1 00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:09,141 Homer: Come on, Marge, where's dinner? 2 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,509 What's the holdup in there? 3 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,012 (To "charge" fanfare): ♪ pot-pop-pot-pot pot pies! 4 00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:14,346 A pie for Bart... 5 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,781 Come on, put them down already. 6 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:17,049 ...a veggie pie for Lisa... 7 00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:18,784 Why do you have to describe everything? 8 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,185 ...a baby pie for Maggie. 9 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,954 The pies know who they're for. 10 00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:23,789 A dog pie for Santa's little helper. What? The dog... 11 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,057 The dog before me? 12 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:27,059 Now, be sure to cut it open first 13 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,961 so the pie has time to cool. 14 00:00:28,963 --> 00:00:30,396 (Screams) I'm done. 15 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,399 I know you're in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football, 16 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:36,135 but first I want you to put the kids to bed. 17 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,169 (Groans loudly) 18 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,537 (Strains, grunts) 19 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,373 "Everything after the tornado was a dream. The end." 20 00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:44,309 (Tires screech) 21 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,677 Announcer: Going into halftime, 22 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,514 it's Springfield atoms 7, Boston Americans 10. 23 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,383 Oh, come on, we cannot lose again 24 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,219 to those no-good Boston cheaters! 25 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,655 I-i can't stand that pretty-boy quarterback. 26 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,323 Thinks he's so handsome, 27 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,392 just 'cause he's drop-dead gorgeous. 28 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,028 The only Boston wins is because they cheat! 29 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,064 Listening in on our teams' headsets, 30 00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,231 fattening our cheerleaders. 31 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,900 You know, for three games last year, 32 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:10,035 Boston used a volleyball painted brown. 33 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:12,004 (Boston accent): That was never proven, 34 00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:14,206 you Springfield screw-job. 35 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,774 Ugh, Boston fans. 36 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,610 In town for the Dennis lehane book tour. 37 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:21,880 Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule- breaking cranberry squeezers! 38 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,215 We don't cheat. 39 00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:25,184 We won 12 division titles in ten years, 40 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:26,685 fair and square. 41 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:30,422 You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings. 42 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,125 All: Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 43 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,526 You're the one who's jealous. 44 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:37,096 I only wish I could be as jealous as you. 45 00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,597 Geez, Jay, this place has got 46 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,265 more knobs than a hardware store. 47 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,401 I hate this town. 48 00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:44,570 So don't I. Friggin' doorknobs. 49 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:46,371 (Laughter) Automatic. 50 00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,140 Both: Mwah, mwah, mwah. 51 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,275 Announcer: It's fourth and long, 52 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,610 the Americans' last chance 53 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,744 for a miracle. 54 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,913 Come on, Springfield, put it away! 55 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,116 We're gonna win one. We're finally gonna win one! 56 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,118 Announcer: The qb handsomely takes the snap, 57 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,619 sexily steps back to pass, 58 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,888 and with god-given good looks, fires it downfield! 59 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,456 But there's no one there to receive it! 60 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,390 (Groaning) 61 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,159 (Scoffs) Nice pass. 62 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:10,229 What a first-ballot hall-of-fame loser. 63 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,264 Announcer: But the ball is caught by the Americans' mascot, 64 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,732 flappy the flag! 65 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,501 Flappy running unopposed into the end zone 66 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:18,237 for a surely illegal touchdown. 67 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,139 Throwing to the mascot? 68 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:23,942 After further review, flappy the flag is listed 69 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,779 on the Americans' 53-man roster and reported eligible. 70 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,581 The result of the play is a touchdown. 71 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,649 (Crowd cheering) 72 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,850 Announcer: Once again, the Americans 73 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,085 found a way to win. 74 00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,786 (Chuckles) Oh, that'll put a smile 75 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,088 on coach bonderchuck's face. 76 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,790 (Crowd cheering) 77 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,792 (Cheering) Oh, not again! 78 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:43,195 They cheated! You cheated! 79 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,531 Did not. You got to cover the mascot. 80 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,366 Use your noggin. Play smart. 81 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,134 Flappy's on the roster. 82 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,003 (Chanting): On the roster! 83 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:54,506 On the roster! On the roster! 84 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,375 On the roster, my butt. 85 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,677 Once again, those Boston cheaters 86 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,679 think the rules don't apply to them. 87 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,981 And they're so smug about winning. 88 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,684 If I ever won anything, i wouldn't be smug about it. 89 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,853 I'd be class all the way, 90 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:11,056 like mark harmon-- pure American elegance. 91 00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:13,992 I tell ya, the next Boston fan I see, 92 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,327 I'm just gonna lose it. 93 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,029 Lose it so hard. 94 00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:18,397 And... what the... 95 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,166 What is... how could... 96 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,969 That hat! Your head! 97 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,137 That team. 98 00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:27,039 My son! 99 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,007 Hey, dad, caught the game last night. 100 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,375 Tough loss for your guys. 101 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,044 Guess we just wanted it more. 102 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:34,179 (Sarcastically): Oh, am I in the right house? 103 00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:35,881 Because no one in my house 104 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:40,652 would ever be caught dead wearing Boston Americans gear. 105 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,221 Dead! 106 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,488 I feel ya, homer. 107 00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,990 Sucks to be a loser. 108 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,359 Unlike the six-time mega-bowl champion 109 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:48,860 Boston Americans. 110 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,395 Mwah! (Smooches) 111 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,930 Ring, ring, ring. 112 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,165 (Frustrated grunts) 113 00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:54,399 Give me that hat. 114 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,269 (Growls) 115 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,238 (Grunting, snorting) 116 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,107 Olé! 117 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:06,445 (Sighs) Your father never could resist an "olé." 118 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,213 Eh, he'll run out of steam soon. 119 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,983 (Homer groaning) 120 00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:15,020 (Laughter) 121 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,255 Get in. 122 00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:18,123 (Milhouse and Nelson scream) 123 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,291 (Gulps) 124 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:21,059 Look around, son. 125 00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:22,728 This is your hometown. 126 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,864 And the Springfield atoms are your hometown team-- 127 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,100 since 2003, when we stole them 128 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,202 in the middle of the night from Portland. 129 00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:32,237 What kind of life can you have here 130 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,972 as a Boston fan? 131 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,107 See? 132 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,442 Why are you wearing that Boston hat? 133 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,411 This is atoms country, bro! 134 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:43,415 I would pluck out my own eyes if I did not have a call-back 135 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:46,685 for a web-only olive garden commercial. 136 00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,423 They're just trying to hat shame me. 137 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,726 Face it, dad, Boston is the Bart Simpson of cities. 138 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,728 All those awesome southies in the departed, 139 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,463 (chuckles) Those are my people. 140 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:01,967 People? The dog and the baby are your people. 141 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:05,103 (Sighs) It all goes back to the Boston tea party, 142 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,806 a prank so kick-ass it started a country. 143 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,007 (Tires screech) 144 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,942 Come on, pal, what do you say? 145 00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:14,313 Just lose the hat, for your old man. 146 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,550 Nope, I think I'll stick with the bad boys. 147 00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:23,989 Get it off before god sees. 148 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,925 (Whimpering) 149 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,160 (Groans): Oh! 150 00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:34,433 And the people from Boston are so obnoxious. 151 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:37,436 They think their stupid city has the best everything: 152 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,838 Bands, comedians, chowder, 153 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,708 their so-called cream pies, which are actually cakes. 154 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,309 And there's... Why don't you let me 155 00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,945 take your mind off your problems? 156 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,613 And what's with aerosmith? 157 00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,349 That's not how you spell "arrow." 158 00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:51,650 The... oh. 159 00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,353 (Both moaning) 160 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,587 (Confused grunting) 161 00:05:58,324 --> 00:05:59,691 (Whimpering) 162 00:06:03,996 --> 00:06:05,330 Do your job, homer. 163 00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:07,199 (Homer screams) 164 00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:09,668 Bart, you're my son. 165 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,570 There's no neck tattoo so crass, 166 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,139 no gender reassignment too ambiguous 167 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,574 that I would not love you. 168 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:18,643 Which is why I must show you the error of your ways, 169 00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:22,914 even if it means dragging this family all the way to hell. 170 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,585 A vacation to Boston? 171 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,920 No, not a vay-cation, 172 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,522 a hate-cation! 173 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,525 Where you experience the worst a place has to offer, 174 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,694 and then say, "told ya!" 175 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:39,231 Hate-watching, hate-voting and now a hate-cation? 176 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:42,000 Why can't everyone just enjoy things they like? 177 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,035 Because things you like don't fill you 178 00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,905 with delicious, delicious rage. 179 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,240 Hmm, I'm gonna love this trip. 180 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,175 I'm gonna love it right in your face. 181 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:53,044 That's it, build it up in your head. 182 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:56,014 High hopes just make the hate-cation stronger. 183 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,015 You're crazy. 184 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,017 Boston can't be that bad. 185 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:03,889 (Horns honking) 186 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:07,092 I've never loved hating anything so much! 187 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,060 Move your garbage car! 188 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:12,164 I got to get to the packy before the b's drop puck! 189 00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:14,266 Told ya! 190 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:25,277 See, boy? Notice how bostonians aren't exactly ugly, 191 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,612 but they're not sexy either. 192 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:31,116 Homer, your negative attitude is ruining this hate-cation. 193 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,151 So, what to hate first? 194 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,219 The freedom trail? 195 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,154 The touch tank at the new england aquarium? 196 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,589 Ooh, that could blow. 197 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,157 I want to go to southie. 198 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:42,594 That part of town has the towniest townies of any town. 199 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,963 (Scoffs) You think your bostonians are so great? 200 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,332 Watch as your beloved hooligans 201 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,935 tear your innocent father limb from limb 202 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,637 with just the slightest provocation. 203 00:07:54,106 --> 00:07:57,342 Listen up, you clam-gargling tea-tossers! 204 00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,579 Fenway is a terrible ballpark! 205 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,080 Dad, don't! 206 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,015 Out of my way, ladies. You're blocking my shot. 207 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:07,018 The seats at Fenway park are too narrow, 208 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,155 and many of them face center field! 209 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:14,493 It's not charming, it's a teardown! 210 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,694 (Boston accent): The bobbleheads! 211 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:16,928 They're tippin'! 212 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,597 (Boston accent): Kid, mind the cart! 213 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:19,998 The what? The cart! 214 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,967 The cot? 215 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,201 Cot! 216 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:27,038 (Grunting) 217 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,173 No, don't struggle! 218 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,041 It only makes them bobble harder. 219 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,143 They keep coming. Bobblehead Steven Wright, 220 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:35,981 bobblehead Aimee mann, bobblehead bell biv devoe! 221 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,983 The vibrations are killing him! 222 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,184 Don't worry, sweetheart, 223 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,652 I'm a doctor. 224 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,454 I'm also a doctor, kid. 225 00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,656 (Groaning) 226 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,958 Mm, so many doctors. 227 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,461 He's got a Pedro lodged in his airway. 228 00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:50,729 (Homer gasps) 229 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,163 He'll be fine, ma'am. 230 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:55,033 And because of our state's super-socialized health care, 231 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,203 no matter how much your husband abuses his body, 232 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,238 someone else will pay for it. 233 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,908 What a relief for women with hot-tempered, 234 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,876 accident-prone husbands. 235 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,912 Oh, yeah, we got a whole surgical center 236 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,915 for injuries from falling off icy roofs and gutters. 237 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,583 Both: Ooh. 238 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,355 While the doctors pull tiny bruins helmets out of your skin, 239 00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:20,258 Lisa and I are going to explore the hub on our own. 240 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,561 Remember, this is a hate-cation. 241 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,062 You better go someplace bad. 242 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,598 Isn't mayor quimby from somewhere around here? 243 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,269 (All muttering with thick accents) 244 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,074 People are so fit here. 245 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,177 Everyone looks like they're in a financial services ad. 246 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:42,681 Free sunscreen? So progressive. 247 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,716 Do you vaccinate your children? 248 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:45,850 Of course. 249 00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:48,720 But not stupid progressive. 250 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,623 (Low buzzing) What's that buzzing noise? 251 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:54,559 (Gasps) It's-it's nerds! 252 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:58,530 They've got every recognized species of nerd! 253 00:09:58,532 --> 00:09:59,931 A Jester-hatted ferret preener! 254 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,733 A wild west-afarian! 255 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,568 A magic: The gathering gathering! 256 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:04,869 Oculus rifters! 257 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:07,105 Yo-yo guys. Yo-yo girls! 258 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,407 A chain mail ping pong player. 259 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:10,709 (Giggles, squeals) 260 00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,611 So much education. 261 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,646 If they did a real housewiveshere, 262 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,748 it would be a total snooze. 263 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,883 Ah, it's like heaven for people 264 00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,952 who don't believe in heaven. 265 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,121 Homer: What the crap is this bs? 266 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,057 What? I thought you'd want to try candlepin bowling. 267 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,829 Hey, McCarthy, nice half-worcester. 268 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,664 Get bent, McDonald. 269 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,633 A lot of wood to work with out there. 270 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,134 (Sputters) Boston. 271 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,436 They even found a way to mess up bowling. 272 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:39,638 Just try it. 273 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,839 (Groans) 274 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,540 Eh, all right. 275 00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:46,011 (Grunts) 276 00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:50,081 None of the usual pain in my knees, back, 277 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,350 wrist, shoulder, neck, and chest. 278 00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:56,488 (Grunts) 279 00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:00,325 (Groans) One pin standing. 280 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,826 Story of my life. 281 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,328 Whoa there, pal. 282 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,363 Don't forget your third ball. 283 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,631 Hold on, wait. 284 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,166 Wait. Hold on. 285 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,234 Wait. 286 00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:11,503 What? 287 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,638 This is candlepin bowling. 288 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,939 You get three. 289 00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:17,208 Hmm? Hmm. 290 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,710 (Grunts) 291 00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:26,151 (Gasps) Three balls. 292 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:29,020 I see it all so clearly now. 293 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,889 What, dad? What is it? 294 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:33,692 This regional bowling with its one extra roll 295 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:37,495 has knocked my misguided hate into the gutter. 296 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:38,496 Mwah! 297 00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:41,166 I like Boston! 298 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,968 Dad, you and me are real father-son southies, now. 299 00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,904 Just like Ben and Casey affleck. 300 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:49,708 Son, show me everything this town has to offer. 301 00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,977 ("The man in me" by Bob Dylan playing) 302 00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,913 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪ 303 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,649 ♪ la la la la la la la la la 304 00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,017 ♪ ooh ♪ 305 00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,351 ♪ la la la la la 306 00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:01,586 ♪ la la la la 307 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,788 ♪ la la la la la la la 308 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,891 ♪ la la la la 309 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,327 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪ 310 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,262 ♪ la la la 311 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,298 ♪ ooh ♪ ♪ la la la la la la la la... 312 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,067 (Gulps) 313 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,602 You know, for a cake, 314 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:21,106 this Boston cream pie isn't so bad. 315 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,007 Look at them. So innocent. 316 00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,110 Not Bart, but go on. 317 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:28,279 I never dared dream about living somewhere 318 00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:31,516 that values education, with great health care, 319 00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,218 and everyone's outdoorsy 320 00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,385 but still pallid. 321 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:35,720 If it weren't crazy, 322 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,223 I'd say we should be raising our kids here. 323 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,191 But no. No, no. That's crazy! 324 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,026 Is it? 325 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:45,130 (Gasps) But I never thought you, of all people... 326 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:48,233 Honey, this could be the chance we never thought we'd get. 327 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:51,970 The chance to knock down all of life's pins. 328 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,973 Are you saying what I think you're saying? 329 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:59,644 I am. Fate is offering us a third ball. 330 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,313 Do you mean it? Are we going to move to Boston? 331 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:05,917 I knew I didn't pay this month's mortgage for a reason. 332 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,252 (Both sigh) 333 00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,319 (Kisses) 334 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:17,362 (st. elsewhere theme playing) 335 00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:24,068 We did it! We really did it! 336 00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,970 We made a life change. 337 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,174 I love these colonial quilts on the wall. 338 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,209 Now, I can take a nap standing up. 339 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:39,117 Check it out, kid. 340 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,752 This movie's my life now. 341 00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:45,089 You want to rob the Harvard Coop? 342 00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:47,125 Why don't we just break into fort Knox? 343 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,928 These snobs think mass ave. Belongs to them. 344 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,996 It's our ave. 345 00:13:57,102 --> 00:14:00,071 Whoa! I got to get one of those "x" necklaces to kiss. 346 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,375 This is all happening so fast. 347 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,010 Can we really afford to live in a city 348 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,213 with a symphony and a pops? 349 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,547 (Laughing): Don't worry, baby. 350 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:13,184 I have a line on a sweet safety inspector gig. 351 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,086 Very sweet. 352 00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:27,632 Homer: Can I get a test on batch six? 353 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,169 I'm finally living my dream 354 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,872 of never not being around batches of candy. 355 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,373 And unlike the nuclear plant, 356 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,843 if I screw up, no one gets hurt. 357 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:39,911 (Screaming) 358 00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,848 Are you sure we have to go to school here? 359 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,750 I sort of thought I'd go straight to running numbers 360 00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,051 for the Irish mob. 361 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,053 Our school is in the heart of what they once called 362 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,221 the combat zone. 363 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,023 The combat zone! Yes! 364 00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,358 Combat rules! 365 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,026 Bart: Charter what? 366 00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,128 Here's my classroom. 367 00:14:57,997 --> 00:15:00,565 The teacher is Doris kearns goodwin. 368 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:04,903 Today, we explore Lincoln's 1861 suspension of habeas corpus, 369 00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,739 using dried macaroni and pipe cleaners. 370 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,073 (Gasps excitedly) 371 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:12,343 Huh, now to get sent to detention. 372 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,512 That's where I'll meet my future bank-robbing crew. 373 00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,052 (All gasping) 374 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,087 Ha! How do you like them marbles? 375 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,723 Bart, we have a place for kids like you. 376 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:26,991 Bring it on. 377 00:15:28,727 --> 00:15:31,129 (Choir humming "I'm shipping up to Boston") 378 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,131 Bart: Kids singing? 379 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,199 (Humming continues) 380 00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:39,537 What the hell? 381 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:43,041 Like you, these kids are gifted with exceptional energy. 382 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,410 Which they've channeled into a cappella. 383 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,312 ♪ I'm shipping up to Boston 384 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:48,446 ♪ whoa! 385 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,647 (Softly): Departed. 386 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:50,982 These are the bad kids? 387 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,984 There's not a wahlberg in the bunch. 388 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,320 I've never felt more like I fit in. 389 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,922 People think Boston's all southies and hooligans. 390 00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:00,425 But it's really teachers, ph.D. Students, 391 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,627 doctors, innovators, philanthropists. 392 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,929 It's like living in a giant classroom. 393 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,831 And every day is a new test. 394 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,733 (Groaning) 395 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,301 (Thunder claps) 396 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,973 Theater? 397 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:17,175 Colleges? 398 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,210 Culture? 399 00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:22,947 Oh, pauly, 400 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:23,948 if you could have known that 401 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,750 Boston was gonna turn out so wussy, 402 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,986 you never would have warned anybody. 403 00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:31,589 Listen, my brother, and you shall see, 404 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,959 this is a town not for you, but for me. 405 00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:36,427 (Screaming) 406 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,430 Hey, but what about grampa? 407 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,432 He lives a thousand miles away. 408 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,600 Great point. 409 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,168 Nobody tell him where we went. 410 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,204 Bart, you haven't touched your clambake. 411 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,438 What's wrong? 412 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,708 This place is all p.C. Brainiacs and Subaru owners 413 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,176 wearing fleece vests. 414 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,112 It's nothing at all like the departed. 415 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,647 Oh, honey, I know it's a big change. 416 00:16:56,649 --> 00:17:00,351 But someday you'll understand that providing our family 417 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,786 with a better life... 418 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:04,022 Something I've never been able to do. 419 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,858 ...is the most important thing in the world. 420 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,027 We've been given a third ball. 421 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,295 Let's not throw it away. 422 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,498 (Groans) 423 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,899 Same to you. 424 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,068 No one likes feeling out of place. 425 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:19,237 That's how I felt back in Springfield. 426 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,572 But I sucked it up for eight years. 427 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,641 Now it's your turn. 428 00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:33,084 (Grunts) 429 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,152 (Gasps) 430 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:36,521 Yes! Finally. 431 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,190 A southie crew pulling a job. 432 00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,392 I finally took that spin class with Miranda. 433 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,361 I was sweatin' so friggin' hard. 434 00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:45,396 Hey, try this pressed juice, kid. 435 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,999 Ginger, cayenne... Wicked cleanse, pal. 436 00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:49,700 Come on. Donny, Tommy, 437 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,669 these solar laptops for rwandans 438 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,072 ain't gonna donate themselves. 439 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,975 It's time for me to ship out of Boston. 440 00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:00,912 What a gorgeous day. 441 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,680 I hope it never ends. 442 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,949 So don't I. 443 00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:08,052 You know, guys, I've picked out the perfect Boston activity 444 00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,720 to help celebrate our move. 445 00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,721 (Marching band playing) 446 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:11,756 Ooh, a parade. 447 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,324 Not just any parade. 448 00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,260 Homer: The Boston Americans? 449 00:18:17,896 --> 00:18:20,098 Crowd (Chanting): Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! 450 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,067 It's a state holiday because the league 451 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,902 overturned the coach's suspension 452 00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,205 for using magnets to affect the coin toss. 453 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,073 Pretty cool way to celebrate our new hometown. 454 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:30,575 Right, dad? 455 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:35,313 (Forced): As a bostonian, i definitely support my team. 456 00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:39,951 Hey, bonk! Can we get a picture? 457 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,053 Hell to the derrr, little bro! 458 00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:43,121 (Grunting) 459 00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:46,390 Come on, homer, put on the hat. 460 00:18:46,392 --> 00:18:49,260 I can support my hometown team without putting on a hat. 461 00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:52,130 Hats go on your head! 462 00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:55,032 If you're gonna live in Boston, you got to wear the hat. 463 00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:57,602 (Winces) 464 00:18:57,604 --> 00:18:58,803 Okay. 465 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,138 (Grunting, blowing) 466 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:06,077 You did this on purpose. 467 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:08,079 My future is at stake. 468 00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,181 So don't is mine. 469 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:13,317 (Struggling): Just... a... hat. 470 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,652 You can do it, homie. 471 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,120 Think of the candlepins. 472 00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:18,656 This is our extra ball! 473 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:22,160 A... better... life. 474 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,461 (Yells) 475 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,663 (All gasping) 476 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:29,467 (Quacking) 477 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,035 Derrr! 478 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,104 Stupid cheaters! 479 00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:34,205 You cheat, 480 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,340 you flip out when people say you cheat, 481 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,542 and everybody knows 482 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,111 you're nothing but a big bunch of cheaters! 483 00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:43,114 (Chuckling) 484 00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:44,882 You made us leave that lovely city 485 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,051 rather than just put on a stupid hat. 486 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,519 It wasn't even fitted. 487 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:51,222 (Sighs) I just couldn't wear the hat. 488 00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,990 Well, I'm still mad at you. 489 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,960 I never even got to experience one of those Boston winters 490 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,461 everyone raves about. 491 00:19:57,463 --> 00:20:00,031 Come on, baby, we could never escape our problems 492 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,732 by moving somewhere else. 493 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:05,036 Our problems are who we are, not where we are. 494 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,971 Well... maybe. 495 00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:09,073 The traffic was pretty annoying. 496 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:11,475 Not to mention the unspoken racism. 497 00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:14,145 It wasn't that unspoken. 498 00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:16,881 At least someone in this family 499 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,749 is happy about where they came from. 500 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,053 Oh, don't worry, Lisa. 501 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,021 You'll get back to Boston someday. 502 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,890 What are you talking about? 503 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,191 I never left. 504 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:29,493 I'm in Boston now. 505 00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,997 Welcome home, Lisa. 506 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,665 Class is about to start. 507 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,634 (Classical music playing) 508 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:38,669 Eh. 509 00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,913 Captioned by media access group at wgbh 510 00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:56,153 (choir humming "I'm shipping up to Boston") 511 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,442 ♪ I'm shipping up to Boston 512 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,244 ♪ shipping up, shipping up ♪ 513 00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:23,114 ♪ I'm shipping up to Boston 514 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,149 ♪ shipping up to Boston, whoa ♪ 515 00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:27,118 ♪ I'm shipping up to Boston 516 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,420 ♪ yeah ♪ 517 00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:31,122 ♪ shipping up to Boston 518 00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:32,123 ♪ whoa! ♪ 519 00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:33,324 Departed!