1 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:09,541 D'oh! (tires screeching) 2 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,210 (grunts) 3 00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,511 What the...?! 4 00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:18,017 Well, this is a no-brainer. 5 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,420 Woo-hoo! 6 00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:24,356 D'oh! 7 00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:27,459 D'oh! 8 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,062 D'oh! 9 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:32,798 D'oh! 10 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,569 D'oh! D'oh! 11 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,104 D'oh! 12 00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:42,207 D'oh! D'oh! 13 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,642 D'oh! 14 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:49,581 (groans) now what? 15 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,983 (screams) 16 00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,592 (marge humming) 17 00:01:05,698 --> 00:01:07,766 ¶ ¶ 18 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:11,470 (laughing) 19 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:39,264 ¶ ¶ 20 00:01:52,745 --> 00:01:53,445 (whirring) 21 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,447 Mom, it's not funny 22 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,416 If I can't hear the cats drown in their own barf. 23 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,651 (screaming) 24 00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:02,087 (whirring louder) 25 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,956 (retching continues louder) 26 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:07,626 Why can't kids still watch captain kangaroo?! 27 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,961 Culture's in decline. Deal with it. 28 00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,262 (groans): Oh! 29 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,664 (whirring louder) 30 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,733 (laughs) yay! A mess! 31 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,069 Ooh! Can I lick the ceiling? (groans): Oh. 32 00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:20,172 I was making that cake for the block party today. 33 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,307 Now there's no choice but to go... 34 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,076 Store-bought. 35 00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,379 (humming) 36 00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,921 (over p.A.): I need a price check on 37 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:38,423 Gramma shortcut's store-bought bundt cake. 38 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:39,758 (crowd gasps) 39 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:43,829 Keep it! 40 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,697 Let's go! 41 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,333 We've got some put-backs. 42 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,035 Roger dodger, boss. 43 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,437 Hey, don't turn old man on me. 44 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,273 You know, I used to be the buyer 45 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,008 For the whole chain-- 71 stores. 46 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,476 You heard of the a&p? 47 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,311 Well, we used to be the j&g. 48 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:02,781 ¶ you like what you see at the j&g ¶ 49 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,984 ¶ they're used to be three, but we lost the "z" and... ¶ 50 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,387 If I make out with you, will you shut up? 51 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,455 Ah, give it a shot. (moans) 52 00:03:10,457 --> 00:03:12,724 You know, we used to give out gray stamps. 53 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,226 Remember green stamps? 54 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,527 Ours was gray. 55 00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:23,068 Attention block party losers! 56 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,470 We are ear poison! 57 00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:28,674 (electric guitar riff plays) 58 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:32,511 ¶ there were bells on a hill ¶ 59 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:36,748 ¶ but I never heard them ringing ¶ 60 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:37,816 ¶ no, I never... ¶ 61 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,019 (gasps) 62 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,654 (british accent): We must have the same recipe. 63 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,356 Drive to store, buy cheap cake, 64 00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:45,591 Serves them right. 65 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,092 Booth wilkes-john. 66 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,328 My wife and I just moved here from london. 67 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,929 Marge simpson. 68 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,532 Congratulations on little king george. 69 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:56,735 Well, marge, my wife and I are hosting a get-to-know-you 70 00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:00,505 Game night on Saturday next-- or as you call it, next Saturday. 71 00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,541 Ooh! Game night? 72 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:04,209 You know? Adult games. 73 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:08,113 Well, not "adult games," fun games, like charades-- 74 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:10,082 Or as you call it, pictionary. 75 00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:11,750 It sounds like fun. 76 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,685 I'll just tell homer and... 77 00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:17,222 Homer, for the last time, 78 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,557 Do not drink the yahtzee dice. 79 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:19,625 Fine. 80 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,393 (grunts) 81 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,794 Ooh! Doubles. 82 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,063 Mm, I don't know. 83 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:28,133 We have church the next morning, starts at 11:00. 84 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,035 Oh, we're going to the game night. 85 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,204 Moving church to Monday afternoon. 86 00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,739 (groans) 87 00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:36,441 Well, if you change your mind, please let us know. 88 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,277 We could become "couples friends." 89 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:41,580 Now, let me try some of ned flanders' no alarm chili. 90 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,482 You'll only taste the spoon. 91 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,616 Brilliant. 92 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,154 Why don't we have any couples friends? 93 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,389 (groans) 94 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,825 Because... Couples friends are a myth, 95 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,461 Started by restaurants with tables for four. 96 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:58,230 I want friends! 97 00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,564 Any friends. 98 00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,766 Okay, sweetie. 99 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,000 I'll call the van houtens. 100 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,602 Not the van houtens. But... 101 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,937 They're always bragging about their trip to rome. 102 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:08,740 It was 12 years ago, and it was a layover. 103 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,609 I want new friends. 104 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:12,277 Lisa: Can I make an observation? 105 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,179 I'm okay with no friends. 106 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,947 It's easier to focus, 107 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:19,518 And it'll give me great material for whatever art form I choose. 108 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,087 Right now, I'm thinking long novella. 109 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,088 Good night. 110 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:26,325 Okay with no friends? 111 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,260 That's the saddest thing I can imagine 112 00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:29,828 My daughter saying to me. 113 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,196 Bart: I can think of worse. 114 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,698 The saddest thing would be 115 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,433 If you were driving and texting lisa 116 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,934 And you hit her. 117 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,704 And the last thing she texted before she died was, 118 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,706 "I got your message." 119 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,274 Good night. 120 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,345 Well, they all make good points. 121 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,614 Announcer: And now, the moment of truth 122 00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,183 On topiary wars. 123 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:04,529 This taj mahal should be floated down the ganges. 124 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,864 I'm sorry, cathy. 125 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,299 Turn in your shears and ladders. 126 00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:10,202 Come and get 'em! (laughs maniacally) 127 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,403 (grunting) 128 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,238 Oh! Thank you. 129 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,741 Why was that on the military history channel? 130 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,576 We're going to that game party, 131 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,878 And we're going to be charming and witty. 132 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,880 You're not going to eat too much, 133 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,316 And we're not going to stay too late. 134 00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:27,386 Marge: You will not sing unless there's a sing-along, 135 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:30,922 And never take the tray out of the caterer's hand. 136 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,558 Don't be too loud, and don't be too quiet. 137 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,495 When you're too quiet, you get that psycho look. 138 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,729 (jittering) 139 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,264 And stay in the living room. 140 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,267 Don't go to their kids' room and watch a basketball game. 141 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,769 Can I check out what toys they have? 142 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:44,870 No. 143 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:45,904 (groans) 144 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,073 Dinner party at the neighbors'. 145 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,741 At least I can drink. 146 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,109 One drink. 147 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:53,945 Wha...?! Walking distance, marge! 148 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:57,015 I've been looking forward to this all week. 149 00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:00,085 Duffman: Don't show your wife this app! 150 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,253 Powering down! 151 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,258 You were charming enough to win me, 152 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,960 And that day you didn't have a drink in you. 153 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:17,202 Marge! Homer! 154 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,738 Mwah! Mwah! 155 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,706 (quietly): Homer. 156 00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:24,810 You know, I have more cheeks. (chuckles) 157 00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:27,112 I'd like you to meet my wife wallis. 158 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,547 (deep voice): How ya doin'? 159 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,416 Wallis has unearthed the most delightful entertainment 160 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,485 To thrill us for hours on end. 161 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,788 It's a murder mystery, and we're all suspects. 162 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,223 (crowd gasps) 163 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:42,060 Great! I've always wanted to try and solve a crime. 164 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,462 (crowd gasps) 165 00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,730 Please, everyone, read your bio. 166 00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:47,132 (gasps) 167 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,402 I am a humble farmer from yorkshire. 168 00:07:50,404 --> 00:07:53,104 Humble I can be! 169 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,639 That's the spirit! 170 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,808 Wallis and I have found this game to provide 171 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,478 A full evening of divertissement, 172 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,080 Building in suspense to a masterful climax. 173 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,582 We've rented costumes 174 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,785 You'll find accurate to period and conducive to character. 175 00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:08,954 We will serve food and wine 176 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,590 Appropriate to period and palette. 177 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:12,991 (excited murmuring) 178 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,428 We've programmed music to cover every dramatic event. 179 00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,096 Hired a foley artist. 180 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,931 (steady galloping) 181 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,467 I believe the mare has a slight limp. 182 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,436 (erratic galloping) 183 00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,438 Yes. Yes! 184 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:31,209 So, for the next three hours, I welcome you to the moors of... 185 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,344 Question. 186 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,512 Uh, it says here 187 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,180 The murderer is admiral wainsworth. 188 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,281 Who's that? 189 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,616 (crowd groaning, murmuring) 190 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,285 You've... You-you've given away the game! 191 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:41,686 Well, you know... 192 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:42,888 Why you...! 193 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,523 (both grunting) 194 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,460 Thank you so much! 195 00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:52,063 Now wallis will once again withdraw into melancholia! 196 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,666 (monotonous): Birth, school, work, death. 197 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,402 Worth, drool, shirk, breath. 198 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,905 Mirth, cruel, quirk, meth. 199 00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,741 Just so you know, homer, you were going to be 200 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,644 A dashing russian count with multiple lovers! 201 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:08,647 Well, as we say in russia, 202 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,181 "good-bye in russian!" 203 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,750 Do svidaniya! 204 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:21,593 Uh, nice night for a walk. 205 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,761 (sighs) 206 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:26,197 I'd like to be alone for a while. 207 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,999 You want to be more alone? 208 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,334 Yes. 209 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,674 More? Mm-hmm. 210 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,078 What the...?! D'oh! 211 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,580 (groaning) 212 00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,982 That's good. 213 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:48,587 Okay, I slept on the couch 214 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,622 And I flipped the sweaty cushions over. 215 00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,624 What else can I do? It's okay. 216 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,960 I mean, those people didn't even want us at that party 217 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,761 In the first place. 218 00:09:56,763 --> 00:10:00,932 I think it's time we learn to live with being ostracized. 219 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,300 Mmm... 220 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:05,470 Don't you dare say "ostrich eyes"! 221 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,639 Because... Uh... 222 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,107 Oh! Oh, okay, okay! 223 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,375 What should we do? 224 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,977 Nothing. I give up. 225 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,878 No more dinner parties. 226 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,148 Our whole social life will be us watching tv 227 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,984 And you going to moe's. 228 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,486 I see. 229 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,922 (quietly): Woo-hoo! 230 00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,156 (rattles) 231 00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:29,127 Well, if that's how you think it has to be. 232 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,662 Yes, for us. 233 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,330 But not for lisa. 234 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,832 Never for lisa. 235 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,234 We're going to help her make friends. 236 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,669 It might be easier with maggie. 237 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,472 She's always getting letters from the day care center. 238 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:42,007 Those are past-due bills. 239 00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:44,643 They'll get their blood money. 240 00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:48,013 And lisa will get a friend. 241 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:50,015 After this, we'll do makeovers. 242 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,683 (groans) 243 00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:56,955 So where are all the friends? 244 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,423 I don't know. 245 00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:01,326 I invited everyone that lisa's ever met. 246 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,995 Who are you? Gus huebner. 247 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:07,165 I was on lisa's coed soccer team two years ago. 248 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,768 Well, lisa's gonna be here in five minutes, 249 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,604 And the only kid who showed up is gus freakin' huebner. 250 00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:14,272 Watch your mouth. (groans) 251 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,941 Oh, no, you're right, homer. Abort! 252 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,510 Abort! Oh, no. 253 00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:21,346 I was the only chump who showed up at this train wreck. 254 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,448 Well, I'm not leaving till I get a party. 255 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:26,451 Fine, fine. Homer, give him a party. 256 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:29,688 (the streets of san francisco theme playing) 257 00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:45,470 (homer shouts) 258 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,082 Gus huebner? 259 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,950 Is that you? 260 00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:02,087 (chuckles): I wish. 261 00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,322 That kid can play youth soccer. 262 00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,762 Are you guys okay? 263 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,497 Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I'm fine. 264 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,099 Yeah. That's... Nothing's going on. 265 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,900 Right, right. Nothing. 266 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:16,701 What's for dinner? 267 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:18,436 Pizza. Mmm. 268 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:19,738 Lots of pizza. 269 00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,851 So, as her teacher, I was wondering if you could tell me 270 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:36,287 Why lisa has such trouble making friends. 271 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,957 Marge, this is when I normally eat lunch. 272 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:42,627 So I'll just tell you lisa is... Unique. 273 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,696 And we're done. 274 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:50,769 All right. For some reason, 275 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:54,038 Square dancing is a part of the gym curriculum. 276 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,441 Now, I'm gonna open the divider to the girls' gym, 277 00:12:56,443 --> 00:13:00,712 And if you don't find a dance partner within ten seconds, 278 00:13:00,714 --> 00:13:04,816 There is something very wrong with you! 279 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,951 ¶ ¶ 280 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:18,229 Hmm. 281 00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:19,297 (groans) 282 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:21,366 Aw. 283 00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:24,335 That's tough luck, lisa. 284 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,571 Looks like you're dancing with groundskeeper willie. 285 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,239 Careful of your toes. 286 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,774 I got me cleats on! 287 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,743 I'll dance with lisa. 288 00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:34,312 Tumi? But you're from the other second grade. 289 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,048 We only come together for tornado drills. 290 00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,286 (groans) god, I hate square dancing. 291 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,088 It ain't gym class if a fat kid's not crying. 292 00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,423 Let's do this thing. 293 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,358 (plucking notes) 294 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,861 (playing lively music) 295 00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,966 ¶ swing your partner, swing her hard ¶ 296 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,835 ¶ do-si-do while I bombard ¶ 297 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,137 Hey! Ha! Ho! Ha! 298 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,472 ¶ do-si-do while I bombard ¶ 299 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,308 ¶ oh, thank god, the clock says 3:00 ¶ 300 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,143 ¶ 'cause I have to take a pee. ¶ 301 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:06,477 (school bell ringing) 302 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:07,812 Finally. 303 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,148 That was fun. Yeah, it kind of was. 304 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,884 But I won't push it, I promise. See ya. 305 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,053 Oh, wait, wait, wait. Um, I was going 306 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,455 To all sales vinyl after school. 307 00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:18,790 The vintage record store? 308 00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:20,625 Yeah. You want to come with me? 309 00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,794 At the risk of sounding like a broken record, 310 00:14:22,796 --> 00:14:24,662 Yes, yes, yes! 311 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,965 ("stolen moments" by oliver nelson playing) 312 00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:31,536 (strained): They will fit. They will fit. 313 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,438 (grunts) yes! 314 00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:39,911 Hmm. Nobody likes jazz that much. 315 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,413 Even the guy playing it had to take drugs. 316 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,148 It's so much fun 317 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:45,984 To finally have a friend who likes the npr show 318 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:48,753 Wait wait... Don't tell me! As much as I do. 319 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,589 Peter sagal: So, carl kasell, how did the house minority whip 320 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,424 Do on our news quiz? 321 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,760 Carl kasell: Well, peter, he got two out of three right, 322 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:58,763 So he wins me recording his outgoing message. 323 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,765 Man: Oh, that's okay. Really. No, no, no. Please don't. 324 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,533 Kasell: It's not optional. 325 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,502 (both giggling) 326 00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,106 See, marge? 327 00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,174 Problems will work themselves out 328 00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,876 If you just leave them alone. 329 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,044 Mm-hmm. 330 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,245 Want some more smoothie? 331 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,315 As long as you load up on the kale and chia. 332 00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:22,453 Oh, no one likes veggie smoothies that much. 333 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,022 Or at all. Hmm. 334 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,924 Something's fishy about that girl, 335 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:28,192 And I'm gonna follow her till I find out what. 336 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:30,094 And I'm gonna help you. 337 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,897 I think I'll need you back at headquarters manning the phones. 338 00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:34,966 Great. What do I say? 339 00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:35,967 Just let 'em ring. 340 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,135 Got it! 341 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,137 ¶ they smile in your face ¶ 342 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,072 ¶ all the time they want to take your place ¶ 343 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,074 ¶ the backstabbers ¶ 344 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,476 ¶ backstabbers ¶ 345 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,778 ¶ they smile in your face ¶ 346 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,980 ¶ all the time they want to take your place ¶ 347 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,382 ¶ the backstabbers ¶ 348 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,217 ¶ backstabbers ¶ 349 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,620 ¶ all you fellas who have someone ¶ 350 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,956 ¶ and you really care ¶ 351 00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:00,058 ¶ yeah, yeah ¶ 352 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:03,394 ¶ then it's all of you fellas... ¶ 353 00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:12,670 ¶ low-down, dirty. ¶ 354 00:16:17,409 --> 00:16:18,743 What do you want? 355 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,111 I've got two things for you. 356 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,779 This envelope will change your life 357 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,781 For the low, low price of five dollars, 358 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,284 And I'll throw in a piece of great advice. 359 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,353 Tempted? 360 00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:31,789 What's the advice? 361 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,491 Don't open the envelope. 362 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,560 (snickers) 363 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:41,232 Oh, god, I'm gonna be sick. 364 00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:48,373 (gasps) 365 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,375 Mom paid her to be my friend? 366 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,443 (crying) 367 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,281 That's mine. 368 00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:59,283 It's for my library card. 369 00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,119 (groans) 370 00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,292 You don't want to be here. 371 00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:09,961 (whimpers) neither do you! 372 00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:11,396 (whimpers) 373 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,736 Mom, how could you pay someone to be my friend? 374 00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:21,239 Answer me! 375 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,876 Oh, I wouldn't say I paid someone to be your friend. 376 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:27,745 I just gave her money for records and ice cream. 377 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,747 Homer: You gave away ice cream?! 378 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,016 I would've found a friend eventually. 379 00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:35,753 You couldn't wait a damn decade until I got into college? 380 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,088 (crying) 381 00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:40,091 Oh, lisa. Lisa, wait! 382 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,726 (crying) 383 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,094 Oh, god, oh, god. 384 00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,563 I'm the smart parent. 385 00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:50,868 I'm sorry she rejected your "I'm sorry" cake, 386 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,203 But, in a way, I'm not. 387 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,606 I guess what I'm trying to say is I like cake. 388 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,275 Marge, don't feel bad. 389 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,911 You did what any parent would do. 390 00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:02,080 No, I think I went too far. 391 00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:04,048 Let me tell you a little story 392 00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:07,752 About a chubby unpopular boy named homer. 393 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,254 Is that the boy you named me after? 394 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,090 It is you, you idiot! 395 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:13,458 Whoa. Little homer had 396 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,359 A devil of a time making friends. 397 00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:17,428 No one wanted to come visit him. 398 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,731 So I decided to take matters into my own hands. 399 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,900 I paid a couple of boys, 400 00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:27,405 Lenny and carl, to make my homer feel loved. 401 00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:30,975 A relationship I continued to this day. 402 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,544 You pay lenny and carl to be my friends?! 403 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:36,481 Yes, but barney's yours for nothing. 404 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:37,982 Aw. Hmm. 405 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:40,051 Well, that makes me feel better. 406 00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,419 (lock clicks) 407 00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,054 Lisa's door is unlocked! 408 00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,591 Dad, is that story really true? 409 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,925 (laughs) 410 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,760 I wouldn't pay ten cents to a lion 411 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,596 To stop him from eating you! 412 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:52,663 (groans) 413 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,569 Lisa, just say something to me. 414 00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,071 I'm gonna tell every psychiatrist 415 00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:02,106 I ever go to what you did. 416 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:05,076 (voice breaking): A mother's greatest fear. 417 00:19:05,078 --> 00:19:07,278 (crying) 418 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,947 Lisa: Wow, I made mom cry. 419 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,150 What unimaginable power. 420 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,652 I can use this to get anything I want. 421 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,321 But right now, all I want 422 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:20,758 Is for mom to stop crying. 423 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,293 Mom, stop! Stop! 424 00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:25,530 Stop. I'm sorry. 425 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:26,531 Oh... 426 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,099 Please stop! 427 00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:29,967 (cries, snorts) 428 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,536 (sighs) 429 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,538 You're not mad anymore? 430 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,106 I'm fine. Fine. 431 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:36,274 It's funny, but... 432 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:39,110 Hurting your feelings made me feel better. 433 00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:41,045 Mm, try to forget that. 434 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,314 But when I grow up, I'll find other weird kids, 435 00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:46,617 And we will have the most intense relationships ever. 436 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:49,053 And I'll always love you. 437 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,321 Aw. 438 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:52,190 Happy mother's day. 439 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,892 Mother's day?! Mother's day?! Crap! 440 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:00,298 Okay, 441 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,166 Initially I was just gonna be your friend 442 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,834 Till I could afford a nice belt. 443 00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,336 But I like you, lisa, 444 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,572 And I want to keep being friends with you. 445 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,140 Great. But from now on, 446 00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:11,876 We have to be totally honest with each other. 447 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,544 You're absolutely right. 448 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,546 I'm not really a vegetarian. 449 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,248 Have you ever tried horse meat? 450 00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,317 They eat it raw in japan, and... 451 00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:29,994 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org 452 00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:09,100 Shh!