandbox. 206 00:09:50,773 --> 00:09:53,407 Great. We have a clip. No! No, don't show it. 207 00:09:53,409 --> 00:09:55,943 There aren't five good seconds in the whole film. 208 00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:57,478 (car door closes, tires screeching) 209 00:09:58,613 --> 00:10:01,548 I'm not a newsman anymore, I'm a geologist. 210 00:10:01,550 --> 00:10:03,584 I keep discovering a new rock bottom. 211 00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:06,453 Kent, I think I found my ticket out of this town. 212 00:10:06,455 --> 00:10:08,655 Or at least to a better Springfield. 213 00:10:08,657 --> 00:10:10,557 You two newshounds working on a story? 214 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:12,559 How about this? 215 00:10:12,561 --> 00:10:15,596 Mario's down the street found a rat in their pasta. 216 00:10:15,598 --> 00:10:16,997 When did that happen? 217 00:10:16,999 --> 00:10:18,999 Whenever you want. Eh? 218 00:10:19,001 --> 00:10:20,567 Rachel, can I come? 219 00:10:20,569 --> 00:10:21,802 We can share blazers. 220 00:10:21,804 --> 00:10:23,504 Just follow me. 221 00:10:23,506 --> 00:10:25,939 At Mario's, the picture of Sinatra on the wall 222 00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:27,975 is signed by Frank Junior. 223 00:10:27,977 --> 00:10:30,177 The frame hides the "Junior"! 224 00:10:30,179 --> 00:10:33,213 Someone's been dumping tires in the forest. 225 00:10:34,916 --> 00:10:36,917 Willikers! In my three years of soft news, 226 00:10:36,919 --> 00:10:38,652 I've never seen anything like this. 227 00:10:38,654 --> 00:10:41,989 Those are tires from my ill-fated Krusty Town Car. 228 00:10:41,991 --> 00:10:45,025 It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly. 229 00:10:45,027 --> 00:10:46,493 (laughs): What a scoop! 230 00:10:46,495 --> 00:10:48,262 You're not telling no one. 231 00:10:48,264 --> 00:10:51,331 As the 4:00 p.m. clown, I have complete control 232 00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:53,734 of the Channel 6 news division. 233 00:10:55,203 --> 00:10:57,037 Local news is a joke. 234 00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:58,539 I'm going to cable. 235 00:10:58,541 --> 00:11:00,107 Cable news! 236 00:11:00,109 --> 00:11:02,809 Bah! People only want news at 6:00 p.m. 237 00:11:02,811 --> 00:11:04,611 from white guys on weekdays 238 00:11:04,613 --> 00:11:06,446 and black guys on weekends. 239 00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:07,814 We'll see about that. 240 00:11:07,816 --> 00:11:09,616 Yes, we shall see. 241 00:11:09,618 --> 00:11:12,019 About that, things will be seen. 242 00:11:12,021 --> 00:11:14,087 By us. 243 00:11:15,323 --> 00:11:16,523 Kent, you coming? 244 00:11:16,525 --> 00:11:17,858 He ain't comin'. 245 00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:20,060 This little piggy's afraid to leave his cushy 246 00:11:20,062 --> 00:11:22,029 anchorman slop trough. 247 00:11:22,031 --> 00:11:24,631 Could you, uh, phrase that a little more nicely? 248 00:11:24,633 --> 00:11:27,334 Sorry. He "isn't" coming. 249 00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:28,802 You'll regret this, Kent. 250 00:11:28,804 --> 00:11:31,305 When I have my own show and you're stuck here 251 00:11:31,307 --> 00:11:33,707 tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole. 252 00:11:33,709 --> 00:11:35,776 "Oh, look, he's over Greenland!" 253 00:11:39,814 --> 00:11:42,950 Don't worry, piggy, you made the right choice. 254 00:11:44,752 --> 00:11:48,589 Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so. 255 00:11:56,030 --> 00:11:58,498 Look, Burns, I've got the dope on your sweetie. 256 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,500 She's still alive, and she just got over 257 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:02,569 being mad at you last week. 258 00:12:02,571 --> 00:12:03,737 Lilah's alive? 259 00:12:03,739 --> 00:12:05,405 Yeah, well, uh, she's alive, 260 00:12:05,407 --> 00:12:07,374 but she's a nun. 261 00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:09,543 Married to Jesus, eh? Does he beat her? 262 00:12:09,545 --> 00:12:12,179 Jesus? No, he's a real Eagle Scout, that one. 263 00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:15,082 But your penguin's not a Catholic, she's a Buddhist nun-- 264 00:12:15,084 --> 00:12:18,452 spent her life expressing her sexuality with a Zen garden. 265 00:12:18,454 --> 00:12:20,587 Those raked rocks could have been me. 266 00:12:20,589 --> 00:12:23,757 Now, since you're so good at finding things, find the exit. 267 00:12:23,759 --> 00:12:26,760 There is the little matter of my fee. 268 00:12:26,762 --> 00:12:29,062 You're becoming very tiresome. 269 00:12:29,064 --> 00:12:30,564 Who moved my desk?! 270 00:12:30,566 --> 00:12:33,600 ♪ 271 00:12:35,637 --> 00:12:38,272 Well, here I am. Cable news alley. 272 00:12:42,777 --> 00:12:44,845 (dog howls) 273 00:12:46,948 --> 00:12:48,915 Fox News. Is this really how I want 274 00:12:48,917 --> 00:12:50,550 to get back in the big leagues? 275 00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,419 Let's see how print journalism is doing. 276 00:12:52,421 --> 00:12:54,321 Sir, do you sell The New York Times? 277 00:12:54,323 --> 00:12:56,790 Sir, we are The New York Times. 278 00:12:56,792 --> 00:12:58,558 And in I go. 279 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,228 Why are you doing this, Bart? 280 00:13:01,230 --> 00:13:03,430 50% attention-seeking, 281 00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:06,433 50% to drop things on people. 282 00:13:06,435 --> 00:13:09,469 He's gonna visit my sky granny. 283 00:13:09,471 --> 00:13:12,739 To work at Fox News, all you have to be able to do 284 00:13:12,741 --> 00:13:14,574 is operate this device. 285 00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:16,643 Now, when a Republican is in trouble... 286 00:13:16,645 --> 00:13:19,279 At the time, I didn't know it was illegal 287 00:13:19,281 --> 00:13:22,149 to sex up a cow on the Capitol steps. 288 00:13:22,151 --> 00:13:23,717 ...we simply do this. 289 00:13:28,022 --> 00:13:30,691 Now you try. 290 00:13:34,529 --> 00:13:37,164 Sorry, but I just discovered I have some scruples. 291 00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:39,299 I'm going back to my sweet little town 292 00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:41,301 where I can decide what news is. 293 00:13:41,303 --> 00:13:42,903 Like a god. 294 00:13:44,305 --> 00:13:46,440 We've had some good times. 295 00:13:46,442 --> 00:13:48,709 ♪ Memories 296 00:13:48,711 --> 00:13:54,348 ♪ Rest between the pages of my mind ♪ 297 00:13:56,851 --> 00:14:00,387 ♪ Memories 298 00:14:00,389 --> 00:14:06,526 ♪ See me through the ages just like wine... ♪ 299 00:14:06,528 --> 00:14:09,830 And you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep, 300 00:14:09,832 --> 00:14:12,065 so I'm getting you shined up nice. 301 00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:14,468 What the...? 302 00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:16,136 Oh! 303 00:14:16,138 --> 00:14:18,138 That's a ball-proof window, sir. 304 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:21,041 Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital? 305 00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:24,978 SIRI: I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you. 306 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,413 Deleting all contact information. 307 00:14:26,415 --> 00:14:28,515 No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri. I... 308 00:14:28,517 --> 00:14:30,650 Delete confirmed. 309 00:14:34,822 --> 00:14:37,224 BART (groans): Oh. Okay, Bart, be cool. 310 00:14:37,226 --> 00:14:39,860 Calm down, you're not gonna die up here. 311 00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,228 (indistinct chatter) 312 00:14:41,230 --> 00:14:42,662 (whooping, gunfire) 313 00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,664 (yells, whimpers) 314 00:14:49,437 --> 00:14:50,937 Aw... 315 00:14:52,874 --> 00:14:54,007 D'oh! 316 00:15:05,186 --> 00:15:07,921 Oh, Monty, I can't believe you found me 317 00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:10,190 after all these years. 318 00:15:10,192 --> 00:15:12,526 I've saved myself for you. 319 00:15:12,528 --> 00:15:13,693 Well, then, uh... (nervous chuckle) 320 00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,595 I should disrobe at once. 321 00:15:15,597 --> 00:15:18,231 Housekeeping? Send up a Chinese dressing screen 322 00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:21,435 and one of Firestone's finest vulcanized prophylactics. 323 00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:24,004 Be right back. (laughs softly) 324 00:15:26,541 --> 00:15:28,542 Smithers? Which do I take first, 325 00:15:28,544 --> 00:15:30,644 the rhino horn or the tiger tongue? 326 00:15:30,646 --> 00:15:32,312 I have my doubts about both, sir. 327 00:15:32,314 --> 00:15:34,581 Bah! I'll just do it the old-fashioned way. 328 00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:35,715 With my pump. 329 00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:38,118 (engine sputtering) 330 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,786 (sputtering continues) 331 00:15:39,788 --> 00:15:41,755 (chuckles): Just powdering my nose, darling. 332 00:15:41,757 --> 00:15:44,124 (engine continues sputtering) 333 00:15:45,927 --> 00:15:48,628 Smithers, run down to Sears, Roebuck 334 00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:50,964 and get a five-eighths-inch Phillips head bolt. 335 00:15:50,966 --> 00:15:52,966 (tires screech) 336 00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:55,569 (sighs) Here I am, slowly dying every day 337 00:15:55,571 --> 00:15:57,571 at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00. 338 00:15:57,573 --> 00:15:59,306 BART: Help! Help! 339 00:15:59,308 --> 00:16:02,843 Child in danger with exciting visuals! 340 00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:04,177 This kid's corpse could be 341 00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:06,079 my magic carpet. Get me a cameraman! 342 00:16:06,081 --> 00:16:09,449 The movie Up has come horribly to life over Springfield. 343 00:16:09,451 --> 00:16:11,685 A local boy clings to life in a story 344 00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:13,653 that proves this reporter's relevance. 345 00:16:13,655 --> 00:16:15,188 BART: Ay, caramba! 346 00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,990 (gasps) It's Bart! 347 00:16:16,992 --> 00:16:18,525 Pray for a miracle, boy. 348 00:16:18,527 --> 00:16:20,594 God can hear you better from up there. 349 00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:22,596 Dear Lord, please help me land safely. 350 00:16:22,598 --> 00:16:25,432 Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot 351 00:16:25,434 --> 00:16:27,667 that I control with my mind. Amen. 352 00:16:27,669 --> 00:16:28,635 That's not a prayer. 353 00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,537 My God says it is. 354 00:16:34,609 --> 00:16:37,911 Oh, I see you're ice-cold with anticipation. 355 00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:41,181 Dead? 356 00:16:41,183 --> 00:16:42,616 Oh, Lilah. 357 00:16:42,618 --> 00:16:45,652 Even at the end, I waited too long. 358 00:16:45,654 --> 00:16:47,854 What if I give her the breath of life? 359 00:16:47,856 --> 00:16:49,456 (soft exhale) 360 00:16:49,458 --> 00:16:50,690 Oh, boy. 361 00:16:50,692 --> 00:16:52,792 I guess one regret just leads to another. 362 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:55,061 You know, sir, maybe it would bring you peace 363 00:16:55,063 --> 00:16:57,564 to honor the one thing Lilah ever asked of you. 364 00:17:00,635 --> 00:17:02,502 Here you are, my good man. 365 00:17:02,504 --> 00:17:04,671 A little broth will cure your mental illness. (chuckles) 366 00:17:04,673 --> 00:17:06,139 Sir, that's five minutes. 367 00:17:06,141 --> 00:17:08,208 You can stop thinking of other people now. 368 00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:11,211 You know what, I think I'll give it another five. 369 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,415 I'm proud of you, Monty. 370 00:17:15,417 --> 00:17:16,850 (kissing) 371 00:17:16,852 --> 00:17:18,552 I ain't eatin' that. 372 00:17:21,756 --> 00:17:24,357 Chief, what are you doing to save our son? 373 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:26,359 Well, I've placed marksmen on the roof 374 00:17:26,361 --> 00:17:28,328 to shoot the balloons one by one, 375 00:17:28,330 --> 00:17:30,163 but frankly they're not very good. 376 00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:31,498 (gunshot) (grunts) 377 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,533 (whining): Chief, it happened again. 378 00:17:33,535 --> 00:17:36,069 Aw, come on, guys, spread out. Arm's length. 379 00:17:36,071 --> 00:17:37,604 It's all my fault. 380 00:17:37,606 --> 00:17:39,172 I should never have listened 381 00:17:39,174 --> 00:17:41,741 to those KISS albums when I was pregnant. 382 00:17:41,743 --> 00:17:44,277 Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. 383 00:17:44,279 --> 00:17:46,580 My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches 384 00:17:46,582 --> 00:17:48,415 when she was pregnant with Ralphie, 385 00:17:48,417 --> 00:17:50,550 and he can't even open a refrigerator. 386 00:17:50,552 --> 00:17:52,419 Pushing, always... always pushing. 387 00:17:52,421 --> 00:17:53,620 Really? 388 00:17:53,622 --> 00:17:55,288 Oh, yeah. That kid's a mess. 389 00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:57,524 Hey! Only I get to criticize him, Lou. 390 00:17:57,526 --> 00:18:00,093 Kid's scared to flush. Think's it's his brother. 391 00:18:00,095 --> 00:18:03,463 Can we focus on my son up in the sky? 392 00:18:03,465 --> 00:18:05,065 Oh, I've got a long-shot idea. 393 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:09,069 By which I mean firing a shot over a long distance. 394 00:18:09,071 --> 00:18:10,770 (chuckling) 395 00:18:10,772 --> 00:18:12,572 Yeah, you see, if we could fire 396 00:18:12,574 --> 00:18:16,643 an exactly 12-and-a-half-pound weight into the basket, 397 00:18:16,645 --> 00:18:19,779 it would lower the boy very gently to the ground. 398 00:18:19,781 --> 00:18:23,383 Unfortunately, all our cannonballs were melted down 399 00:18:23,385 --> 00:18:26,152 to make a statue of Joe Paterno, 400 00:18:26,154 --> 00:18:28,722 which we changed to look like Eugene Levy. 401 00:18:30,625 --> 00:18:33,893 I think I just might have what you're looking for. 402 00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:37,597 ♪ 403 00:18:37,599 --> 00:18:41,568 Today I'm glad that I sold that stock. 404 00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:44,237 Uh, Apple closed up another 20 points today. 405 00:18:44,239 --> 00:18:46,139 (whining): Why does everyone know? 406 00:18:46,141 --> 00:18:48,575 Because their terrific products keep track of it for you. 407 00:18:48,577 --> 00:18:50,677 And anything else you could ever think of. 408 00:18:57,585 --> 00:18:59,753 That kid's not dying on my watch. 409 00:18:59,755 --> 00:19:02,088 Which ends... right now, fortunately. 410 00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:03,690 (hums a tune) 411 00:19:06,260 --> 00:19:08,161 (whimpers) 412 00:19:08,163 --> 00:19:11,665 CROWD (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 413 00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:13,600 (laughing): Hey. 414 00:19:13,602 --> 00:19:15,335 CROWD: Bart! Bart! Hmm. (yells) 415 00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:17,671 Homer's rising faster than Apple stock. 416 00:19:17,673 --> 00:19:18,872 (laughter) 417 00:19:18,874 --> 00:19:20,674 (Homer yells, grunts) 418 00:19:21,809 --> 00:19:23,810 My boy's okay! 419 00:19:23,812 --> 00:19:25,645 CROWD (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart! 420 00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:27,514 I won the science fair! 421 00:19:27,516 --> 00:19:29,449 I get to go to Chicago! 422 00:19:29,451 --> 00:19:30,950 CROWD: Bart! Bart! Bart! 423 00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:34,120 Ugh. Bart, Bart, Bart. 424 00:19:34,122 --> 00:19:36,156 You know what I think about regrets? 425 00:19:36,158 --> 00:19:38,625 As long as your family is together, 426 00:19:38,627 --> 00:19:41,628 every choice you've ever made is the right one. 427 00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:43,563 And together we are. 428 00:19:43,565 --> 00:19:45,231 (gunshot) 429 00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,967 Would you guys knock it off? He's down safe already. 430 00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:51,371 (gunshot) MAN: Sorry, Chief, that was me putting it down. 431 00:19:51,373 --> 00:19:53,540 And there you have it-- a family reunited. 432 00:19:53,542 --> 00:19:56,543 And a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting. 433 00:19:56,545 --> 00:19:58,244 Back to you, Rachel Maddow. 434 00:19:58,246 --> 00:20:00,246 Great job, Kent. I think we might have 435 00:20:00,248 --> 00:20:01,881 an opening for you at MSNBC 436 00:20:01,883 --> 00:20:03,850 between our weekend prison documentary block 437 00:20:03,852 --> 00:20:05,819 and the two hours it takes 438 00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:07,887 to make up Joe Scarborough on Monday morning. 439 00:20:07,889 --> 00:20:09,856 (chuckles): No, thanks, Rachel Maddow. I'm happy right here. 440 00:20:09,858 --> 00:20:12,358 No regrets. 441 00:20:22,002 --> 00:20:23,403 Hah! 442 00:20:24,505 --> 00:20:27,574 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 443 00:21:02,576 --> 00:21:04,644 Shh!