1 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,538 (men screaming) 2 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,810 (exclaiming) 3 00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:18,483 (school bell ringing) 4 00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,487 (grunts) Hey! 5 00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:25,724 (theme music stops) 6 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:26,725 (theme music resumes) 7 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:27,726 (whistle blows) 8 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:28,727 (yells) 9 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,729 (choking) (theme music stops) 10 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:31,897 (body thuds) 11 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:32,898 (theme music resumes) 12 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,934 (playing the blues) 13 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,607 (blows wrong note, grunts) (theme music stops) 14 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:44,276 (theme songs resumes, tires screech) 15 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:47,012 (Marge screams) 16 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:50,515 (chicken clucking) 17 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,021 (theme music stops) 18 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,430 ♪ ♪ 19 00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:07,866 Hello? Hello? 20 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,438 Oh, finally, I get the remote. 21 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,507 ♪ ♪ 22 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,947 Hmm. Hmm? 23 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:25,384 Homer, are you ever planning on putting this stuff together? 24 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:29,721 Sure, right after I watch this DVD. 25 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,290 (clicks tongue, groans) Just what are you watching 26 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,824 that's so important? 27 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:35,294 Outstanding College Mascot Fights? 28 00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,095 S.E.C. edition. 29 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,131 (marching band music plays) 30 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,165 (blows landing) 31 00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,267 The top-heavy mascots always lose. 32 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,236 Unless they're fighting something with no arms. 33 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,271 See? The Stanford Tree 34 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,241 is no match for the Tulane Green Wave. 35 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,309 (gasps) 36 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,443 There's people inside. 37 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,778 Marge, do you see? 38 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:55,280 (gasps) Maggie! 39 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,448 That's it, mister. 40 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,317 You're putting everything together today. 41 00:01:58,319 --> 00:01:59,318 Marjorie, 42 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,619 isn't it a little sexist 43 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,422 to expect me to do all the carpentry? 44 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:06,258 Or you can take Bart to the mall to get fitted for... 45 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,493 (power drill running) Sorry, the drill is too loud! 46 00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:10,595 I can't hear the options! 47 00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:11,763 (groans) 48 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:16,001 (grunting softly) 49 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,470 (phonetically): "Vous avez 'termine'"? 50 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,138 "Vous avez 'termine'"? 51 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,306 "Du ar klar"? 52 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,008 "Du bist fertig"? 53 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,544 "You are 'fini-shed'"? 54 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,945 Oh, I am finished! 55 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:27,946 Whoo-hoo! 56 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,681 (grunting) 57 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:30,682 D'oh! 58 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:31,950 I'm trapped. 59 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:34,353 (worried grunting) 60 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,787 (high-pitched): Here, boy. Come here. 61 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,823 Who's a good Allen wrench? 62 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,324 You's a good Allen wrench. 63 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:40,325 Come here. 64 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,394 (sucking in) 65 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,062 Come on. 66 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:47,065 (choking) 67 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,367 (loud cough) 68 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,136 Huh? That isn't the same Allen wrench I swallowed. 69 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,904 (grunting angrily) 70 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,006 (line rings) 71 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,975 Hey, Barney, how's it going? 72 00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,543 Fine. How are you? 73 00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:02,547 I need help. Can you come right over? 74 00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:05,650 Homer, you should use the Choremonkey app. 75 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:07,185 People do all your chores, 76 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,588 so you're free to follow your dreams. 77 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:14,025 My dream right now is beer and toilet paper. 78 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:17,229 Mr. Gumble, because I'm a decent person, 79 00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,431 this is the last beer I'm going to bring you. 80 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,199 I'll just use Uburp. 81 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,267 (belch sound) 82 00:03:22,269 --> 00:03:23,668 (cat yowling) 83 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:26,505 Stop eating me, I'm not dead yet! 84 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,039 (cat yowling loudly) 85 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,609 Choremonkey to the rescue. 86 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,843 Oh! 87 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,578 Oh, thank you. 88 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:37,182 I think this is the beginning of an unhealthy dependence. 89 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,216 Aw. 90 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,451 (Steely Dan's "Dirty Work" playing) 91 00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:43,088 HOMER: ♪ I'm a fool to do my dirty work ♪ 92 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,290 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 93 00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:49,594 ♪ I can hire all these nerdy jerks ♪ 94 00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:50,962 ♪ For free ♪ 95 00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,031 ♪ ♪ 96 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,302 (music fades out) 97 00:03:57,304 --> 00:04:01,072 ♪ I ain't gonna do my dirty work ♪ 98 00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,275 ♪ No more ♪ 99 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:06,812 ♪ Gonna leave my socks and dirty shirt ♪ 100 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,613 ♪ On the floor. ♪ 101 00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:09,614 Homie, 102 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:10,949 I don't like that the house 103 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,118 is full of strangers all the time. 104 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,620 And I-- wait, wait, why are you taking out your phone? 105 00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:16,621 (gasps) 106 00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:19,224 No. Don't you Choremonkey me! 107 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,793 Sweetie, you know I'm no good at arguments, 108 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,628 so I brought in a professional. 109 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,130 Hello, ma'am, my name's Blake, 110 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,732 and I'm a retired FBI hostage negotiator. 111 00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:30,735 I wouldn't say this is a hostage situation. 112 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:31,903 Mm, no one said it was, ma'am. 113 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,405 I'm just here to listen. 114 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,106 So that was step one: listening. 115 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,274 Next, empathy. 116 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,276 I'm standing right here, you know. 117 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:41,012 Mm, it must be frustrating for you to hear me talk 118 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,347 like you're invisible. 119 00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:44,850 It is. It is. 120 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,618 Step three: I build a rapport. 121 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,454 You know, I love the color scheme in your home. 122 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,624 I feel like you're saying that just to build a rapport with me. 123 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,693 Wow, that's very observant. 124 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:55,994 Very wise. 125 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,762 Oh, well, thank you. 126 00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:58,797 (softly): Nice. 127 00:04:58,799 --> 00:04:59,965 This ain't my first rodeo. 128 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,099 Marge, right now 129 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,335 I bet you wish you were just back home 130 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,336 in your kitchen. 131 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,271 I am back home in my kitchen! 132 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,639 Then life is good. 133 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,640 Am I right? 134 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,975 Mm-hmm. You are. 135 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,444 While I'm here, could I also fix your icemaker? 136 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,445 Yes. 137 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,946 Oh, yes. 138 00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,615 Blake, I adore you. 139 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,016 Shh. It's over now. 140 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,718 Go get some rest. 141 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,319 Hmm. 142 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,622 Homer, can we throw the ball around? 143 00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,657 Oh, um... 144 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,993 By "we," I mean me and your chore monkey. 145 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,562 (chuckling): Oh, of course! Sure, buddy. 146 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,497 For you I'll get one without a criminal record. 147 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,799 Which means I'll have to use Choremonkey Gold. 148 00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,034 (cash register dings) 149 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,471 Good one, Bart. (grunts) 150 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:42,374 Wait, are you Heisman Trophy-winner Matt Leinart? 151 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:43,642 Yep, I am. 152 00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,043 And you need this job? 153 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,013 Yeah, I haven't really been smart with my money 154 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,414 after football. 155 00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:51,082 (air hisses) 156 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,318 But what about your broadcasting work? 157 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,688 Uh, sunk it all into my Thai-Irish fusion restaurant, 158 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,156 Shamrock Spice. 159 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,561 (backup sensor beeping) 160 00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,996 On the plus side, he taught me how to throw a perfect spiral. 161 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,097 (grunts) 162 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,265 Yes! 163 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,733 Frozen rope, kiddo! 164 00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,502 Aw, love you, man. 165 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,270 Ah, I love you. 166 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:15,106 Maybe I should play a little catch with my son now. 167 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,375 Whatever, Hoss, let's see what you got. 168 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,510 (grunts) 169 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:19,778 FLANDERS: My zinnias! 170 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,079 (scoffs) Annuals. 171 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,514 Wait, please, just let me try again. 172 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,448 (groans) 173 00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:24,849 (coughs) 174 00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:27,185 Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of Matt Leinart. 175 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,787 But... Wow. 176 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,021 You made that for me? 177 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,790 No, it used to be O.J.'s. 178 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,024 Yeah, Little Juice. 179 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,093 (groans) Oh, stupid Choremonkey. 180 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,896 Another thing I overdo bites me in the butt. 181 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,898 (Leinart and Bart grunting) 182 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,567 (Homer moaning and whining) 183 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,402 HOMER: Uh-oh. 184 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,071 You're late. 185 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,039 There's no specified time, sir. 186 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,108 And you did receive progress alerts. 187 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:50,976 Whatever, fine. 188 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,444 Just throw the damn ball. 189 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,214 So, how was your day? Pretty good. 190 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:59,584 I've thrown various balls with six different middle-aged men. 191 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,653 All right, stop talking, you're ruining it. 192 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,455 (grunts) Nice pass, sir. 193 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:04,923 For someone your age. 194 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,491 Ju-- This isn't fun at all. 195 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:07,759 I'm done. Fine. 196 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:11,129 You know the monkeys also rate the customers. 197 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,765 Now everyone will know what kind of man you are. 198 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,300 Good-bye, Tyler. 199 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,768 Jerk. 200 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,970 "Jerk." Bart used to call me that. 201 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,372 (sobbing) 202 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:26,978 Be careful, Dad. 203 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,247 Being careful is not going to get us 204 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,282 on America's Funniest Home Videos. 205 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,419 Now, when I nod, you pull the bottom brick out 206 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,154 and the wall falls on me. 207 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,123 Then call Vin Di Bona Productions, 208 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,591 then an ambulance. 209 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,127 Wait. Won't they know this video is fake? 210 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,496 Why would I be filming you making a wall? 211 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,331 Why didn't you bring these things up 212 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,632 at the production meeting? 213 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,167 Well, it's too late now! 214 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,969 Oh, great! 215 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,972 Dad, can I get you one of my children's Xanax? 216 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,342 What I need is that $10,000 prize. 217 00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,378 Not $5,000. I already spent that on bricks. 218 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,946 Now pull that rope. 219 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:04,449 If I pull the rope and it kills you, 220 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,317 I'll need a lot of therapy. 221 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,486 I'm not gonna die, son. 222 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,289 Uh, but if I do, can you play "Nobody Does It Better" 223 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,291 at my funeral on the recorder? 224 00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:15,126 I can't be a part of this. 225 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,662 Yeah, yeah, you're right. 226 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,230 Luann, help! 227 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:22,067 I'm in a hurry. 228 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,335 Well, at least I got it on video. 229 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,370 Delete. 230 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:28,139 (groaning): Ah, come on. 231 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,708 Haw-haw! 232 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:32,043 (knocking on door) 233 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:35,547 Dad, it's me. 234 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,084 What are you doing here? It's not pudding day. 235 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,420 (sighing): My son doesn't want to be with me anymore. 236 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:45,523 So you realize that's how you've treated me all these years 237 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,692 and you've come to apologize. 238 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,527 Look, Dad, I would visit more 239 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,097 if I hadn't put you in such a depressing place. 240 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:52,997 Whatever. 241 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,233 I've got a real problem here. 242 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,901 I'm gonna be a father again! 243 00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:58,870 My girlfriend's pregnant. 244 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,872 (gasps) That's insane! 245 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,875 I leave you alone for six months and this is what happens? 246 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,443 How did you even meet her? 247 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,912 Oh, this home just got the Internet 248 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:10,248 and everyone's using senior dating sites. 249 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,416 Gray Date, 250 00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,685 Friends with Social Security Benefits. 251 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,888 Everyone's making whoopee and hanky-panky. 252 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,256 A few are even having sex. 253 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,257 (whines) 254 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,526 WOMAN: You can't leave me. 255 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:24,095 We started a puzzle together. 256 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,964 My heart's bleeding. 257 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,265 Seriously. 258 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,868 Please call 911. 259 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,073 Abraham Simpson. 260 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,941 Are you skipping town on me? 261 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,310 No, no. I like you. 262 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,279 It's the baby I'm skipping town on. 263 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:42,881 You don't want our baby? 264 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:46,284 Before you judge me, look where my DNA leads. 265 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,786 I'm fine. 266 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,454 (grunting) 267 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:50,655 Hmm. 268 00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:52,323 I think he's sweet. 269 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,125 Would he like to play with my keys? 270 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:57,228 I am a normal person, and yes. 271 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,897 All right, I'll man up. 272 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,932 But remember, men of my generation 273 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,401 don't change a diaper, attend a birth, 274 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:06,404 or talk to the child before he's drafted. 275 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,640 I couldn't ask for more. 276 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,041 (rattling) 277 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:13,478 I thought you just rolled. 278 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,246 Those were my knees. (rattling) 279 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,581 Rent six dollars?! 280 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,117 You can't even buy a Monopoly set for that. 281 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,352 (chuckles) Great commentary, Bart. 282 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,420 Love you, man. 283 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,689 I love you. 284 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:25,657 Hi, I'm Matt. 285 00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:26,791 Milhouse. 286 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,126 I'm Bart's best friend. 287 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,995 Aw, sounds like someone wants an autograph. 288 00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:32,430 I do. 289 00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:33,665 Who are you? 290 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:34,833 I misspelled my name. 291 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,134 But that makes it worth more. 292 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,203 Come on, Leinart, get your head in the game. 293 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,004 Bart, I got a straight up swap. 294 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,973 How 'bout I give you Boardwalk and Park Place, 295 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,842 and you give me Ventnor? 296 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,043 That's crazy talk. 297 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,311 Oh, yeah? 298 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,313 What "History of Board Games" class did you take 299 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,948 when you were in college? 300 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,784 My friend, you have a deal. 301 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:55,987 You got Chance. 302 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,655 "Take a walk on the Boardwalk," 303 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,290 which I now own, and you're bankrupt 304 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,391 and I win. 305 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,527 Wow, you beat me at every game, 306 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:05,029 even Heisman Trophy Trivial Pursuit. 307 00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:06,965 Oh! Can I play Bart next? 308 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,300 I carry my own little top hat with me. 309 00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,301 Oh. 310 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,636 Is this guy bothering you, Bart? 311 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:12,837 I'll make sure he finds the door. 312 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,005 (gasps) 313 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,474 Could you throw me out in a perfect spiral? 314 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,977 I can walk you out in a straight line. 315 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:22,247 Wow! No one's gonna believe that at school. 316 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,182 (cackles) 317 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,750 Huh? 318 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:29,254 "Always let him win"? 319 00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,389 "Don't let him see this sheet"? 320 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,424 He called me the greatest receiver he'd ever thrown to. 321 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,593 Was that a lie, too? 322 00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,262 Get out there. 323 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,230 Hey, Mr. Simpson. 324 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,899 Hey, Milk Dud. 325 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,568 Uh, listen, I got to go change the oil in my car. 326 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,103 Don't you want to get a Choremonkey? 327 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,571 They cut me off. 328 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,907 I never dreamed when I gave 'em my credit card number 329 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,575 that they would charge me. 330 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:52,176 You could help me out if you want. 331 00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:54,045 I have an old shirt you could wear. 332 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,713 An old shirt! Wow! 333 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,516 My dad doesn't have any of those. 334 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,952 Wow. 335 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,788 Anyone ever tell you that you're excellent at gluing? 336 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,123 Um, no. 337 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:08,226 And your rubber cement boogers were very convincing. 338 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,261 Look, I know you're doing this because you have to. 339 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,763 How would you like it if the other team 340 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,097 had just let you win all the time? 341 00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:14,699 That would have been really great. 342 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:15,767 (phone buzzes) 343 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,435 Listen, I have another Choremonkey job. 344 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,770 I'll see you around. 345 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,104 (grunts) (shouting) 346 00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,272 (grunts) 347 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,775 Huh? Huh. Hmm. 348 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:27,612 Wait, I don't think a bouncer throws people into a bar. 349 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,280 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just bounce, all right? 350 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,782 I'll tell you which way. 351 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:31,950 LEINART: Get in there. 352 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,318 (sputters) Ralph. 353 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,820 Yay! I'm a touchdown. 354 00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:37,722 (Milhouse laughs) 355 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,123 Boop! (laughs) 356 00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,726 Look who's a greasy guy! (laughs) 357 00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:44,662 Now you're greasy, too! (laughs) 358 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:47,098 Look at you. (laughs) 359 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,666 Bloop, bloop. 360 00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,436 Well, hello, Tony Stark. 361 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,805 We've never had fun like that in my whole life. 362 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,975 Oh, look! The engine block pizza is almost done. 363 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,443 (sizzling) 364 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,111 (gasps) Engine block pizza? 365 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,846 Car food is our thing. 366 00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:03,181 Careful you don't burn your mouth. 367 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,849 Oh. He never warns me. 368 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,456 ANNOUNCER: Vijay Singh has chosen a seven iron 369 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,623 for his approach here 370 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,926 at the fifth on St Andrews. 371 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,260 (siren wails) 372 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,496 BART: My zombies have got you now. 373 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:20,631 (cackles) Mm. 374 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,633 What's the matter? Aren't you into the game? 375 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,268 Uh, yeah, yeah. 376 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,138 (dramatic music playing onscreen) 377 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,207 (groaning) (whirring) 378 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,311 Good luck with that zombie Bing Crosby! 379 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,779 B-B-Brains. 380 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,848 (shouting) 381 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,551 Eh, I won. Whoo-hoo. 382 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,286 Huh? Didn't seem like you were too excited 383 00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:43,821 when you sliced me in half. 384 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,556 It's just hard when you think you're gonna be slicing 385 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,326 the same boy in half all your life. 386 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,627 Uh-huh... 387 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,696 Well, I guess I'd better get to work. 388 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,766 On a Friday? 389 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:56,501 (humming) 390 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,169 Why are you wearing a fishing hat? 391 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,371 (gasps) Are you going fishing without me? 392 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:03,174 (whimpers) What is happening with us? 393 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,310 If you've got something to say, just say it. 394 00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:08,246 Unless it's boring. 395 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,081 Is there someone else? 396 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:13,584 Oh! Spare me your melodramata! 397 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,653 (huffing) 398 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,059 ♪ ♪ 399 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:25,163 (tires screech) 400 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,399 Marge, I can't have a baby. 401 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,436 Coordinating our sleep schedules will be a nightmare. 402 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:35,206 Plus, the only good relationship I ever had was with my hat. 403 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,442 Then the wind blew it away. 404 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,777 You didn't have a good relationship with your father? 405 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,112 Hmm. 406 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,114 (instrumental of "Turkey in the Straw" plays) 407 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,216 Come here, sweet pea, give me a burp. 408 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,451 Youse can do it. 409 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,419 (chortling) (burps) 410 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,688 Aah! Youse got milk on me! 411 00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:52,290 I'll murdalize ya! 412 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,926 (grunts) 413 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,461 (sizzles) 414 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,932 Oh... that was before 415 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:04,602 throwin' your baby into the sun was considered child abuse. 416 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:08,106 So you see, Simpson men just don't... 417 00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,774 Wait a minute! 418 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,742 (both laughing) 419 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:17,515 Now yank the hook out and throw him back because we're humane. 420 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,787 (growling) 421 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,423 I've never seen Homer and Bart so close. 422 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,993 Maybe I can finally be a good dad! 423 00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:30,294 That's not Bart. 424 00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,096 Don't ruin my epiphany! 425 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,831 ♪ ♪ 426 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:36,000 (sizzling) Hey, Mr. Van Houten. 427 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:38,836 Oh, hey, Bart. Milhouse isn't here. I know. 428 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,138 And I don't care. 429 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,940 Are you making envelope soup? 430 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,175 Envelope soup? 431 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,277 (chuckles) That'd be silly. 432 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,246 No, I'm stamp mining. 433 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,948 You steam off the stamp, color in the postmark, 434 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,584 and you just made half a dollar. Almost. 435 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,586 Want to try? 436 00:15:57,423 --> 00:15:59,924 Careful! That's a forever stamp! 437 00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,959 Could be worth a fortune some day. 438 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,194 Well done. 439 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,662 And look at me. 440 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,931 I'm hangin' out with Bart Simpson. 441 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,499 That's so cool. 442 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,002 I can't wait till Wendell sees us hangin' out. 443 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,370 Oh, hey. 444 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,774 Oh, I built it up too much. 445 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,109 (crickets chirping) 446 00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:20,211 ♪ What do you do with a drunken Homer? ♪ 447 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,113 ♪ Make him watch "Hunt for Red October" ♪ 448 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,981 ♪ Let him drive in a lunar rover ♪ 449 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,316 ♪ Tickle his nose with a... ♪ 450 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,617 Oh, hi, Marge. 451 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,453 Homer, why were you fishing with Milhouse? 452 00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:32,623 Because for once, I'm with a kid who respects me. 453 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,659 One who doesn't call me "Homer." 454 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,527 I didn't know that bothered you. 455 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,296 It does. A lot. 456 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,664 Oh, Homer. 457 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,465 Feels good when you say it. 458 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:42,900 Homer. 459 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,535 Ah... 460 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:46,671 Honey, maybe you should talk to Bart. 461 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,239 He's just behind that wall. 462 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,674 BART: Yeah, Homer! 463 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,142 Get your fat ass over here! 464 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,410 You see? You see?! 465 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,212 It's not bad enough he calls me "Homer." 466 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,747 He calls my buttocks "ass." 467 00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:59,250 Hmm. He probably learned that at school. 468 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,885 You bet your ass he did. 469 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:02,753 Maybe you and Lisa can talk to him. 470 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:05,523 Lisa and I aren't speaking right now. 471 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:08,259 I can't believe you threw away my Utne Readers! 472 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:12,430 MARGE: Oh, is that how you pronounce it? Aah! 473 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,766 (birds singing) 474 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:19,270 For most of my child's life, I'll be gone. 475 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,608 When you're cremated, you feel it! 476 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:25,343 Warn everyone! 477 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,311 Aah. 478 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,515 Oh, Abe, hi. 479 00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:33,084 I-I was about to call you. 480 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,086 I had an ultrasound today. But... 481 00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,954 ♪ ♪ 482 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,189 Does this mean...? 483 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,624 Yup, I'm the father. 484 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:42,026 And I thought she was just using me for a beard. 485 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,328 ♪ ♪ (gasps) 486 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:49,100 ♪ ♪ 487 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,901 I'm so sorry, Abe. 488 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,204 (sighs): Well, I just want to say... 489 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,539 Yes! I can't raise my left arm, 490 00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:57,541 much less a child! 491 00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:01,445 Yippee! Not having kids keeps you young! 492 00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:04,315 Oh, I knew you'd come back! 493 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:10,888 (clears throat) 494 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,590 Kirk. Homer. 495 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,425 Dad. Fat Ass. 496 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,327 That is not my name! 497 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,928 Mm, mm, mm! 498 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,630 Let's roll. 499 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,669 Can't let 'em catch us. 500 00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,474 ♪ ♪ 501 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,014 I can't take the pressure! 502 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,451 (gasps) (tires screech) 503 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,786 Son, I'm so sorry! 504 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,788 I'm getting rid of this stupid stop sign 505 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,057 before it hurts somebody else! 506 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,159 (grunts) 507 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,028 (tires screeching, horns honking) 508 00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,630 I'm sorry, too, Dad. 509 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,265 (gasps) You called me Dad! 510 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,033 There's a first time for everything. 511 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,668 Also, a last. 512 00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,971 Milhouse, I'd be lying if I said riding in a go-cart 513 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,108 with Bart Simpson wasn't the highlight of my life, 514 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,711 but you're my son and I love you. 515 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,479 I love you, too, Dad. 516 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,148 You're my favorite guy that Mom's brought home. 517 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,516 Aw... 518 00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:15,019 Last one home is a rotten father! 519 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,988 Those aren't yours to keep! 520 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,558 They take them out of our pay! 521 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,127 HOMER: We'll bring them back when we get tired of them! 522 00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:25,529 Oh, that never happens. 523 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,834 But, Chief, I... I don't think those vehicles 524 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,203 are certified for highway use. 525 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:34,205 Yeah, well, I don't think you're certified 526 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,074 to understand the relationship between a father and son, Lou. 527 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:39,076 Yeah, well, I have a son-- he lives in Baltimore. 528 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,578 What do you want, a parade, Lou? 529 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,084 Listen, Maggie-- can I call you Maggie?-- 530 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:50,888 is there a way I can get you to put that pacifier down? 531 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,323 (chuckles): Oh, don't worry. 532 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,325 I'll be here as long as it takes. 533 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,194 You know, if you cooperate, 534 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,831 I can talk to your mother about a reduced time out. 535 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,768 Look, you wanted a helicopter, 536 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,669 I got you a helicopter. 537 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:11,175 Okay, I've got your nose, and if you want to see your nose again, 538 00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,277 you'll give me that pacifier! 539 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,454 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 540 00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:25,523 ANNOUNCER: Swing and a miss! Strike two. 541 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,358 Sanchez batting .269. 542 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,528 Fun fact: His father was one of those soccer players 543 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:33,097 who ate his teammate after a plane crashed 544 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,398 in the Andes. 545 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,167 Look at him bite at the high fastball. 546 00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:18,876 Shh!