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FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well, it's
the first Saturday in September,
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00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:11,943
and that means one thing
in Springfield.
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00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,979
It's that time again.
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00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:16,114
Opening day of peewee football.
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(over P.A.):
And everybody's headed
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00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,851
down to Child Soldier Field
to catch all the action.
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It all comes down to this,
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00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,788
the first game of the year,
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00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:24,456
perfect season on the line.
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00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,958
And drunks are being rolled
off the field.
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00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,026
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,295
your Springfield Neutrinos!
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(crowd cheering)
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BART:
Huh?
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NELSON:
Where'd everybody go?
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BART:
I can't see.
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(gasps) They over-
fogged the run-in!
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They put those
kids in danger
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just to psych
up the crowd.
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Yeah, are you
psyched up now?
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Huh? Are you?!
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(players panicking,
helmets clonking)
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Concussions!
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00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:53,719
Concessions!
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(door dings)
Aah!
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(anxious chatter)
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My boy hit his head
doing football!
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I'm a doctor's wife.
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Save my boy first!
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My boy needs an MRI!
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(clamoring)
Ow!
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Ow!
Ow!
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Ow! Ow!
Oh!
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(theme music playing)
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With head injury concerns
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on the mind,
the town has shut down
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its peewee football program.
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Professor, what
danger does this
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concussion threat
truly pose?
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Uh, well, Kent,
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these children will
need their brains
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unbruised for the demanding,
high-tech jobs
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of the future:
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polishing and buffing
our robot masters.
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Indeed.
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And here to
defend youth football,
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we have... Nelson's dad.
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Are you wearing makeup?
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Is it worth the risk
to your son's health
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when only .1 percent
of youth football players
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make it to the pros?
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You saying my boy doesn't
have what it takes
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to play pro ball? Huh?
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Boy, show him your moves.
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Juke it, juke it!
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(grunting)
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Why are you dekeing it
when I said juke it?
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Take a lap!
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Without football, Kent,
(Nelson groans)
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how are kids gonna learn
character like I did,
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00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,416
you stupid fruit-munch?
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00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,885
And what is your problem,
smart-nuts?
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(grunts)
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00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,954
Which brings us
to this question:
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if not football,
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what sport is safe
for our children?
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But there are so many
club sports
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00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,964
that can eat up
all our free time.
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00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,099
What about baseball?
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(scoffs)
Baseball--
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rife with steroids!
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Then test for steroids!
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Oh and then there'll
be no home runs!
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(all arguing)
Um, I think
I-I may have a solution.
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Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,811
What about biathlon?
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That teaches kids to ski
and kill.
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How about Frisbee-golf?
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00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:31,216
If I could just
have your attention...
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00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,418
Hey, what about
Filipino tooth-fighting?
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It builds biting,
jaw strength and mouth work.
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The champion for a long time
was a dog.
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(groans) No one is
listening to me.
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Well, maybe no one
wants to hear
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your ridiculous idea.
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Let's go, we're late
for prenatal yoga.
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Milhouse is ten.
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Why are we still doing that?
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Poor Kirk.
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No one listens to him.
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Even Luann treats
him like garbage.
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(sighs)
Love's funny like that.
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Help him out.
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Make people listen
to his idea.
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Oh, why me?
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I only came to this concert
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because I was told
it was a potluck.
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(grunts)
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(groans)
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(arguing continues)
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Attention, smothering parents
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who only came
to hear themselves talk!
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You're an idiot!
(arguing quiets)
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This guy has as much
right to bore us
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as any of you!
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Take it away, buddy.
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(echoing):
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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"Buddy." Huh.
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Um, I've got an exciting sport
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that's great exercise
a-and teaches teamwork.
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Lacrosse.
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La-what?
What-cross?
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What-what?
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Lacrosse.
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It's the perfect combination of
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America's two
least watched sports:
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soccer and hockey.
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(murmuring excitedly)
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Any kid can learn
to play lacrosse.
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Even this.
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(parents gasping)
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This isn't a drive-in movie.
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(parents gasping)
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Everybody,
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feel free to whip stuff
at my son's face.
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(laughter
and indistinct chatter)
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Yarr.
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Now hold on there.
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Lacrosse has the second highest
concussion rate,
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right after football.
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(chanting):
Safer than football!
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Safer
than football!
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Hey, why don't we
have this fruit-munch
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teach our kids
this crazy sport?
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Me, coach your kids?
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Most of you won't even
make eye contact
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when I'm weighing your yogurt.
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I'll do it.
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If Homer will coach with me.
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Huh?
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00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,939
We've come too
far together
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on this crazy ride.
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It wouldn't feel right
to do it without you...
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buddy.
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(echoing):
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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Mm?
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Oh, fine,
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I'll coach with this guy.
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But I promise you this:
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I will never stop
complaining about it.
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(cheering)
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(grumbling):
Stupid sport I never heard of...
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00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:58,063
make me wake up early
on a Saturday...
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probably have to
slice oranges...
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Don't even know the rules
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because I refuse to learn 'em...
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my kids will probably suck
at it...
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And I'll have to kneel down
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00:05:05,772 --> 00:05:08,607
on photo day,
knees get all wet...
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despite my bad attitude,
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I'm thrilled by the
nonstop action...
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kids running towards me
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with a look of joy
I've never seen before...
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Dad, we won!
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It's okay, kids.
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What matters is
you tried your best.
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Have an orange slice.
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No, we won!
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Yes, we're all winners.
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Because losing
teaches valuable lessons.
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Have an orange slice.
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We did it, buddy.
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You and I make
a great team.
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We won for real!
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For the first time in our lives,
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we can say "Good game"
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and actually mean it.
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Good game!
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Uh, good game!
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Ha! That's loser talk!
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(cheering)
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(groaning)
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Wow, pizza really does
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00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,028
taste sweeter
after you win.
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(humming happily)
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Dude.
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My kids have never
won at anything.
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All the girl
does is read
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and the boy's
got one of those
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paying attention diseases
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that isn't really
a disease.
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Awesome job, guys!
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How do you know so
much about lacrosse?
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Wait. You want to know about me?
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(disinterested
mumbling)
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Well, it all goes back
to my college days,
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00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:28,887
where I was the star attackman
on our lacrosse team.
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(crowd cheering)
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(marching band playing)
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I'd even been drafted to play
in the pros
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00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,129
for the Milwaukee Zoom.
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00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,699
After scoring the
championship-winning goal,
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I was on top of the world, man.
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I was high-fiving everybody.
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For the first time in my life,
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no one, and I mean no one,
was leaving me hanging.
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I was slap-happy,
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00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,410
I couldn't stop myself,
until...
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00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,514
I highed one five too far.
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(metallic clank)
(wrist shattering)
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00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:02,554
Our school mascot,
Sir Gudge-a-lot.
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00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:04,889
(retching)
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00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,926
My Zoom dream died that day.
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00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,394
Mm...
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00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,462
(grunts angrily)
216
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,732
Uh... Ah...
217
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:14,733
(metallic clicking)
218
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:17,535
My wrist healed,
but my wrist in here...
219
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:18,903
never did.
220
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:21,773
I've never high-fived
my own son.
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00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,908
The mascot wore
a suit of armor?
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Just like a knight!
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00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,679
Yeah, but now lacrosse
has brought us together.
224
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,914
Hey, a toast
to new friendship!
225
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:32,717
Could I get a roll of
toilet paper, please?
226
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:35,153
I get nosebleeds
when I drink.
227
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,123
To... new...
228
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,791
friendship.
229
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,427
Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
230
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:43,795
(Homer snoring)
231
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,397
Dad! Dad!
Dad! Dad!
232
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,732
Dad, wake up!
Wake up! Wake up!
233
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,501
(moaning groggily)
234
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,106
Oof!
235
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,408
(Maggie coos)
236
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,577
It's 6:00 a.m.
on a Saturday.
237
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,946
We have a weekend
lacrosse tournament!
238
00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:03,481
(horn honking outside)
There's Coach K!
239
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,549
Come on, come on, come on!
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00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:08,820
(Bart and Lisa grunting)
241
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:09,821
(Lisa chuckles)
242
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,589
(both breathing rapidly)
243
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:13,291
LISA:
Come on, Dad!
244
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:14,759
(grunts, gasps)
245
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:18,429
Check out the travel van, brah!
(chuckles)
246
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,098
Two days, ten games,
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00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,301
700 miles and
one sweet mixtape.
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00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,804
I hope you like
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy,
249
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:28,439
'cause this van's
about to swing.
250
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:32,610
♪ So I think about
my next drink ♪
251
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:33,812
♪ And it's you and me ♪
252
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,113
♪ And the bottle makes three
tonight ♪
253
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,281
Uh...
254
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,782
I'm pretty sure a mixtape
255
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,184
isn't just the same song
256
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,785
over and over again.
257
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,655
No, no, dude, they're
different live versions.
258
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:46,624
You can tell because
some are longer.
259
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,827
(music stops)
Hey, you want a hit
off my vape pen?
260
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,361
It tastes like passionfruit
261
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,297
and people think
you're a smoker.
262
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,765
Why would I want that?
263
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,033
(chuckling):
Don't worry,
264
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,467
Marge isn't here.
265
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,802
Oh, speaking of which,
266
00:08:57,804 --> 00:08:59,804
where is the
craziest place
267
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,539
you two have
ever done it?
268
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,842
What?
Let's both say it
at the same time.
269
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,009
One... two...
270
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,811
Don't!
Chipotle!
271
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,546
There are kids back there!
272
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,148
Oh, they can't hear us.
273
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:13,117
I got 'em watching
classic lacrosse matches.
274
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,352
(crowd cheering)
275
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:15,987
Textbook ankle-breaker
276
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,021
by Gary Gait!
277
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,958
And Paul Gait
with the dip and dunk!
278
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,860
Everyone be sure to fuel up
279
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,561
with a rice sandwich.
280
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,467
Mmm.
Mmm.
281
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,202
HOMER:
Rice in a sandwich?
282
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,637
That's mush-on-mush.
283
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,373
Doesn't this dweeb know
kids need bologna to win?
284
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:38,309
Those sandwiches
had so many carbs!
285
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,844
I've never played harder!
286
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,479
Rice power!
287
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:43,014
(grunts)
288
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,183
Uter, watch those
alligator arms!
289
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,551
Hug the pipe, Sherri!
290
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,887
Milhouse,
gobble and goose!
291
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,224
(cheering)
292
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:56,628
Bart Simpson with
the Canadian egg roll!
293
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,235
We won every game.
294
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:07,438
Kirk is like a sports genius
who everyone hates.
295
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,107
Worse than Jim Harbaugh?
296
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,942
Well, not that bad.
297
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,444
I know Kirk's
a bit of a dizzy duck,
298
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,247
but remember,
you're doing this for the kids.
299
00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:17,548
Right, right. The kids.
300
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:18,917
Everything for the kids.
301
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,218
(gasps)
Oh, God, he's coming!
302
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,319
Hide, Marge.
303
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:24,923
Oh, good call, buddy.
304
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,090
Disco nap.
305
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,759
We got to power up
for tonight. (chuckles)
306
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:28,927
Tonight?
307
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,229
Which gentlemen's club
should we hit first,
308
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,765
Skin City or
the Tassel Castle?
309
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:34,899
Gentlemen's...
310
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,134
you mean a strip club?
311
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,436
Yeah, Wiggles has
great dancers,
312
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,071
but they're
kind of stuck up,
313
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,774
if you believe
Lap-Aficionado.com.
314
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,442
Which, uh--
(chuckles) I do.
315
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,444
Why would I want to go
to a strip club?
316
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,279
I'm married to a naked lady.
317
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,783
Drive time to Sapphire Diamond
is only 39 minutes.
318
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:54,085
That's the fastest
it's been all day.
319
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,653
Hey, wa-- 38 minutes!
320
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,089
Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot
of kind of guys--
321
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,590
a booze guy,
322
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,626
a don't-know-my-kids'-
birthdays guy,
323
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,995
a steal-the-blow-dryer-
from-the-motel guy,
324
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,931
but I am not a strip club guy.
325
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,767
You do want to hang with me,
don't you, buddy?
326
00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:10,768
(groans softly)
327
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:12,170
I can't do it.
328
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,938
I can't pretend to be
this guy's friend
329
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,273
for one more second.
330
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,608
I scored three goals today!
331
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,011
I'm a jock.
A jock!
332
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,680
I didn't spit on my hand
for the post-game handshake.
333
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,649
Hey, pal,
I don't like Kirk, either,
334
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:28,286
but look how much fun
the kids' heads are having.
335
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,021
(sighs)
336
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,590
Of course I want to
hang with you, buddy.
337
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:35,593
But, you know, I'm pretty tired
from all those YouTube videos
338
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,762
you showed me
about whiskey making.
339
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:39,530
It gets its color
from the barrel.
340
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,299
I know, the barrel.
341
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,201
Let's just get some sleep.
342
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,303
Well, all right.
343
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,706
Next time we can just rage
twice as hard, I guess.
344
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,010
(click, then loud heartbeat)
345
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,478
What the hell is that?
346
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,481
I can't sleep without
my white noise machine.
347
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,549
Womb setting.
348
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,821
(heartbeat continues)
349
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:08,126
♪ So I think about
my next drink ♪
350
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:11,629
♪ And it's you and me and
the bottle makes three tonight ♪
351
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,032
♪ Yeah! ♪
352
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,233
♪ ♪
353
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,367
(tires screech, music stops)
354
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,036
Mom, we swept the tourney!
355
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,537
We're playing
in the championship
356
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:22,340
against Capital City!
357
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:23,474
(tires peel out)
358
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,509
Mwah!
359
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,144
How does it feel to
be the assistant coach
360
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,845
of a winning team?
361
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:30,415
I'm going for a walk.
362
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,316
(groans)
363
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,853
Oh, honey,
I'm so proud of you.
364
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:37,321
Well, you know what they say,
365
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,090
behind every successful man
366
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,393
is his assistant coach.
367
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:45,263
♪ How can a wife understand ♪
368
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,899
♪ What it feels like to
finally meet a man? ♪
369
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:51,369
♪ The strongest bond
a dude could ever know ♪
370
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,071
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
371
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,606
♪ A guy to catch a game with ♪
372
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,409
♪ A pal you don't feel
lame with ♪
373
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,713
♪ Life began the day
I found my bro ♪
374
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:06,050
♪ I'm just a normal boozer ♪
375
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:08,586
♪ Stuck with this lame loser ♪
376
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:12,090
♪ A dweeb that somehow thinks
that I'm his bro ♪
377
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,591
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
378
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,427
♪ His eyes are small and beady ♪
379
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,629
♪ Staring, oh, so needy ♪
380
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:24,268
♪ How I despise him
he will never know ♪
381
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,472
♪ So much cool stuff
we can do as a pair ♪
382
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,440
♪ Everything about him
is annoying ♪
383
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:32,410
♪ Dress as minstrels
at the renaissance fair ♪
384
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,445
♪ He smells like
fish oil pills ♪
385
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,482
♪ Foosball Fridays
in my man cave ♪
386
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,450
♪ That waitress
was not into you ♪
387
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:42,153
♪ Designing the world's best ♪
388
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,288
♪ Blues Brothers fan page ♪
389
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:46,757
♪ He wants us to co-host an
Oscar party, what the hell? ♪
390
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,760
♪ I hate everything about him ♪
391
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:52,263
♪ This clingy fat-nosed jerk ♪
392
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:53,931
♪ I'm glad he can't ♪
♪ Wish he could ♪
393
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,600
BOTH:
♪ Hear me sing ♪
394
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,135
♪ About this sweaty ♪
395
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,436
♪ Awesome ♪
♪ Fish oil ♪
396
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,770
♪ Awesome ♪
♪ I was only pretending ♪
397
00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:03,941
♪ To like that
stupid dork named... ♪
398
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,444
Oh, hi, Kirk.
399
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:10,114
(grunts)
400
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:11,849
(sad sigh)
401
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,288
FOLKSY ANNOUNCER:
Springfield, the city
402
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,924
that lives and dies
by youth lacrosse,
403
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:22,326
a sport we first learned
about five weeks ago.
404
00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:24,328
And with just two hours
left until face off
405
00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:26,164
against Capital City,
the countdown clock
406
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,798
is ticking away.
407
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,035
As always, laying out all the
information you need to know,
408
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,504
this is WXPO "The Pipe."
409
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:37,475
(cheering)
410
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,378
And now the man responsible
for this miracle on grass,
411
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,880
the "Priest of the Crease,"
"The Riceman Cometh,"
412
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,382
Coach K!
413
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,653
(confused noises)
414
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,354
Hmm, it's not like Kirk
415
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:52,857
to miss such an
important pre-game rally.
416
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,693
Yeah, well, better get slicing
on these oranges.
417
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,195
Where is that coach?
418
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,829
If we lose this game,
419
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,698
I have to give
the mayor of Capital City
420
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,201
a crate of Springfield apricots.
421
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,369
We grow no apricots!
422
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,537
Kirk is missing.
423
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,172
I haven't seen him
since he left home
424
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:10,575
happily singing about
his friendship with you.
425
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,143
(humming nervously)
426
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,145
Dad, what do you know?
427
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,379
What?
Nothing!
428
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:18,416
I don't-- oh, oh...
429
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,684
All right.
430
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:23,187
The truth is your husband
and your father
431
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:25,323
is a soul-sucking loser
who found out
432
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:29,060
I was only pretending to be his
friend for the sake of the team.
433
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,762
But, but why did he empty out
our bank account,
434
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,698
and all in one-dollar bills?
435
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:34,932
Oh, no.
436
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,934
There's only one thing
a man like Kirk wants
437
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,569
with that many singles.
438
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:40,705
To hand out to the poor?
439
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:41,706
Worse.
440
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,608
To bring to a strip club.
441
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:45,576
I'll go get him.
442
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,612
I'll also get him.
No, me! Me!
443
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,946
I just need to go home
and put on
444
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,715
my special sweat pants.
445
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,918
No, it's my husband's fault
that Kirk has run off
446
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,388
to that jiggle joint
and only he can get him out.
447
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,422
Me?
448
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,925
But those places are
filled with creeps.
449
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:03,094
Plus, all the
chairs face the stage.
450
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,562
What if I want to
have a conversation
451
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:05,963
with another patron?
452
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,598
Come on, Dad,
you've got to do it!
453
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,101
Without Coach K, we can't
play in the championship!
454
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,069
Look at the countdown clock.
455
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:14,305
ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock
brought to you by Ray's Steaks:
456
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,440
When you want to
raise some stakes,
457
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:18,476
head over to Ray's... Steaks.
458
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,946
(chanting):
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
459
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,115
Save Coach K!
460
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:27,285
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
461
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,287
As your wife, I'm begging you,
462
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:33,457
if you ever loved me,
go to that strip club.
463
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,959
♪ ♪
464
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:38,195
(cheering)
465
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,100
(dog howls)
466
00:16:43,102 --> 00:16:45,102
(groans)
467
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:47,171
♪ ♪
468
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,513
HOMER:
Oh, guys.
469
00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:59,283
(tires screech)
470
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:00,518
(groans)
471
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,520
(rock music playing inside)
472
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,455
(angry groan)
Okay.
473
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:07,024
All I got to do is go in,
get the pervert,
474
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,427
and bring him back
to a park full of children.
475
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,162
Hey, I'm looking for my friend.
476
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:14,165
Bald middle-aged guy,
sad paunch, given up on life.
477
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,666
It's 10:00 in the morning.
478
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:16,867
Take your pick.
479
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,035
(depressed groaning)
480
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,104
Oh, boy.
Oh, man.
481
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,140
(worried moan)
WOMAN:
Hello.
482
00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:25,543
Uh, no, thank you.
Hey there, big guy.
483
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,811
No, thank you.
484
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,547
Happily married man
with no cash coming through.
485
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,115
(panting)
486
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:32,149
Made it.
487
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,051
Nothing in this place
can tempt me.
488
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,953
(moans)
489
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,355
Oh, baby, yes.
490
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,657
Those legs go on forever.
491
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,359
(moans)
492
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,027
Where are they?
493
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,363
Maybe we shouldn't
have sent Homer Simpson
494
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:46,530
into that den of sin.
495
00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:47,531
(Marge groans, Ms. Hoover gasps)
496
00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:49,400
My husband's a good man.
497
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,801
He can do this.
498
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,002
(chewing sounds)
499
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:54,672
Oh, worst food I've ever had.
500
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,040
So much...
501
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:58,042
Is that guy still
in the champagne room?
502
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,844
He hasn't slept in days.
503
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,646
He brought a cooler
of rice sandwiches.
504
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,515
He says they give him energy.
505
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:08,185
Wait, who do I know
that likes rice sandwiches?
506
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:12,490
(gasps)
Bart's friend's dad!
507
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,392
So anyway, they
can't call it bourbon
508
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,227
unless it's from Kentucky.
509
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,730
It's the American bourbon...
He's not a loser
paying for lap dances;
510
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:22,533
he's a loser
paying for listening.
511
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,535
Kirk, we've got to go.
512
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,604
The big game is
about to start.
513
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,572
Come on... buddy?
514
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:31,041
Oh, now I'm your
buddy again, huh?
515
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,910
Well, guess what, buddy.
516
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:36,247
Carmeleena and Bodacious
are my true friends.
517
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,949
Nothing, nothing
that we had was real.
518
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,118
Well, it was all fake.
519
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,221
But, damn it, somehow you turned
our fat, lazy, loser kids
520
00:18:44,223 --> 00:18:45,556
into winners.
521
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,125
Kirk Van Houten,
I don't like you.
522
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,928
But I respect you.
523
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,096
Respect?
524
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,597
That's the one thing
you can't buy
525
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:55,433
in a place like this.
526
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:56,600
(loud peeling)
527
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,470
I've got to get to that game!
528
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,573
Hey, that's a great realization
you had there, pally.
529
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,408
Now if we could just settle
this up, eh?
530
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:06,444
$15,000?
531
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:10,748
12 lap-dances an hour, times
three girls, times 56 hours,
532
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,317
pole tax,
glitter recycling fee.
533
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,785
It's quite a ride.
534
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:15,786
(grunts)
535
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,121
(men coughing, Kirk yells)
Run!
536
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,190
♪ ♪
537
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:22,126
(nervously groaning)
538
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:23,961
(yells)
DJs!
539
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:24,929
Uh-oh,
540
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,330
Japanese businessmen!
541
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:30,167
ATM with giant service fee!
542
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,437
Aw, we'll never
make it to the game.
543
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:36,607
Our kids were depending on
us and we let them down.
544
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,809
You let them down. You.
545
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,277
Did you say kids?
546
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:41,979
We all have kids.
547
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,948
We'd do anything for 'em.
548
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,783
(babies cooing,
nursery music plays)
549
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,954
Come on, working moms, let's
get these dads to that game.
550
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:51,856
I'm sorry, kids, but
your coaches aren't here.
551
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,190
You're going to have to forfeit.
552
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,360
And now to blow this
whistle and make it official.
553
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,662
(gust of wind,
helicopter blades spinning)
554
00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:00,164
It's the Strip-a-copter!
555
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:03,100
I mean, it's a helicopter
I've never rented before.
556
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,938
Helmet up, kids.
557
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,808
Let's win ourselves
a championship.
558
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,978
Who wants orange slices?
559
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,379
(cheering)
560
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,047
ALL:
Yay!
561
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:21,652
No matter how bad our kids screw
up the rest of their lives,
562
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,988
they'll always have this moment.
563
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,490
Buddy, you deserve this.
564
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:27,658
(exclaims quietly)
565
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,193
(bones cracking,
Homer and Kirk scream)
566
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,895
Just because we're in traction
567
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,697
doesn't mean this
hospital room can't swing.
568
00:20:33,699 --> 00:20:38,068
♪ So I think about
my next drink ♪
569
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,504
♪ And it's you and me and
the bottle makes three tonight ♪
570
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:41,639
(muffled groaning)
571
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:43,207
♪ Yeah! ♪
572
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:46,877
♪ What do you mean
it's last call? ♪
573
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,355
Hey, guys, I know all you
"Crushin' It" fans
574
00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:01,425
are super pumped
for my latest Crush video.
575
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,561
Sorry, no contest winner
this week.
576
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:05,229
Remember, to qualify,
577
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:08,232
you have to be a subscriber
and leave a comment.
578
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:11,101
Now, the secret
to the ultimate rice sammy
579
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:14,905
is to make sure the rice is
really wet, li-like soaking.
580
00:21:14,907 --> 00:21:15,906
(high-pitched scrubbing)
581
00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:17,441
(chews and slurps)
582
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,576
(high-pitched scrubbing)
583
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:21,545
So after going in
to find it a third time,
584
00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:24,782
they just decided to leave the
colonoscopy camera inside...
585
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:25,783
(high-pitched scrubbing)
586
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,084
Five words:
587
00:21:27,086 --> 00:21:29,887
jet fuel can't melt steel.
588
00:21:29,889 --> 00:21:30,888
(high-pitched scrubbing)
589
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,222
When I held the door
for that guy
590
00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:34,925
and he didn't even say
thank you, I just lost it!
591
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,093
(high-pitched scrubbing)
592
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:39,463
Oh, man, Milwaukee
would've been so sweet.
593
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,799
The Zoom were the kings
of that town!
594
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:42,866
(high-pitched scrubbing)
595
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:49,340
Shh!
596
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:55,179
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH