1
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,685
(school bell ringing)
2
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:25,991
(whistle blows)
3
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,027
(yells)
4
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:40,439
(playing the blues)
5
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,778
(playing the blues)
6
00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:51,817
(grunts)
7
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,119
(whistle blows)
8
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:11,937
(cats yowling)
9
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,272
(yelling)
10
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,911
(bell dinging)
11
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:20,179
(dogs barking)
12
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,780
Merry christmas!
13
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:44,203
Merry christmas, movie house!
14
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:47,139
Merry christmas, mr. Mouse!
15
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,807
(screams)
16
00:01:54,147 --> 00:01:56,648
(listless): Hey-hey.
Due to modern sensitivity,
17
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,551
We've been asked to block
any violent images
18
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,487
That appear
in this children's cartoon.
19
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,155
Oh, my god!
20
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:05,958
I never watched
one of these sober!
21
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,927
I gotta get this bloodbath
off my kids' show!
22
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,329
(grunts)
23
00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:14,967
Krusty:
Damn it!
24
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,402
Aw, geez, when did
everything turn to crap?
25
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:20,806
Bart, don't use language
like that.
26
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,843
Man, things sure have
turned to crap.
27
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,178
(humming)
homer,
28
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,580
You have to take
the Halloween decorations down
29
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,682
Before you put
the christmas ones up.
30
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,752
Marge, to that I say,
boo, humbug.
31
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:37,256
(hissing)
32
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:43,862
There's a new grinch this
holiday season,
33
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,497
And its name
is "global warming."
34
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,534
Meteorologists warn there'll be
no snow this christmas
35
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,136
Anywhere in america,
not even in alaska,
36
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:54,873
Where the eskimos now have
a hundred words for "nothing."
37
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,175
Global warming. Huh.
38
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:59,545
By pure coincidence,
every scientist was right.
39
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,780
But it's not all doom and gloom.
40
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:04,216
Illegal poachers are having
a field day.
41
00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,785
¶ 80 degrees,
water won't freeze ¶
42
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,854
¶ god help us, please,
no one's on skis ¶
43
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,989
¶ happy, happy, happy,
happy hunting ¶
44
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:11,957
(owls hooting)
45
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,693
¶ happy, happy, happy,
happy hunting. ¶
46
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,628
(worried moaning)
47
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:21,400
(marge sighs)
48
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:24,036
Sorry, kids, I guess
the hats and mittens will have
49
00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,737
To wait until next year.
50
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,272
Oh!
Oh!
51
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:39,484
(humming)
52
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,023
Hmm?
53
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,259
Snow?
54
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,361
(laughs) snow!
55
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,762
(both gasp)
56
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,332
Oh, you know what
this means, kids?
57
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,533
(both gasp)
58
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:57,669
I don't have
to pick up the dog poops!
59
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:00,105
(sobbing)
60
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,442
Uh, so you see, the "snow"
61
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,111
Is a microclimate aberration
62
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:09,514
Caused by radioactive steam
from the nuclear plant
63
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,750
And, of course,
tire fire particulate.
64
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:15,053
So, we're the only place
in america with snow,
65
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:17,623
If you can call it that.
I guess you can.
66
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,727
Don't you idiots see
what this means?!
67
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,695
Idiots? Why do we
reelect this guy?
68
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,565
'cause his opponent has
a long slavic name.
69
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,100
(crowd grumbling)
70
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,935
Who want bumper sticker?
71
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:33,572
People, springfield is now
the only town in america
72
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,074
That has snow this christmas.
73
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,577
So tourists are going
to want to come here.
74
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,646
Stay in our hotels!
75
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,114
Slurp our spaghetti.
76
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,750
Die in our hospitals.
(chuckles)
77
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:47,986
I say we welcome our
winter tourists with open arms,
78
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,955
Then gouge the hell out of 'em!
79
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,257
Who? Who will gouge with me?
80
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,092
I, too, will gouge!
81
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:58,463
Duff beer is proud to make a
corporate commitment to gouging!
82
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,198
(cheering)
83
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:08,006
Here come the tourists.
84
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:10,909
Man your atms. Yar.
85
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,212
(both chuckle)
86
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:19,351
(belches)
87
00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:26,191
Why would a robot need mittens?
88
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:29,027
Why would a little boy
need an aspirin?
89
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,495
I don't know. (grunts)
90
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,765
The one thing bongo comics
are good for.
91
00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,171
(groans)
are you okay, chief?
92
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,939
(panicky):
I'll be fine,
I'll be fine.
93
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,642
God, I bent down to
pick up a piece of candy
94
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,043
And rolled down a hill.
95
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,778
You always think
it's the other guy
96
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,313
That'll turn into
a giant snowball.
97
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,548
Never you.
98
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,650
Have you seen lou?
99
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,819
There's snow in my lungs!
100
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,654
Lot of attitude
in that hand, lou.
101
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,322
Lot of attitude.
102
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:58,990
(horns honking, marge groans)
103
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,727
Look at all these out-of-state
license plates.
104
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,462
"first in freeways,"
105
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:04,896
"the 'yuh-huh' state,"
106
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,665
"jewel of the fracking belt"?
107
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,533
"still a british colony
at heart,"
108
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,502
"land of many water snakes"?
109
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:11,870
(marge groaning)
110
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,506
Valet parking,
five dollars.
111
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,375
(tires screeching, horn honks)
112
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,210
Oh...
113
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,813
(gasps)
114
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,649
People, I'm completely out
of milk!
115
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:27,018
I do have several dvds
of the movie milk,
116
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:30,922
An inspiring return to form
for director gus van sant.
117
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,191
Uh, do you have life of pi?
118
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:37,696
No, but I have some home movies
of me on a canoe with a big dog.
119
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,599
People who have never seen
a movie say it is a good movie.
120
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,877
Mmm?
121
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:53,011
(sighs)
122
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,281
We can't afford christmas.
123
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,949
And when you can't afford
christmas,
124
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,051
You've failed as a family.
125
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,621
(voice breaks):
That's what
all the big stores say.
126
00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:05,090
Excuse me, ma'am.
127
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,292
I'm so sorry
to bother you,
128
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,928
But my kids are exhausted
and the town is sold out.
129
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,964
Is there any chance you'd
have a spare room for us?
130
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:15,467
Well, there's a rec room
off the kitchen,
131
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,069
But sometimes it's there
and sometimes it isn't.
132
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,972
Our house is very odd that way.
133
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,775
Please? Please, ma'am?
We'd pay you $300 a night.
134
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,778
Well, you seem
like a nice, pushy stranger.
135
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,580
Ma'am, because we
talk this way,
136
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,981
People always think
that we're, um...
137
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,550
Uh, what is that word, honey?
138
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,717
Passive-aggressive.
139
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,152
Right, right, but we're not.
140
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:37,556
Please, please take our
money and everybody wins.
141
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,061
(homer humming)
142
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:46,264
Hmm?
143
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:49,334
Oh, good.
Marge remarried after I died.
144
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,136
Wait a minute. I'm not dead.
145
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,471
What's going on?!
146
00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,606
These are
our new boarders.
147
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:57,142
Uh-uh. No way.
I'm not sharing my bed
148
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,110
With anybody except you.
149
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,579
And maybe that guy.
Lincoln-style.
150
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,013
But that's it.
151
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,082
This is a great thing.
152
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,984
We're helping people
celebrate christmas,
153
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,453
And we'll be able
to afford christmas.
154
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,789
Oh, I don't know.
It won't seem like christmas
155
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:14,359
Without opening up a giant
credit card bill in January.
156
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,794
Take a look at this.
157
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,796
What the...?
158
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,599
"the simpson bed and breakfast"?
(chuckles)
159
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:23,835
I always wanted to stay
in a place like this.
160
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,004
But christmas is
a special time.
161
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,106
And I like to spend it
in the warm embrace
162
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,975
Of watching football.
163
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,977
Homer simpson,
ask yourself,
164
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:34,779
W.W.B.J.D.?
Huh?
165
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,214
What would baby jesus do?
166
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:40,151
(the beach boys'
"merry christmas, baby" begins)
167
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:43,555
¶ my baby she told me
she don't want to hold me ¶
168
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,892
¶ and kiss my lips anymore
169
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,561
¶ she's gonna leave me
170
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,129
¶ and she don't believe me
171
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:54,799
¶ that I'll be true now
172
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,701
¶ well, maybe
she don't love me ¶
173
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,403
¶ and is not thinkin' of me
174
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,672
¶ but why'd she do it
this time of year? ¶
175
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,507
¶ doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
176
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,911
¶ she knows that I'll miss her
and I'll want to kiss her ¶
177
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:09,848
¶ if just for christmas
178
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,683
¶ merry christmas...
179
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:15,153
Well, this crazy scheme is
the kind of impulsive behavior
180
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,489
I want to encourage in you.
181
00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:20,358
Mmm... I'm in! 100%!
182
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,993
Oh, thank you.
183
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,995
Now, homie,
table three needs more bread.
184
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,897
I'm on a break.
(groans)
185
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:35,340
(groaning)
186
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,278
(groans)
187
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:02,701
Welcome to our day care center.
188
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,904
All girls, please move
to cootie quarantine.
189
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:08,139
We've got a two-month-old.
190
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,941
Are you sure
you can handle her?
191
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,943
Just don't lose
this claim ticket.
192
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,145
That church doesn't
look very inspiring.
193
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,147
What a bland marquee.
194
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,782
It doesn't look very inviting.
(indistinct chatter)
195
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,920
This whole crowd's gonna be
at my sermon today.
196
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:24,956
Darling, did st. Paul
worry about the crowds?
197
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,659
Oh, he wrote letters.
Any fool can write letters.
198
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,027
(sighs)
199
00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:37,102
Lord, I'm just
a small-town minister.
200
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,070
We don't have mormon money.
201
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:42,273
But if you could see your way
to guiding my fingers
202
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,809
As I type this sermon...
203
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,981
Oh, yeah.
204
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,350
Oh, this is black-church good.
205
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:00,525
My friends...
206
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,160
(feedback drones,
congregation groaning)
207
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,295
When he starts with
"my friends," it's always bad.
208
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,331
(sighs)
friends, every year,
209
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:09,934
I tell you this holiday
is about the birth of our lord,
210
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:13,138
Not singing santas
and full stockings.
211
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,839
(all murmuring)
212
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:15,974
You're losing us!
213
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:17,175
Christmas is not about
214
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,710
What happened in a manger
215
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:20,779
Some 2,000 years ago.
216
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:24,315
It is about
what you do for others now.
217
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,717
Oh!
(all murmuring)
218
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:28,953
Get my the church bulletin.
219
00:11:28,955 --> 00:11:30,121
Lovejoy's on fire.
220
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:33,625
Christmas is the holy spirit.
221
00:11:33,627 --> 00:11:36,327
Ooh, I didn't know
there were doves in there.
222
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,996
Give with your hearts!
223
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,731
Give with your acts!
224
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,032
And you will know
225
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:44,069
The true meaning of christmas.
226
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:47,572
(congregation gasping)
227
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,574
(oohing and aahing)
228
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,710
Wow, what a showman.
229
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:55,046
(cheering, whooping)
230
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,214
I haven't felt this inspired
231
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,049
Since the blueberries
at breakfast.
232
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,385
Daddy, permission
for a religious fit?
233
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,820
A brief one.
234
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,388
(speaking in tongues)
235
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,190
I said a fit,
not a fervor.
236
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,892
That sermon
really inspired me.
237
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,994
This whole christmas
has been about money.
238
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:11,863
(bell jingling)
239
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,398
Oh, are you with
the salvation army?
240
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,599
What makes you
think that?
241
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:15,667
(clink)
242
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,068
Bless you. (laughs)
243
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,437
But I'm gonna give gifts
that aren't expensive
244
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,905
And come from the heart.
245
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,540
I don't know.
246
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:25,009
Christmas didn't get to be
the number one holiday
247
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,878
By being about love.
248
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,615
Um, when a woman talks,
she just wants to be heard.
249
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,016
(groans)
250
00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:38,523
(groans)
where's the end?
251
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,391
(gasps, groans)
252
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,927
Hey, marge, we're running
out of chestnuts over here.
253
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,529
Well, they don't
grow on trees.
254
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:45,597
Uh, yeah, they do.
255
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,031
Oh.
256
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,933
What about our
romantic carriage ride
257
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,101
Through the snow?
258
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,870
Setting it up.
259
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:57,609
I don't think
you're giving them
260
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,244
What they were
promised, dad.
261
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:03,214
The secret is:
Don't read the comment cards.
262
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,920
Where do the people sit?
263
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:10,488
I thought they were
just gonna watch me.
264
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:11,589
Excuse me.
265
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:12,991
This eggnog
is terrible.
266
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,926
All eggnog
is terrible.
267
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:18,129
Those stockings are not
hung by the chimney with care.
268
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:20,965
Why did I do this
for money?
269
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,101
Why did I do this
for money?
270
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,069
And the christmas special
on your television
271
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:27,105
Is one of the worst.
272
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,809
Announcer:
We now return to king winter
feasts on his children.
273
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:34,112
By the time princess summer
comes to save you,
274
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,781
You'll all be blood in my beard.
275
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,116
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
276
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,151
Your own father's beard.
277
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,653
(king winter cackling)
278
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,093
How long
to see santa?
279
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:50,929
How would I know?
I'm an accountant.
280
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,931
I imagine for
small business, huh?
281
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,432
God, I hate christmas.
282
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:55,967
Huh?
283
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,970
Mr. Flanders,
where's your store?
284
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:02,073
Well, I'm down to a kiosk,
thanks to that place.
285
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,877
Actually, half
a kiosk.
286
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,612
Sharing it with
nasreen here.
287
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:11,182
No cream is finer
than mall kiosk cream.
288
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,350
J.Lo use it.
289
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,651
No, thanks.
290
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:16,154
It is no wonder
you are not married.
291
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,455
Flip me back.
292
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,893
If I have to give presents,
293
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,228
I'll give presents
with a purpose.
294
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:26,164
One for maggie. Check.
295
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,533
All that's left is bart.
296
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,801
No.
297
00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:31,870
No. No.
298
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:32,971
No, no, no...
299
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:35,273
Ah, perfect.
300
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,143
Guests:
¶ all from satan's power
301
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:43,214
¶ as we were gone astray
302
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,917
¶ oh, tidings
303
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:49,687
¶ of comfort and joy
304
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:55,026
¶ in bethlehem, in israel
this blessed babe was born... ¶
305
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,060
Enough. Stop.
306
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:59,030
Christmas carols
only have one verse.
307
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,032
Well, they may have more,
but the second verse
308
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,934
Is where they get
all weird and religiousy.
309
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,502
Uh, more
wassail, please.
310
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,771
And don't skimp on
the aromatic bitters.
311
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,873
For your information,
gloria,
312
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:12,043
My wassail is just gatorade
I put in the microwave.
313
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:14,846
(both gasp)
I drank that
under the mistletoe.
314
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:15,914
It's not mistletoe,
315
00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,449
Just cherries and lettuce.
Oh!
316
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,052
I thought when I ate it,
it wasn't poisonous.
317
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,121
I've opened up
my house to you
318
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,423
And all you do
is fill this joyous season
319
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,058
With petty complaints.
320
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,060
Ho, ho, ho.
321
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,962
Not now. Take
out that pillow
322
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,931
And put it in
room three.
323
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,032
(sighs)
324
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,234
The pillow acted as a girdle.
325
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,936
Any more questions?
326
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:39,904
Uh, yes, will
the pudding be figgy?
327
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:42,040
The pudding
will be jell-o.
328
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,541
Quite so.
329
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,877
I'm going to
sulk in my room.
330
00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:49,047
The only thing good about
this place is the piano player.
331
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,915
(coins rattle)
332
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,850
¶
333
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,931
(gasps)
334
00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:09,600
An angelica button wizard robe.
335
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,836
With wand pocket.
336
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,571
And wand.
337
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,940
(gasps)
professor digglesby's wand.
338
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:18,009
Now I have every
wizarding stick
339
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,944
From the spells and
potions department
340
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:21,746
Of wagglepoofs academy.
341
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,014
Don't make me
learn about it.
342
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,116
I know this christmas
has been a little rocky,
343
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,784
Even for the simpsons,
344
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,787
But I think these gifts
born of thought and love
345
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:33,057
Will restore the balance
of prajna and samsara.
346
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,526
I mean holly and jolly.
347
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:36,995
Now, dad,
348
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,030
I'd like to give you
your present.
349
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:40,932
You got me weed?
350
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:42,300
Even better.
351
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,635
They're bags
of seeds.
352
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,505
So that you can plant a
garden and watch it grow.
353
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,007
That's great, sweetie.
354
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:52,310
After all that time
and hard work, I'll have...
355
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:53,778
Radishes?!
356
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,047
It's the most hated
part of salad,
357
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,949
Which is the most hated
part of dinner.
358
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,852
Radishes, nothing but radishes.
359
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,056
Dad, stop.
360
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:07,825
What? I'm saving them
from the struggle of life.
361
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,994
Well, at least you're
eating vegetables.
362
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,396
Vegetables?!
363
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,198
Okay, bart,
open your present.
364
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,200
It's the one I'm
most excited about.
365
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,770
Plastic bubbling vomit,
plastic bubbling vomit.
366
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:22,707
What? Lis,
you're smart.
367
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,509
Why would you
give me a book?
368
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:25,810
'cause it's
easy to wrap?
369
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,879
Nothing is easy to wrap.
370
00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:28,980
I have trouble with scissors.
371
00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:30,214
(sobs)
372
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,216
(guests murmuring)
373
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,686
Marge, the brochure
promised us a happy christmas.
374
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,522
My uncle died
in your bed.
375
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,257
Merry christmas.
376
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:45,730
(yawns)
377
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,065
What?
378
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,866
(gasps) n.C. Wyeth.
379
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:50,168
(huge gasp)
380
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,170
These are book illustrations.
381
00:17:54,706 --> 00:17:56,007
Stop it! Stop it!
382
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:58,242
Why in the world would
you burn a book?
383
00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,578
Actually, the idea
to do this came from a book.
384
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,114
Fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury?
385
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:06,117
What? No, I got it
from this.
386
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,119
Milhouse:
See?
387
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,121
How could you burn the
present I gave you?
388
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,923
Because it's
my present.
389
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,459
Did you give it to me
because you thought I'd like it
390
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:17,095
Or because you wanted to feel
better about yourself?
391
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,931
Children, perhaps it's
time that I explain
392
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,365
The true meaning
of christmas.
393
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,467
Homer:
Shut up, flanders.
394
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,635
Okily-dokily.
395
00:18:26,138 --> 00:18:27,805
Now, did you check
the room to make sure
396
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:28,973
You haven't
left anything?
All set.
397
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:30,475
Need directions
or a bottle of water?
398
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,076
No, thanks. We're fine.
399
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:34,779
Thank you, sir.
400
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,380
(clears throat)
401
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:38,549
Oh, right, we're
still doing that.
402
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,651
Come on. I'll drive
you to the airport.
403
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,920
Where are my keys?
Oh, right in here.
404
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,789
Bart, you
were right.
405
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,958
If you smell your farts
in a dream, you die?
406
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,260
No, about christmas.
407
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:52,663
So I went out this morning
and I got you this.
408
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,732
It's a tablet
with books on it,
409
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:58,336
But also apps, like
worms with friends.
410
00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,904
(muffled grumbling)
411
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,839
Wow. But how'd you afford it?
412
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,142
I sold the gift you gave me.
413
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:08,012
Get the twist?
Obviously.
414
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,780
You're saying
it's from maggie,
415
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:11,349
But actually
it's from you.
416
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:12,450
Thanks, lis.
417
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:13,985
Now, why don't you
donate that
418
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,987
To whatever
hopeless cause you want.
419
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,655
Thanks, bart.
420
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,958
This will make a lot of
arctic loons very happy.
421
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:21,959
(marge groans)
422
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,194
Uh, listen,
423
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,462
I just
wanted to say
424
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,031
I'm sorry
I overreacted.
425
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,833
Thank you all for coming.
426
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,202
Yeah, well, we have something
to say to you, marge.
427
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,937
(groans)
428
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,840
¶ we wish you
a merry christmas ¶
429
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,176
¶ we wish you a merry
christmas ¶
430
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,811
¶ we wish you
a merry christmas ¶
431
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:45,616
¶ and a happy new year.
432
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,191
¶ good tidings we bring...
433
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:55,059
No second verses.
434
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,360
They creep me out.
435
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,896
Okay, we'll sing
a different one.
436
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:01,132
¶ good king wenceslas
looked out ¶
437
00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:03,167
¶ on the feast of stephen...
438
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,003
Oh, that one creeps me out
from the beginning.
439
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,172
¶ when the snow
lay round about ¶
440
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,675
¶ deep and crisp and even
441
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,009
(loud whirring)
442
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:16,080
Oh, the happy sound
of a blender.
443
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:21,986
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
access.Wgbh.Org