(exclaims anxiously)
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(playing glissandos on harp)
(playing random melody)
(strums strings)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(cowboy melody plays on harmonica)
(ethereal chord chimes)
(strumming guitar)
(whale singing)
(eerie melody plays)
(jaunty circus music playing)
(hoarse barking)
(electric guitar plays surf riff)
(footsteps thudding)
(various melodies and sounds shifting rapidly)
(melodies and sounds shifting faster)
(remote shattering)
NARRATOR: High above Zenith City,
Radioactive Man keeps a lonely vigil!
RADIOACTIVE MAN: All seems quiet.
Maybe I'll fly to China and get some takeout.
(gasps) A sky tweet from Commissioner Sweeney!
This looks like a job for: @radioactiveman_01.
(whooshing)
Leaping Leptons!
It's the Fossil Fuel Four!
Old King Coal...
Patroleus Rex...
French Femme Fatale Charcoal Briquette...
...and the enemy of drinking water everywhere,
the Fracker.
(grunting with effort)
Stop attacking the nuclear plant--
this country's safest energy source!
Studies show, I'm America's best hope
for energy independence.
(laughs)
Those studies were industry financed.
You lie!
Holy Hedrons!
I need backup!
Calling Citizen Solar,
and his sidekick Wind Lad.
(French accent): I believe you will find them
lacking in energy.
It's too cloudy.
People don't like the noise I make.
Ehhh...
Petroleus Rex,
please remember when you used to be
Environmental Scientist Rex Bernstein.
I have become my destiny.
(grunts, groans)
I'll crush you like a gnat, King Coal.
(shouting in pain)
(grunting with effort)
(shouting)
Half life.
Quar... ter life.
Eighth life.
Gone.
Frack-cellent!
(laughs sinisterly)
They killed off Radioactive Man?
I did not see that coming.
Die-carumba!
They'll just reboot Radioactive Man
in an overpriced new origin issue
and get clueless fanboys like you
to line up at midnight to buy them.
Clueless fanboys in costume.
(text alert chimes)
MILHOUSE: Wow!
Midnight.
I won't know which day to write in my diary.
Homer. What?
Will you take me to buy a comic book
Tuesday at midnight?
And miss the back half of Jimmy Kimmel?
That's when he experiments, boy.
You never watched an episode of Jimmy Kimmel
in your life.
Yes, I have.
After the Oscars, when he forces you.
(Ralph Wiggum singing random melody)
(door bell dings, all cheering, clapping)
Quiet. Quiet!
And attention please, valued customers.
You will each be allowed to enter the store,
and buy one copy.
Swallow your gum, now.
(all gulp)
MILTON: Oh. Oh. Mr. Book Guy.
Can I go first?
I was once cast to play Fallout Boy in a movie.
Tell it to Harlan Ellison.
I think, you over-privileged kids
with your electronic tablets
and your talking phones,
wouldn't know a good piece of fiction
if your iPod read it to your ass.
I wish someone would have come from the future,
and warned me not to talk to you.
That's my idea!
You're stealing my idea!
Sorry.
C-B-G.
What's the happs, my man?
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Milo,
the owner of my main competitor, Coolsville.
Or should I say, "Foolsville."
That is some tasty cashish, my friend.
Indeed.
And how did you spend your evening?
Um... Let's see.
I wrote a Lost fan fiction finale
that also answers all the questions from Twin Peaks.
Reranked all the Doctor Whos by puffiness of the hair.
Oh, and I also got married to my actual,
non-imaginary,
comic-tolerating
girlfriend, Strawberry.
Now when Milo talks to himself,
it won't seem crazy.
So, Milo talks to himself.
We will treasure that information.
Yes... we will.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna share this primo origin ish
with my bride.
Even the mintiest comic is just acidifying pulp,
if you have no one to read it with, right?
Nerds don't get girls.
These days they do, man.
Comic-Con is now eight percent women.
STRAWBERRY: Burn!
Wrong... Wrong!
Wro-- Where is he?
Come on, buddy, I gotta get home
and climb into bed with my loving wife.
Oh, right.
You have a loving wife.
Oh. Marge and I get along perfect.
We're like George Burns and John Denver.
Oh, man!
Carrying these kids is hard on my back.
Oh...!
Oh, yeah!
And now to Moe's.
Look at him. Look.
He's got family... friends.
What do I have?
Oof. Jimmy Olsen vs. Matter Eater Lad.
Hm. This is better than I remembered, actually.
No...!
No it isn't!
It-It's horrible!
(moans)
The only thing that could make this moment more cliched,
is if I started to sing about my feelings.
And... here I go.
(slow, melancholy intro)
♪ I've always been happy
♪ To call myself single
♪ No Mary Jane
♪ Or Lois Lane
♪ With whom I'd co-mingle
♪ You could say that I was
♪ An unstackable Pringle
♪ I've got originals signed
♪ By Siegel and Shuster
♪ But they don't satisfy
♪ In the way that they used-ter ♪
♪ It really don't matter if you've got a Cap Anson ♪
♪ If you spend your nights in your underwear prancin' ♪
♪ With your cardboard stand
♪ Of Scarlett Johansson!
(yelling, grunting)
♪ Guess I've always been lonely ♪
♪ But I've never revealed it
♪ Dropped my heart into Mylar
♪ And then... (sobs)
♪ Vacuum sealed... it.
(quiet sigh)
Stan Lee!
Or, is it my imagination?
I'm your imagination.
The real Stan Lee's over there.
Excelsior!
But listen,
as comic book guys go,
you're trim, friendly, and,
quite a catch.
(laughs)
But now... your opportunity is knocking.
Huh...?!
Don't let it slip by.
Can you help me?
I can only watch.
I cannot interfere.
New Radioactive number one, please.
Come on, nudnik. Ask her out.
You're interfering.
Hey, I'm 90 years old.
I can do what I want.
Um... Er... Stammer. Eh...
C-Can I sign you up
for our frequent buyer's club?
The Just Us League?
You would be member number 003.
I-- I am the first two.
Sure.
I am Kumiko Nakamura from Osaka.
I am visiting America's saddest cities,
as research for my autobiographical manga.
Volume Six, Springfield.
Land of Angry Tears.
That's you.
The man with sparkling eyes,
and zigzag beard.
You have seen me before?
Yes. Through window.
But you don't see me.
You're either looking down in disgust,
or up in disdain.
I think you have great soul.
Would you permit me to go in the back,
and do a brief inventory?
(muffled): She tolerates me!
Ah... Is it too soon
to give you flowers in a Hulk hand?
It is the perfect time.
(doorbell rings)
(humming happily)
Hmm?
(yelling): Bart!
Your comic vendor's here.
Uh, actually, it is you that I am here to see.
I, um, I need your help.
I am getting ready for a date.
(stammers)
The closest thing I have to a father
is the Obi-Wan doll in my store.
And he comes from a race of celibate knights.
So...
I will help you.
As long as our bellies
never touch again
like they are right now.
BOTH: Ew!
Oh...!
Why pick me?
Because you are the only fat man in real life
who ever got a hot woman.
Hey. Ooh... (laughs)
Well, come in.
I'll explain how it all works.
Okay. It helps if she's got a mother
she's trying to get back at.
MARGE: Aw...
No woman will be able to resist you,
dressed like this.
Now, remember,
don't be the way you normally are
and sustain that for the rest of your life.
Kumiko, uh, meet my dear friends
uh, Homer and Marge Simpson.
I-In my country, it is a tradition
to bring a much older couple
on a first date.
It is not in any way, weird,
or-or sad.
Does anyone tell you
that you look like the man
on a box of Mr. Sparkle?
Aka ni taishte burei da!
Yogore o yaburu!
In Japan, drinking your detergent
is a popular method of suicide.
(gasps) Honki da yo?!
Kumiko, for you,
we chose the coolest restaurant in town.
But the walls are covered with garbage.
MARGE: Oh...
Not garbage, Americana.
Here's some more Americana,
that bubbled up in the swamp.
Here you go: Your All-American
Fifty State Potato Skin Sampler.
Okay: Wisconsin, cheddar.
Maryland, blue crab.
They're neither in alphabetical,
nor geographical order.
What-What madness is this?
Please, sir.
Ask your questions after all 50 "tates."
I cannot hide the snide inside.
Oh. I don't mind.
If you think it's stupid,
say it's stupid.
Really?
In Japan, no one ever says what they think.
We know our game shows are degrading
and our baseball fences are too close.
But no one says anything.
(gasps)
Attention, restaurateurs!
(diners murmuring)
You should've spent less on the kitsch,
and more on the kitch-en.
With this bowl of Chuck's Cherokee Salsa,
I baptize you mediocre, at best.
(laughs) American nerd snark
is the finest in the world.
Let's go walking
and mocking in the rain.
I'm in love!
And, yet, still a little bitter.
It's surprising.
(Japanese pop song "Ponponpon" playing)
JIM-JAM BONKS: Father, why-sa you-sa forsake-a me-sa?
♪
(applause)
Marge, Homer, you have nurtured our love
like Steven Speilberg nurtured the careers
of Zemeckis and Gale.
(sympathetically): Oh...
So, we want you to know,
I have decided to move in
to the basement under his store.
At last, we'll be in the same bed.
Just like Batman and Robin.
HOMER: Ohh.... MARGE: Hmm...
Homer, I want you to take Kumiko
and Comic Book Guy a housewarming present,
and maybe check in on them?
We talked about this, Marge.
The hammock is a chore-free zone.
Apparently, including tying the knots on the hammock.
And getting the termites out of the trees.
(squeaking)
Not a word.
(Japanese accent): Excuse me, sir.
I am looking for my daughter.
I thought this was her residence,
but all I see is a store full of, uh,
non-pornographic manga.
(gasps) You're Kumiko's father?
Welcome, sensei.
I am not a Kung fu instructor.
I am a humble salary man
who could kick your ass.
Say, has anyone told you
you look like--
I know. Mr. Sparkle.
I was going to say,
like you're going to have a stroke.
(laughs)
I get that a lot too.
Now, please, where is my daughter?
Okay. She moved in with her boyfriend.
Well, he's not a boy.
He's immature.
But, fat and old.
So, an obese nerd has stolen my daughter
to live in his basement?
I didn't tell you about the basement.
It was an obvious guess!
(bell dings)
(crying)
Daughter!
You are coming back to Japan!
There are 87 old people
who need you to take care of them.
No. Please... Please.
I was becoming cuddly.
I deleted rants from my blog.
You can retrieve rants
if you did not empty your trash.
Goodbye!
Now I know I've got a heart...
because it's breaking.
Wizard of Oz reference!
Did I do that?
Urkle reference!
(panting) Help me.
Fire reference!
(panting): I can't stop.
I can't stop.
Homer Simpson, this was your doing.
And I want you to fix it.
I have a bad feeling about this!
Every action movie ever made reference!
Now!
Yeah, Homer.
We have much in common.
We both love our daughters,
and discipline our sons.
No... discipline would imply,
I'm trying to make him better.
So... are you married?
(sighs)
My dear Michiko has passed away.
But she's always with me.
You promise double suicide.
You hear what you want to hear.
Always with me.
Another drink!
Something stronger!
(creaks)
BARTENDER (dramatically): Snake rice wine.
Now, that's disgusting.
Wine made of rice?
Try some.
Hai.
(hissing)
(Homer slurring drunkenly)
(Mr. Nakamura drunkenly laughs)
(slurring): Why didn't I stop
with the snake wine?
Why did I drink the fish wine?
That was the aquarium.
(quiet, gentle melody plays)
(engine humming)
(tires screeching)
You didn't see nothin'. Scram.
♪
(clanking)
Uh! I am ruined by whimsy.
MILHOUSE'S VOICE: The good thing is,
soon I'll be a beautiful swan.
(cackling)
Aw...
(whimpers)
What's going on here?
BART & LISA: We'll explain it.
The rice wine has penetrated
to the essence of your souls.
Yeah, listen to my tail.
You're the tail!
No... You're the tail.
(yelling): Dad! Bart's feet are on
my half of the shell!
(screaming): Why, you slimey little--
Ow!
(both grunting)
(grunting) Ooh.
Hey, that actually feels good.
(grunting) Oh, yeah. More.
A little bit more.
(shouting) Right there. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.
Enough nonsense!
I came here for my daughter!
♪ I-I am a golden bird
♪ And I love the comic nerd
♪ Of this, I won't be cured
♪ Papa-san, Papa-san.
The monster is me.
Who... 'da thunk it?
(weeping)
(thunder rumbling)
(sighs)
Homer, drinking that snake wine,
and going to White Castle afterwards,
really opened my eyes.
Mr. Nakamura,
I have used my hitherto unmentioned
chemical engineering degree
to get a real job
at the Springfield Phosphate Works.
They're giant polluters.
But... the CEO is a woman.
It's very vexing.
Now, have I proven myself
worthy of your daughter?
(firmly): No.
Please, take your time.
You were worthy!
The way you were.
I-- I was?
But I rented the store.
I eBayed my stool.
Cancel the sale.
But then my seller rating
will go down...
Stop being nerd!
Yes, Papa-san.
Geekly beloved,
we are gathered here
in the eyes of me,
King of the Cameos,
Stan Lee.
To celebrate the wedding of,
Comic Book Guy,
and Kumiko Nakamura.
Does anyone wish to offer any thoughts,
on this blessed occasion?
Yes. (clears throat)
I-I-I would like to say something.
Um, since I met Kumiko,
strangely, comic books
no longer seem so important.
I will also be selling greeting cards.
And, every day,
I will give one to Kumiko
in commemoration of today,
with the salutation,
"Best... Day... Ever."
Ghost Wife,
are you happy?
Kind of!
(traditional Japanese music playing)
MILHOUSE: How long am I gonna stay this way?
As long as we keep drinkin' this.
(clink)
DOLPH: Give us your eggs.
I'm a boy.
KEARNEY: We said eggs.
(all laughing)
Yes!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
Shh!