1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,236
(laughing)
2
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:12,177
(exclaiming)
3
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,350
(school bell ringing)
4
00:00:20,955 --> 00:00:21,954
(Barney belches)
5
00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:23,956
(whistle blows)
6
00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:26,025
(yells)
7
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,560
♪ ♪
8
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,863
(playing melodic harp)
9
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,738
D'oh!
10
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:40,739
(tires screeching)
11
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:42,408
(grunts)
12
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,476
(wind whistling)
13
00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,080
(tires screeching)
14
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,416
(Milhouse grunting)
15
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,583
(bird squawking)
16
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,755
(Selma and Patty grunt)
17
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:57,990
Ow.
18
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,026
(squawking)
19
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:02,928
(Homer yelling, grunting)
20
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,564
(playing the blues)
21
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,166
(wind gusts, explosion)
22
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,300
Hola.
23
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,904
♪ Simpsons Time ♪
24
00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:12,938
♪ Run, don't walk ♪
(sniffing)
25
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,573
♪ You might even hear ♪
26
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:15,908
♪ Maggie talk ♪
27
00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:18,243
♪ Bart the Boy
and a dog named Homer ♪
28
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,912
♪ And jokes written on signs ♪
29
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:21,914
♪ It's Simpsons Time. ♪
Yay!
30
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,515
(Homer grunts, yells)
31
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,792
What a beautiful day
for a family stroll.
32
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:37,096
Tell that
to my aching back!
33
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:39,098
(groans)
34
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:40,799
It's not a family stroll--
Homer forgot where
35
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:43,302
he parked his car last night,
and now we have to find it.
36
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,138
What a beautiful day
to be in denial.
37
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,606
Yeah, Bart. Who cares?
38
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,608
The sun is shining,
birds are singing...
39
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,078
people are staring up
at the sky in terror?
40
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,546
(Simpsons shriek)
41
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,483
Do you see it, Lisa?
42
00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:00,319
There's... nothing... there.
43
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:03,155
And that's where
Lard Lad used to be!
44
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:04,923
Oh, looks like we
better file a report
45
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,825
with the Bureau of
Missing Statues.
46
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:10,262
Yeah. Be like that time
that Rodin statue got stolen.
47
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,965
What was the name
of that statue again? Eh...
48
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,500
Ah, let me think. Um...
49
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,801
Thinkin'.
50
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,469
Yeah, still thinkin'.
51
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,639
Still thinkin'.
52
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,641
Uh, either we can
fan out and search,
53
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:23,976
or bunch up and riot.
54
00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:27,279
Oh, balderdash and poppycock.
I say we do not riot.
55
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,580
ALL:
Riot!
56
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,915
ALL:
Don't!
57
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,283
Riot!
58
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,584
Don't!
59
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,086
Riot!
60
00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:36,155
(all yelling)
61
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,491
(indistinct chatter)
62
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,559
(grunts)
63
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,834
And thanks to the equal number
of nonrioters,
64
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,837
the total cost of the damage
is zero dollars.
65
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,605
Homer, were you
in that riot?
66
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:54,773
Marge, please.
67
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,675
I'm a leader
in this community.
68
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,777
BROCKMAN:
In response to the outcry,
69
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,445
-(alarm ringing)
-Lard Lad's parent company,
70
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:02,447
Tianjin Mining and Smelting
and Donuts,
71
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,116
has issued
the following statement:
72
00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:07,819
"We are rebranding Lard Lad
with an updated statue."
73
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,555
Ooh, rebranding.
74
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,557
That just means
admitting failure, Dad.
75
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,892
Ooh, admitting failure.
76
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,227
People of Springfield,
77
00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,062
please welcome Mr.--
78
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:20,065
I know I'm gonna mangle this--
Lee Fong.
79
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,501
Uh, actually, it's
pronounced Robert Chan.
80
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,069
(moans)
81
00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:27,906
And now, please welcome the
model for the original Lard Lad,
82
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,808
Mr. Laird Lad.
83
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,243
A lot of crazy names today.
84
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:36,181
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Lard Lad's bold,
85
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,250
focus-grouped, new look!
86
00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:41,353
(mechanical whirring)
87
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,821
(statue squeaking)
88
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,756
That doesn't say donuts!
89
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,992
That says management overthink!
90
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,026
The Thinke
91
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,595
That statue's
called The Thinker.
92
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,596
(laughs)
93
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:51,597
What? What are we on now?
94
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:52,731
What?
95
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,601
People, let's give
the new statue a chance.
96
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,903
When the Eiffel Tower
was first built,
97
00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:00,672
many said it was
a steel monstrosity.
98
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,241
It still is.
99
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:05,077
Fine, but maybe this
will grow on you.
100
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:07,012
Aw, this thing sucks.
I don't think so.
101
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:07,946
(overlapping disapproval)
102
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,015
Well, at-at-at
a certain angle...
103
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,083
It's beautiful.
104
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,251
We love it.
That's beautiful.
105
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,419
(all cheer)
106
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,421
(wind whistling)
107
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,423
♪ ♪
108
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,424
You fools!
109
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,459
You've erected a massive
110
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,461
concave reflective surface.
111
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:25,597
It will focus the sun's
beam in a deadly ray.
112
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,333
(people scream)
113
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,107
(growls)
114
00:04:43,117 --> 00:04:45,450
Yeah!
Yeah!
115
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,086
(all groan)
116
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,621
(all gasp)
117
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,822
Oh.
Uh.
118
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:51,957
Hey!
119
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:54,092
(groans)
120
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,694
(gun hammer clicks)
121
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,466
QUIMBY:
First off, I'd like
to thank the good people
122
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:05,437
at Tianjin Smelting and Mining
and Donuts and Tarps
123
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:09,274
for neutralizing our wonderful,
deadly, new Lard Lad.
124
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,943
Yeah, that's great.
125
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:13,178
They'll grow back.
126
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:17,082
The time for mourning and
blaming our mayors has passed.
127
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,917
We will rebuild.
128
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,420
We will
rebuild.
129
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,622
ALL:
We will rebuild.
130
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:26,124
We will rebuild!
131
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,493
We will
rebuild!
132
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,770
(strained):
We will rebuild.
133
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,605
We will rebuild.
134
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:43,475
I guess there's only
one man we can turn to.
135
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,643
Supergirl?!
136
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,712
(ominous organ music plays)
137
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:51,016
So... you'd like me
to save the town.
138
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,951
Well, you've got gumption,
I'll give you that.
139
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,620
(laughing):
And such an adorable baby,
140
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:58,724
it really restores my...
my faith in... in the, uh...
141
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,893
Smithers, where is the
damn trapdoor button?
142
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,162
Mr. Burns, you already
trap-doored us
143
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,897
from your
upstairs office.
144
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,666
(laughs)
Yes.
145
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,800
And how was
your fall?
146
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,402
Painful?
Unexpected?
147
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,404
Oh, yeah.
Worst I've ever had.
148
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:13,805
Oh! Really...
Really...
149
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:14,906
Pulled something.
Totally painful.
150
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,241
Did not see it coming.
151
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,809
(chuckles)
Excellent.
152
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:23,081
So... remind me what
I was saying no to.
153
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,417
Funding repairs
to the town.
154
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:28,253
But if you could do
even one little project.
155
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:29,921
Reducking the duck pond
156
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:32,257
or fixing up
the Springfield Bowl.
157
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:34,659
The Springfield Bowl.
158
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,400
Very well.
159
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:44,069
I will rebuild this town
on one condition.
160
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,954
Forget it.
161
00:06:45,955 --> 00:06:47,838
Our desperate plea
is nonnegotiable.
162
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,008
I want to put on a
variety show at the Bowl.
163
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:53,011
A celebration of everything
wonderful about... um,
164
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,112
what's the name
of this town again?
165
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,280
Springfield, sir.
166
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:58,517
Yes, I will destroy
Springfield.
167
00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,584
Celebrate, sir.
168
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,086
Fine, we'll try it
your way first.
169
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,194
Springfield has risen
from the ashes like a phoenix.
170
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,029
That's phoenix,
the mythical bird,
171
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:14,366
not Phoenix, the cultureless,
Mars-scape of the Southwest.
172
00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:15,600
(chuckles)
173
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:16,768
Our unlikely angel,
174
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,371
the devil himself,
C. Montgomery Burns.
175
00:07:19,373 --> 00:07:20,806
Thank you, Kent.
176
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:22,908
(groans)
177
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,910
And don't forget
the open auditions
178
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,912
for my Springfield Follies.
179
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,747
This year women
may audition, too,
180
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:29,915
with permission
of husband,
181
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,250
father and pastor
in writing.
182
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,219
BURNS:
Next.
183
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,089
(cat yowls)
184
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,324
(gentle melody plays on piano)
(clears throat)
185
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,792
(coughs)
186
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:47,799
(beautiful soprano voice):
♪ Un bel di, vedremo ♪
187
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:54,639
♪ Levarsi un fil di fumo... ♪
188
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,642
Puccini's a little
well-trod, don't you think?
189
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,311
(yells incoherently)
190
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:00,645
This isn't right.
191
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:01,947
This isn't how
it was at all.
192
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,082
I remember that
night so vividly.
193
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,589
Monty, time to go on stage.
194
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,957
Yes, Mama.
195
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,626
Your little butterscotch drop
won't let you down.
196
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,161
Aw, who's candy?
197
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,429
You's candy.
198
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:20,265
Oh, I'm gonna lick you,
my sweet little lolly.
199
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,433
Who likes
Mommy's licks?
200
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:22,934
Monty likes
Mommy's licks.
201
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,302
Lickity, lickity, lick.
202
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,303
(laughing):
Oh, oh, oh.
203
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,938
(giggling)
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
204
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,107
Oh. Oh, ho, ho.
205
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:32,444
But the butterscotch soon turned
to bitter squelch.
206
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:34,779
I want everything just
as it was back then.
207
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,114
The stage filled
with children
208
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,616
like those from 1913.
209
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,317
High-spirited,
snaggletoothed,
210
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,286
and willing to work
18 hours a day.
211
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,787
SKINNER (over P.A.):
Attention.
212
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:44,523
An old man is
prowling the school,
213
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:45,957
looking for young children.
214
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,126
Please, perform for him.
215
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,729
Watch me make
this nerd disappear.
216
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:51,730
(grunts)
217
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:52,898
Ta-da!
218
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,733
Also, haw-haw!
219
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:55,967
Excellent villain.
220
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,802
And my cast is complete.
221
00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:00,171
I'll just save the list and...
222
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,641
(groans)
223
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,343
Samson himself could not
pry open these jaws.
224
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:06,845
Can I help you, sir?
225
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,981
Oh, women aren't meant
for clasp opening.
226
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,585
Young lady, if there's
one thing I know
227
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,020
about show business,
it's that there are
228
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,755
a lot of clipboards.
229
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:19,190
How would you like to be
my assistant director?
230
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,592
Hmm.
231
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,260
And I'll be
perfectly positioned
232
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:25,864
to find out exactly what
Mr. Burns is really up to.
233
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:26,865
I'm in.
234
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,400
And if you need
another act,
235
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,235
I also play this.
236
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,670
There's no room
in my show
237
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:34,673
for Adolphe Sax's
vile-sounding o-phone.
238
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,908
Do you ever say
anything in a simple way?
239
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:37,943
Shut up.
240
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,010
Well, that was clear.
241
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,445
(bird caws)
242
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,447
Hey, Homer, are you
sure we haven't let
243
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,683
the plant slip
with Mr. Burns gone?
244
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,085
Smitty, as a wise,
old man once said,
245
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,520
"Out with the old...
246
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:50,589
and in with the brew."
247
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,657
♪ ♪
248
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:54,993
(slurping)
249
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,164
(indistinct chatter)
250
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,103
(alarm buzzing)
251
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,172
(buzzing ends)
252
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,813
(hums)
253
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,983
(vocalizing)
254
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,254
That's enough.
255
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,423
But I haven't
started my act.
256
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,092
Muntz, what have you got?
257
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:28,426
A rabbit in a bag.
258
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,595
Ooh, a promising
magic trick.
259
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,597
No, it's my lunch.
260
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,299
Bah! You're all
incompetent.
261
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,101
I won't go through
this a second time.
262
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,268
Second time?
263
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,937
Is there something
you're not telling us?
264
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,105
A vast amount.
265
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,173
And what part of
"What I've never told you"
266
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,275
don't you understand?
267
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:47,278
♪ ♪
268
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,681
(laughter)
269
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,285
Mother, what is that
sound they're making?
270
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,654
Well, it's called laughter.
271
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:57,789
You're a laughingstock,
Charles.
272
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:01,092
(whimpering):
Oh, oh, it's awful.
273
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,794
This show isn't good enough.
274
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,829
No show could be good enough.
275
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,631
(muffled):
It's not?
276
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:09,267
(bird chirping)
277
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,669
(liquid pouring)
278
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:14,839
(cheerful scatting)
279
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:15,840
What are you doing?
280
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,009
Da-da-do-doo!
Getting ready for Monday.
281
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,512
I'm gonna fill
a Super Soaker full of lemonade,
282
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,447
Carl's gonna fill one
with iced tea,
283
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,483
and we're gonna Arnold Palmer
Lenny when he walks in.
284
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:29,154
(laughing)
285
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:31,456
Arnold Palmer Lenny.
286
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:34,292
You're going to
Arnold Palmer Lenny.
287
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:38,329
Yeah, you see,
Arnold Palmer was a golfer
288
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,565
and he made up this drink
289
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,802
where it's not a full glass
of lemonade
290
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,071
or a full glass of iced tea.
291
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,672
Instead...
292
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:50,408
Homie, I'm worried about
all this silliness at work.
293
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,577
You're the safety inspector.
294
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,913
I'm a safety inspector.
295
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,147
Not the.
296
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,582
I've never seen another.
297
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,984
What-- wait,
one safety inspector?
298
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,653
For the whole nuclear plant?
299
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:03,021
That's insane.
300
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,589
(giggles)
301
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,157
Put everything in the car
and get out of town.
302
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,259
I'll find you,
if there are still roads!
303
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:12,497
Sweetie, sweetie, all you've
got to do is be responsible.
304
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,998
Your friends
consider you the leader
305
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,867
because you're a little taller.
306
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,235
Hmm. Wow.
307
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,670
Wow!
308
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:22,574
With above-average height comes
above-average responsibility.
309
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:25,009
Marge, thank you
for setting me straight.
310
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,644
You're welcome.
311
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,847
Okay, I want to open this show
312
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,015
with someone being shot
into a cannon.
313
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:33,251
(laughs)
314
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,086
You're joking, right?
315
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:39,090
Well, because, see,
that's impossible.
316
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,125
(chuckles nervously)
317
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,093
(audience laughing)
318
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,595
(sputters)
319
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,597
Gah! Oh.
320
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,766
Everyone, little miss nitpick
hates the show,
321
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,033
so I'm shutting it down.
322
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,369
("Sabre Dance"
by Aram Khachaturian plays)
323
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,704
This was an act.
324
00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:55,106
Now it's just bullying.
325
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,175
(lights shatter on the ground)
326
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,812
(bellows)
327
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:04,082
Thanks a lot, Lisa.
328
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,083
We were getting out
of school for this.
329
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,151
(shoes tapping)
330
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,259
(doorbell rings)
Well, if it isn't
the little girl
331
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,794
that made a billionaire cry.
332
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,762
May I please speak
with Mr. Burns?
333
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,164
No, he's very busy.
334
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,102
Won't you please come back
and do the show?
335
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:26,271
Shan't.
336
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:29,641
(bike bell ringing)
337
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,777
Oh, that bell has
quite the recoil.
338
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,779
(bell continues ringing)
Oh, what is bothering him?
339
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,148
And what were those weird lines
around his eyes?
340
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,449
I know.
341
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,885
It's such a tragedy
on that beautiful face.
342
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,288
Come here.
343
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,823
Well, there's only
one explanation
344
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,090
for those lines, Lisa.
345
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:48,860
He's been watching something
on the Mutoscope.
346
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,298
So, if I play this,
347
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,833
I'll know the answer.
348
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:55,834
Mm-hmm.
349
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,836
It, uh, costs a nickel.
350
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,172
(coin drops into slot)
351
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,375
(film winding and sputtering)
352
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:14,319
(Lisa gasps)
353
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,920
(film continues sputtering)
354
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:22,961
So this is what made
Mr. Burns the monster he is.
355
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,396
(giggles)
356
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:26,798
BURNS:
Within days
357
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,833
half of America
was cranking to my bottom.
358
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:31,836
I think you're trying to make up
for what happened to you then
359
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:34,505
by putting on a
perfect Bowl show now.
360
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,841
(scoffs)
Spare me you amateur psychology.
361
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:39,677
"Ooh, I saw my father
decapitated by a grain harvester
362
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,513
"and now I can't enjoy wheat.
Boohoo."
363
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,817
Mr. Burns, I want you
to listen to that crowd.
364
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,321
(film winding and sputtering)
365
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,858
Do you really want to let
those happy, joyous people win?
366
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,927
(film continues
winding and sputtering)
367
00:14:58,698 --> 00:14:59,864
(inflate, then pop)
368
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,333
Smithers, locate my dickey.
369
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,768
We've got a show to do.
370
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,069
♪ I was gonna clean my room ♪
371
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,505
(laughter and cheering)
♪ Until I got high ♪
372
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,007
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
373
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:11,276
♪ I was gonna get up
and find the broom ♪
(Lenny grunting)
374
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,844
(phone rings,
then record scratch)
♪ But then... ♪
375
00:15:12,846 --> 00:15:13,945
Springfield Nuclear.
376
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,180
Yes, yes, sir,
I'll alert the workers...
377
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:17,782
that the pizzas are here!
378
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:20,351
(cheering, party music plays)
379
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,120
Oh, yeah, here he comes.
380
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,255
The life of this party!
381
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,859
Who wants to get back to work?
382
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:29,794
(record scratch, music stops)
MAN:
What?
383
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:30,862
(balloons squeak)
384
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,764
We are a public trust.
385
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,033
We bring power
to people's homes.
386
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:39,037
Lightbulbs, toasters,
and that's all I can think of.
387
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,939
Now let's buckle down!
388
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,877
Okay, Homer, just let us get
our microwave popcorn
389
00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:46,911
out of the core.
390
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,446
You're only supposed to do that
391
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,748
when we're watching a movie
in the core.
392
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,251
(rapid popping, then explosion)
393
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:54,819
(crickets chirping)
394
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,121
(indistinct conversations)
395
00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,458
(ragtime piano music plays)
396
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,669
(pop, then squirt,
windshield wipers thumping)
397
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,841
(cheering and whooping)
398
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,443
Thank you, thank you.
399
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:19,677
Well, that's the easiest time
400
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:22,113
anyone's had parking
at the Springfield Bowl.
401
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,281
(laughter)
402
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,949
Don't you laugh at me!
(laughter dies down)
403
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,918
Now, enjoy the show.
404
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,822
God always liked you best.
405
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,591
No, God loves
everyone equally.
406
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,426
That's wonderful news.
407
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:36,761
(chuckles)
408
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,830
Enough of your
tomfoolery, Todd.
409
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,098
Let's sing.
410
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:43,501
BOTH:
♪ Michael,
row your boat ashore ♪
411
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,938
♪ Hallelujah ♪
412
00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:50,475
♪ Michael,
row your boat ashore ♪
413
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,944
♪ Hallelu... ♪
414
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:57,849
Say, Sockie, who was that lady
I saw you with last night?
415
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,851
(high-pitched):
That was no lady.
416
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,285
That was your mother.
417
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:03,121
(normal voice):
Oh, she'll date anyone.
418
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,623
Why won't she give me
a stable home?
419
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,126
(high-pitched):
Haw-haw!
420
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,194
(bells ringing melodically)
421
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:15,066
(bells stop, xylophone plays)
422
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:18,069
(drumroll, hatch creaks)
423
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:19,337
(cymbal crash,
audience applauds)
424
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,839
Um, this is just
a simple twins trick.
425
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,908
They pulled the other twin
out of the tank
426
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,343
behind the curtain.
427
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,345
(applause)
428
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:32,150
(fireworks exploding,
audience cheering and whooping)
429
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,352
Wait, that wasn't
part of the show.
430
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,686
(screaming)
431
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,855
No. No, it's not fair!
432
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:38,856
I was good!
433
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,091
Arnold.
434
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,592
Palmer!
(grunting)
435
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,027
(both laughing)
436
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,263
(sighs)
Fantastic.
437
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,365
What a finale, eh, Mr. Burns?
438
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,168
Childhood trauma cured,
huh, huh?
439
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,537
That wasn't the finale.
440
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,405
(audience laughing)
441
00:17:57,177 --> 00:18:00,244
Maestro, "Golden Slippers,"
if you please.
442
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:01,479
Ooh, boy.
443
00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:06,184
(shudders)
444
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,985
We can't let him make
a fool of himself again.
445
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,490
No, no, Mr. Burns
needs to do this.
446
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,862
♪ Oh, dem golden slippers ♪
447
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:20,264
♪ Oh, dem gold...
(stammers)
448
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,433
Ow, the burn.
Ooh!
449
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,103
Mr. Burns can't take the impact
of that many photons.
450
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,105
Those light-shining fools!
451
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,106
(muttering)
452
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,608
Ow!
Ah!
453
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:34,479
(laughter)
454
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:36,814
Oh, for a murder of crows
455
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,083
to pluck out mine eyes!
456
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,084
You.
457
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:41,152
This show was your fault.
458
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,821
Well, you'd better
know this, mister.
459
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,490
This town has my back.
460
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:46,757
And... hey.
461
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:47,825
Where did they go?
462
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,795
How did 15,000 people
leave so fast?
463
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,830
Um... hey!
464
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,999
Want to see me do a cartwheel?
465
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,968
(chuckles nervously,
then grunts)
466
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,002
(sighs)
467
00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:00,371
Always had trouble with those.
468
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,674
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
469
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,943
At my age, I can't
stay anything at anybody.
470
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,445
Oh, and you know what?
471
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,480
The laughter in my head is gone.
472
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,849
Go ahead,
blow your German kazoo.
473
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:12,850
Yes, sir!
474
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,919
(playing "Golden Slippers")
475
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,923
Smithers, tap my foot for me.
476
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,491
With impatience.
477
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,793
Now, lift my arm
so I can check my watch.
478
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,262
Oh, you really
should start doing
479
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,930
some of these things yourself.
480
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,064
♪ ♪
481
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,439
(slurps)
Dad, why do
Simpsons always fail?
482
00:19:35,441 --> 00:19:40,678
Oh, sweetie pie, it's a terrible
curse that goes back centuries.
483
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,613
(knocking on door)
484
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,614
No, no!
485
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:44,782
Don't answer that.
486
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,285
MAN: We just need a place
to stay for the night.
487
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,287
Oh, shouldn't we help them?
488
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,690
Hey, in Zero BC,
you can't trust anybody.
489
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,991
Curse them, Mary!
490
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,460
You curse them,
my water just broke!
491
00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:57,528
Please?
492
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,298
(goofy spring sound)
493
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,333
(laser sound, then explosion)
494
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,335
You're telling me
that really happened?
495
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,470
They looked just like us,
didn't they?
496
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,539
(ragtime band plays)
497
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:20,551
Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's all,
folks!
498
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:30,494
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
499
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,095
Shh!