1 00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:06,205 (crow squawks) 2 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,507 (the simpsons' theme playing in 8-bit audio) 3 00:00:12,979 --> 00:00:15,447 (crackling) 4 00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:23,122 Yeah, how ya doin'? 5 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,690 (explosion thunders) 6 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:34,633 (snoring loudly) 7 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,168 (tires screech, horn honks) 8 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:37,369 H-hey, what? 9 00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,339 Oh! Oh, cleats! 10 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,374 (sighs) homie, what happened? 11 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:45,911 Uh... Maybe some easy-listening music 12 00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:48,247 Will make you feel better about the story. 13 00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,715 Turn on 89.9. 14 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:50,749 (marge grumbles) 15 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,384 (easy listening music playing) 16 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,654 Like most of my problems, it all started at moe's... 17 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,823 Carl: All right, so the rules are 18 00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,858 Every time the news guy says "senator," 19 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,560 We got to take a drink. 20 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,328 Huh. It'll be nice to let someone else decide 21 00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,364 When I drink-- too much pressure. 22 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,732 (news theme playing) 23 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,167 (quietly): Uh, yeah, channel six tip line? 24 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,869 I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley. 25 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,871 And me? I'm just a reliable source. 26 00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,007 Not "sauce," "source." 27 00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:17,709 Source! S-a-u-r-c-e! 28 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,712 We have heard from a very reliable sauce 29 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,382 News involving multiple senators. 30 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,084 I'm going to read a list of senators, 31 00:01:25,086 --> 00:01:27,052 With possibly more senators to be named later 32 00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:29,922 By other senators: Senator abercrombie, 33 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:33,058 Senator billingsley, senator beaumont... 34 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,627 (snickers) 35 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:38,797 Hmm? Oh, damn, the plaster's flaking again. 36 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,567 Homer: Once intoxicated, we had a great idea. 37 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,869 Hey! Swings! 38 00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,239 (laughing): I'm a kid again! 39 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,074 (laughing) 40 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,576 Oh... Gah... 41 00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:51,877 I'll save you! 42 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:53,779 (grunts) 43 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,447 (grunting) 44 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,950 Oh, the only way out is in! 45 00:01:57,952 --> 00:01:59,118 Hey, look at me! 46 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,587 I'm going up a slide! 47 00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,822 Both (chanting): Homer! Homer! 48 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,491 Best recess ever! 49 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,159 (shouts) (clang) 50 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,127 Whoa. (gasps) 51 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:09,461 Help me, guys! Guys? 52 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,896 (grunting) 53 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,631 Don't worry, homer, I'll call the cops! 54 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,099 I'll write my senator. 55 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,335 Senator! Senator! 56 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,104 Oh, am I gonna die on a playground, 57 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:22,674 Like some uncoordinated child? 58 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,110 But I did learn something from all this: 59 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:29,248 The sprinklers in this park come on at 3:00 a.M. 60 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,117 Hey, thanks for throwing the ball back. 61 00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,352 Really. 62 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:34,586 (sighs) 63 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,788 I'll come back with the fire truck. 64 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,691 I just have to get the kids to school first. 65 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,026 Oh, are the kids with you? 66 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,528 Lisa: Hi, dad. Bart: Homer. 67 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,596 Hey, guys! Why are you ducked-down like that? 68 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,665 Bart: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom. 69 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,367 Lisa: At least we hope it's bottom. 70 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,336 Don't worry, it's bottom, all right. 71 00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:53,005 (grunts) 72 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:55,541 (marge groans) 73 00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:56,808 Bart: And that's why 74 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,310 I was tardy today. 75 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,279 And with that tardiness, you have at last crossed 76 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:03,115 The boundary where I can legally apply physical discipline. 77 00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,683 Willie, cut me a switch! 78 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,452 What about the one your ma used on you? 79 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,454 It, uh, broke on my buttocks. 80 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:13,525 Serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar. 81 00:03:14,661 --> 00:03:17,362 Damn it! That's not even a swivel chair. 82 00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:21,233 Skate, skate as fast as you can. 83 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,835 But I'll catch you-- I'm the principal man! 84 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,138 That's the kind of education you're missing. 85 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,509 (car backfiring) 86 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,077 Oh, no. Uphill. 87 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,845 The one place my car can't go. 88 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,514 (gears grinding) 89 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:37,082 (steam hissing) 90 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,986 Uh, would you like a quote? 91 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,354 Uh, yes. 92 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,223 "some cause happiness wherever they go; 93 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:47,025 Others whenever they go." oscar wilde. 94 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:50,128 Uh, p.S. Your car is totaled. 95 00:03:51,664 --> 00:03:53,665 Whew! Safe. 96 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,201 Jailbird: Oh, not totally. 97 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,336 Whoa! 98 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,004 What-what are you doing in here? 99 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,505 Hiding from the cops. 100 00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,608 Well, I can't have cops sniffing around here. 101 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,276 Some of them might be girls. 102 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,744 Can't I just stay a little? 103 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:09,014 I only committed this robbery to help my kid. 104 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,549 See, this is jeremy. 105 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:11,850 I need to get him braces. 106 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,885 I always thought that if I'd had braces, 107 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,954 I'd have smiled more. 108 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:18,023 Hey, I bet you have a great smile. 109 00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,024 Huh? 110 00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:20,359 Ay, caramba! 111 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,261 Bart, bart, we're in whatchamacallit... 112 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,762 A pursuit! 113 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,796 So why'd you come here? 114 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,698 I run a respectable tree house. 115 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,267 Just wondering if you've seen anything. 116 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:31,103 Uh, word is you'll, uh... You'll snitch for candy. 117 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,872 You can't buy me with a candy bar that has coconut. 118 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,742 Then maybe this is more your... Neighborhood. 119 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:37,776 Nice real estate. 120 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,211 You got a deal. 121 00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:40,646 So, what do you know? 122 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:44,616 I saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo... 123 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,886 Say he was gonna hide out on top of mount springfield. 124 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,788 Mount springfield, eh? 125 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,291 Strap on your crampons, boys! 126 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,826 Eddie! Prepare my litter! 127 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,161 Lou, you are responsible 128 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,897 For my oxygen, food, water and cleaning! 129 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,966 You have to clean me. I clean you. Yeah. 130 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:01,933 Dude, thank you. 131 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,402 Why did you save me? 132 00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,337 We outlaws have to stick together. 133 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,972 Outlaw? You? 134 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,741 Stolen bowling shoes, 3-d glasses, krusty standee 135 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,077 And this "cage" for my pet. 136 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,979 Oh. What do you feed him? 137 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,347 My a.D.D. Meds. 138 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,982 (trilling) 139 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,650 (chuckles) um, listen, 140 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,586 Would you like two tickets to the school musical? 141 00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:24,289 My son plays the butcher. 142 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:25,957 In fiddler on the roof. 143 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,793 I'm busy that night. 144 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,561 Yeah, lucky you. 145 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,797 (indistinct chatter) 146 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,798 (grunting) 147 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,199 Huh? 148 00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,535 (gagging) 149 00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,137 (gasps) are you okay? 150 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,006 Don't put more in there! 151 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,507 (choking): Going for the record. 152 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:45,310 (choking) what record? Stupidest death? 153 00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,145 Aah! 154 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,147 (grunting) 155 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,615 Blagh! 156 00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:52,384 Merci beaucoup! 157 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,618 Oh, well, you're very wel... 158 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,387 That's french for "hello." 159 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:58,156 Actually, I think it... Lucas bortner, competitive eater. 160 00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,825 A fat kid with a dream? 161 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,860 I can't compete with that. 162 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,463 What does a competitive eater eat? 163 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:07,999 All the glamour foods: Pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings 164 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:11,503 And the big enchilada, which is not enchiladas but hot dogs. 165 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,372 69 hot dogs is the current record. 166 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:15,040 As the great kobayashi says, 167 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:17,476 "detekurutoki itaiyo." 168 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,044 What does that mean? 169 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,479 "that's gonna hurt coming out." 170 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,148 Is kobayashi the number one, um, uh... 171 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,183 The correct term is "gurgitator." 172 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,085 I won't be using the correct term then. 173 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,821 Virtually everyone uses his technique: Japanesing. 174 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,556 Shall I demonstrate? 175 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:34,860 Um, why don't I just go sit alone... Oh, you're doing it. 176 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,828 Ready, set... 177 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,064 Japanese! 178 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,867 (choking) 179 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,335 (grunting, groaning) 180 00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:44,503 That's not going down. 181 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,604 (gagging) 182 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:47,005 This happens from time to time. 183 00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,541 Maybe this isn't the sport for you. 184 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,009 It's not a sport. 185 00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,577 It's my life. 186 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,413 Aw, he's sweet. 187 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:56,348 (chuckles) what am I doing? 188 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,417 He's just ralph with a dream. 189 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,252 The dream of not ralphing. 190 00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:03,622 But I'm sure I could totally change and fix him. 191 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:06,425 Can I join you for lunch? Um, sure. 192 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,360 How many whole pizzas would you like? 193 00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:10,629 Um, can I just have a slice? 194 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:13,031 Interesting technique. (chuckles) 195 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,268 Bart: Whoa. 196 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:19,037 You didn't tell me you had a playstadium 4! 197 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,940 It's the first I've seen it. 198 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,443 Something's fishy, bart. 199 00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,378 Where's the gift receipt? 200 00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,147 Where's the packet of desiccant that says "do not eat"? 201 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,616 And, believe me, you shouldn't. 202 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:35,153 I have a feeling this playstadium was liberated 203 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:39,558 From its previous owner and given to me in gratitude. 204 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,826 Liberated? 205 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,561 You mean "stolen"? 206 00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,629 You can't spell "crime" without "me." 207 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,631 C-r-I... 208 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:47,599 (gasps) 209 00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,601 There it is, at the end! 210 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:50,635 (doorbell rings) 211 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,305 Oh, hi. Is-is lisa home? 212 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:54,339 Yes, she is. 213 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,640 And who are you? 214 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,509 Lucas. 215 00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,010 It's pronounced "luca-dollar." 216 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,412 That's my competition name. 217 00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:01,813 I'm a competitive eater. 218 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,415 Homer: Competitive eater? 219 00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:05,750 Did I hear right? I could be a competitive eater? 220 00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:07,452 No! You didn't hear anything! 221 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,588 Yes, I did! I heard "competitive eater"! 222 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,791 It's for people who haven't had heart problems. 223 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,093 Then that makes me the jackie robinson of the sport, 224 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:18,029 And you are the racist philadelphia manager. 225 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:21,099 Quit comparing me to ben chapman. 226 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,535 I will when you open your mind to change! 227 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,370 Oh...! 228 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,272 So, what should we practice: 229 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:28,840 Um, vienna sausage; 230 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,276 Blueberry pie, short form; 231 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,178 Oatmeal, long course; 232 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,615 Freestyle baked beans; catfish-- ooh! 233 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,616 Cow brains. 234 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:38,617 Beans, beans! 235 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,118 We'll do beans. 236 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,789 Hmm. Never saw the pork eat the beans before. 237 00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:47,292 (both laugh) 238 00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:51,830 Actually, I'm a little surprised lisa likes him. 239 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,131 Really! 240 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,299 Justin blobber over there 241 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,468 Doesn't remind you of anyone? 242 00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:59,638 $800 to cut me out of that slide?! 243 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,474 It's all about the money with those firemen. 244 00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:05,143 Women marry their fathers, marge. 245 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:08,480 So you just might be meeting your future "ton-in-law." 246 00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,148 (both laughing) 247 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,017 Ton-in-law. 248 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,818 God bless us. 249 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,655 (gasps) you can do better. 250 00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,599 (homer snoring) marge: My sisters are nuts. 251 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,768 I'm happy being married to homer. 252 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,404 Most of the time. 253 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:34,339 (groans) 254 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,575 (barking) 255 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,379 Ooh! What the...? 256 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,714 (sighs) 257 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:46,151 (rossini's "the thieving magpie" playing) 258 00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:49,254 ¶ ¶ 259 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:55,193 (slurps) 260 00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:03,335 (yelling) 261 00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,540 Meep, meep! 262 00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:10,775 (descending whistle) 263 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,947 (gunshot) 264 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,318 Hmm... 265 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,822 Maybe you're not cut out for competitive eating. 266 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,890 Are you calling me not fat? 267 00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,826 No, I'm just... I... 268 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,562 Maybe you just haven't found the right food, huh? 269 00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,097 How 'bout ice cream? 270 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,331 Yes! 271 00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,600 I will lay some hurt on that cream. 272 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:38,169 Oh, my god! Brain freeze! 273 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,938 Oh, my god. 274 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:42,140 Kick me in the head till I pass out. 275 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:45,477 Harder! I'm still conscious! 276 00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,345 You must kick me harder. 277 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,820 Okay, honey, I made you pork chops just like you like 'em. 278 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,689 Twenty. Thanks, babe. 279 00:10:57,691 --> 00:11:01,126 Sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full-time. 280 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:02,894 Now give us a kiss. 281 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,599 (lisa screaming) 282 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,601 (gasps deeply) 283 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:13,104 What the...? 284 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:16,608 Oh, yawn. 285 00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:17,642 Another freebie. 286 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,511 Better be a 64 gig. 287 00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:22,280 Huh? It's full of lame apps: 288 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,450 Bully avoider, nosebook, insta-grandma. 289 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,986 This was stolen from milhouse! 290 00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,554 From my backpack. 291 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,790 Where puppy goo-goo sleeps. 292 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:34,859 Maybe it's time to tell me exactly what's going on. 293 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,161 Relax. 294 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:39,130 Listen to the music of this bubble game. 295 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,199 (gentle music plays) 296 00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:45,336 So peaceful. 297 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,305 No! I won't let this go! 298 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:50,141 It's time you told me how you've been getting all this stuff. 299 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,910 (sighs) 300 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:55,080 I helped snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff. 301 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,981 It was an honorable arrangement. 302 00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:59,150 But I never thought he'd steal from you. 303 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,885 Snake, eh? 304 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,554 I never would've suspected 305 00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,990 The one criminal in town. 306 00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:07,859 (chuckles) 307 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,761 You seem stressed. 308 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,929 You want to suck some squishee? 309 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,731 Sure. (whooshing) 310 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:13,765 Mmm! 311 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:14,733 Careful. 312 00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,101 It's uncut syrup. 313 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,702 They give it to horses before they race. 314 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,571 (sucking, slurping) 315 00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:27,011 Brockman: Jailbird, aka snake. 316 00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,246 That's his real name. 317 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,881 Albert knickerbocker aloysius snake-- 318 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,050 Has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be 319 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,719 Put to death under a controversial new statute. 320 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:35,754 (gasps) 321 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:37,288 Yeah, we had a law stating 322 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,090 "three strikes and you're out." 323 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,559 But I thought it was "you're out." 324 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:42,894 So I let people go. 325 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:46,431 So now it's "four balls and you walk. 326 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,633 Right to the electric chair." 327 00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,802 It's, uh, much clearer, kent. 328 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,704 Bart, I'm so sorry. 329 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:55,940 I just wanted to ruin his life, not end it. 330 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,408 You ratted him out? 331 00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,210 (groans) he's got a kid. 332 00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:00,411 A kid?! 333 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,580 I was crushed when I lost my dad 334 00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:05,483 And all he did was move to the holiday inn. 335 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,252 I can still see him smoking 336 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,320 On the balcony. 337 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,489 He looked like he missed something. 338 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,491 Maybe me. 339 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,094 So you see, we can't let jailbird fry. 340 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,930 Time for the sleepover detectives. 341 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,598 I didn't say there'd be a sleepover. 342 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,668 Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing my pajamas under my clothes. 343 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,804 And my swimsuit under those. 344 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:28,473 One day it'll all pay off. 345 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,908 (homer humming jauntily) 346 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:33,511 Oh! There's my magazine. 347 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:34,979 Why, look at this. 348 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:37,749 "what every father should do for his daughter." 349 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:40,952 Oh, marge, if you want me to do something, just tell me. 350 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:42,654 Don't hide behind a magazine. 351 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,690 Right. Right, right, right. According to judy kleinsmith, 352 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,659 A professional freelance writer, 353 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,128 Fathers should take their daughters out on little 354 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:53,498 Dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would. 355 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,435 Then she'll expect the same from the men in her future. 356 00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,937 Wait, let me get this straight: 357 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,840 Sit and eat? That's my punishment? 358 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,641 It's not a punishment. 359 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,777 But you can't just eat dinner. 360 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:09,214 You have to be gentlemanly and attentive. 361 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,049 Oh, I can fake attentive. 362 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,785 I've been watching a football game this whole discussion. 363 00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,620 Not fake attentive. 364 00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,121 Real attentive. 365 00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:19,157 Okay, okay. I'll make it fun. 366 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,326 I'll take her to that crab place. 367 00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:23,361 All the crabs you could smash. 368 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,797 You know lisa's a vegetarian. 369 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,398 She can smash a salad. 370 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,902 No. Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do. 371 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:34,706 You have to act like someone you'd want lisa to marry. 372 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,809 If you just act like yourself, she might just... 373 00:14:37,811 --> 00:14:39,077 Um... 374 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,512 Oh, you know... Um... 375 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,581 She might marry someone like me? 376 00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:46,651 You think that would be bad. 377 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,253 Homie, I love you. 378 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,021 But you can be a challenge, 379 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,323 Like doing the daily jumble. 380 00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,859 Marge, you are comparing me 381 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:58,029 To the most infuriating thing in the newspaper! 382 00:14:58,031 --> 00:14:59,564 Well, I was just trying to... 383 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,199 Oh... I'm sleeping on 384 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,001 Flanders' couch tonight. 385 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,569 Ours is crap. 386 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,803 (door shuts) 387 00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:12,610 So marge says I gotta ask lisa on a date. 388 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,946 Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, homer? 389 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,682 Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there. 390 00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:18,917 Guys, lay off homer. 391 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,285 Now you quit stalling 392 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,719 And call your daughter like a man. 393 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:24,055 Oh... It feels weird. 394 00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,024 Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you. 395 00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,192 What is the big deal? 396 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:29,193 Ah, he's doing it! 397 00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:30,795 He's calling a girl. 398 00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,030 Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god... (line ringing) 399 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,231 Oh, it's ringing. 400 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,599 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 401 00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,733 Lisa: Hello? 402 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,702 Uh, hello. Lisa? 403 00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:38,870 I know your brother and... 404 00:15:38,872 --> 00:15:39,904 Oh! 405 00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,205 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 406 00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:42,707 Calm down, calm down. 407 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:43,741 She doesn't know it's you. 408 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:44,742 (phone ringing) 409 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:45,910 Ah! Hide! Hide! 410 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,545 (moe sighs) 411 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:48,947 Uh, hello? 412 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,783 Oh, sure, lisa, uh, your dad's right here. 413 00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:54,919 Dad? 414 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:55,920 Did you just call? 415 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:56,955 Uh, yeah. 416 00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:58,723 Hey, listen, your mom thinks 417 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,625 That maybe you and I 418 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,394 Should have dinner together sometime. 419 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,729 Just the two of us? 420 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:06,764 Ah, yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb. 421 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,832 I'd love that. 422 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,267 See you tonight. 423 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,335 (whoops) 424 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:11,502 I got a date with my daughter! 425 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:13,304 Yeah, we all been there. 426 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,139 No need to act like you just 427 00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,641 Invented air conditioning. 428 00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,412 So, you see, chief, 429 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,948 Snake wasn't stealing that stuff out of greed. 430 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:26,484 He was stealing it to thank me. 431 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,785 Plea denied. 432 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,988 Warm up the electric chair, lou. 433 00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:32,357 You're not done yet? 434 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,125 The instructions are in swedish, chief. 435 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,994 We got this from ikillya. 436 00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,996 Yo, I totally speak swedish. 437 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:38,963 Fluently? 438 00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:40,598 Um, ja. 439 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,966 Uh, do what he says, lou. 440 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,935 But chief... But-but-but. 441 00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:46,804 Quit arguing and give him the little wrench. 442 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:47,839 Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. 443 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,440 Let him out, lou. Let him out. 444 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,809 But chief, we got guns; he's got a little wrench. 445 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:52,877 It's cold! 446 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,645 Y... Oh... (sighs, groans) 447 00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,981 All right. 448 00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,283 (wiggum whimpers, groans) 449 00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:00,952 Thanks for coming down, bart. 450 00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,654 You won't need to save me a third time. 451 00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:04,856 You're going straight? 452 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,558 If I get caught, it's suicide by cop. 453 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,293 Oh, I don't like the sound of that. 454 00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:11,396 It means I get you to shoot me, dude. 455 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:14,198 Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork. 456 00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:18,202 Hair volumizer?! 457 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,504 Cologne?! 458 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,906 Hello, marjorie. 459 00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:23,041 Homie. 460 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,143 You look like an nba coach. 461 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,145 Yes, well, it's a special evening 462 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:30,181 And I thought it best not to look like a monkey. 463 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,716 Mm! 464 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,051 Don't worry. 465 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,752 I won't embarrass you. 466 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,754 I will put my napkin in my lap, 467 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,923 I will use the utensils provided for me, 468 00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,825 And if I our food is slow in coming, 469 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:43,227 I will "blow my stack" in a manner 470 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,997 Befitting the earl of yarborough. 471 00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,199 All right, you've made your point. 472 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:49,867 Hey, I can't screw this up 473 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:52,937 Or lisa will get stuck with someone like me. 474 00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:56,441 Homie, I don't have a problem with you. 475 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:59,410 Except your buttons are off one. 476 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,779 Actually, this is a collar button, see? 477 00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,181 It goes like this... 478 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:06,017 Tuh! Is there no end to your fault-finding? 479 00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,020 Maggie, help me with this shirt. 480 00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,388 (groans) 481 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,622 (homer and lisa laughing) 482 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,925 So mr. Burns never realized 483 00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,461 It was maggie who saved the plant? 484 00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:17,462 Nope. 485 00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:18,729 Now, how's that drink? 486 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,398 Can I temple up that shirley? 487 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,066 Oh, I'm fine. 488 00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,468 (giggles) 489 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,802 Well, have we decided? 490 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,437 Uh, yeah, help me out here. 491 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,939 What is the normal amount 492 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,273 Of entrees per person? 493 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,042 Eh, one, sir. 494 00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:32,443 I mean for adults. 495 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,478 One. 496 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,980 No, I mean for adult males. 497 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:38,249 Yes. I repeat, eh, one. 498 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,718 All right, I'll have the lasagna. 499 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,719 All right. 500 00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,054 Meat or vegetarian? 501 00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:44,889 Oh, uh... Oh... 502 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,224 Vegetarian. 503 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:49,460 (quietly): Can the red sauce be cow blood? 504 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,762 We'll see what we can do. 505 00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,131 Is that mom? 506 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,933 Homer, can you come with me for a minute? 507 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,802 Marge, please, control your jealousy. 508 00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,303 This is your daughter. 509 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,405 We need to have a conversation 510 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,007 In loud whispers. 511 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,609 Uh, excuse me, lisa. 512 00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:07,378 A friend from high school. 513 00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:10,414 Homie, I felt terrible 514 00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:12,583 When you said I felt stuck with you. 515 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,085 But then I realized: 516 00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:16,120 I am stuck with you. 517 00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:18,956 I couldn't stop loving you if I tried. 518 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,826 I'm sorry, that's all very nice. 519 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,928 But I can't forget what you said. 520 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,163 I know, homie. 521 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,764 I know you well enough to know 522 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,666 You're not ready to forgive me yet. 523 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,868 But I also know you well enough 524 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:34,105 To know that this will work. 525 00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:35,840 Where'd you get that dress? 526 00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:38,809 Remember that sewing machine 527 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,378 You say I never use? 528 00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:43,781 Well, I sold it and bought this dress. 529 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:44,782 Wow... 530 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,717 Wow, that looks just like 531 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,786 The dress you wore on project runway. 532 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,054 Shush-shush-shush. 533 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,189 Oh, right. 534 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,857 I mean, this looks like a dress 535 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,625 From a local springfield store. 536 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,127 All is forgiven. 537 00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:57,862 Let's have dinner. 538 00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:02,233 (clears throat) 539 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,735 Dad, I believe we were on a date? 540 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,238 Oh, of course. You're right, honey. 541 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,107 I'll just, um... I'll park it at the bar. 542 00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:14,478 Well, hello. 543 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,648 And your lasagna with cow blood, sir. 544 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:18,816 Thanks, frenchy. 545 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,385 I'm not french, I'm just pissy. 546 00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:26,724 Lucas. 547 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,326 You're not competitive eating anymore? 548 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,493 No. 549 00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:31,262 I realized that was unrealistic. 550 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,663 Well, that's a relief. 551 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:35,199 My new goal is to become whatever adele is. 552 00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:37,768 Just call me pound-uca-dollar. (chuckles) 553 00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:40,104 What if I just taught you how to whistle? 554 00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,372 You know how to whistle? 555 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,673 Like with your mouth? 556 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:43,608 (whistles) 557 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,209 (blows air) 558 00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:46,677 Hey, I'm doing it! 559 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,679 (blowing air) I sound just like a bird! 560 00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:51,849 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org 561 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,085 (whistling theme song) 562 00:21:31,923 --> 00:21:34,125 Shh!