1
00:00:01,036 --> 00:00:05,604
("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
instrumental playing)
2
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:10,642
(dogs barking,
sleigh bells jingling)
3
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,011
(grunts)
4
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,281
(music stops)
Smithers, release
the Christmas hounds.
5
00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:18,283
(barking)
(screaming)
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:20,652
(growling, barking)
7
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,721
("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
resumes playing)
8
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:29,895
SINGERS: ♪ All is not well,
on this noel ♪
9
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:32,831
♪ It's looking grim
for Reverend Tim ♪
10
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,967
HELEN: ♪ This should be
his very busy season ♪
11
00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:37,169
SIDESHOW MEL: ♪ No one's coming,
tell me what's the reason ♪
12
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,338
SINGERS: ♪ What will he do,
pull up a pew ♪
(snoring)
13
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,907
(singing quiets): ♪ As we bid
adieu, look for Disco Stu. ♪
14
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:49,181
Usually, the Fourth Sunday
of Advent is packed.
15
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,683
I hope the reverend
isn't losing his touch.
16
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:54,053
Comparing the Three Wise Men
to the Beastie Boys
17
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:56,755
seemed more desperate
than hip. I'm serious.
18
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,059
(groans)
19
00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:02,361
Even Milhouse
could've made that.
20
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,829
What is it, Helen?
21
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,898
Uh, well, Tim, just
thought you should know,
22
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,901
a very special fan club
is waiting to talk to you.
23
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,103
Mm!
24
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:14,139
A semi-circle?
What gives?
25
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,608
LOVEJOY:
Ned? Agnes?
26
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,911
Mel? The Parson?
27
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:20,512
That's right, your boss.
28
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,881
And I'd like to introduce you
to my boss,
29
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:23,916
the Patriarch.
30
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:27,119
Actually, Parson,
we all have the same boss.
31
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:29,088
The Metropolitan.
32
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:32,124
And it is his will that
we come together here for...
33
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:35,427
a divine intervention.
34
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,096
Look, since when is it a crime
35
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:39,565
to mix Pinot Noir and Vicodin?
36
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,233
Oh, we don't care if
you wreck your liver
37
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,735
with Sancerre
and acetaminophen.
38
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:46,238
You can pop pain pills
like cran-raisins
39
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,107
for all we care.
40
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:51,243
We're here 'cause you're
not packing the p-p-p-pews.
41
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:53,045
The church is emptier
than a syrup bottle
42
00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:55,114
after a pancake breakfast.
43
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:57,916
Oh, people have reasons
to miss mass.
44
00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:59,318
There's flu going around,
the new Jeeps
45
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,953
are in at the dealership.
46
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,822
Lot of new features, the big
screen up front, where...
47
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,958
It's not just
attendance, Reverend.
48
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,727
It's that sometimes when you
speak, my mind wanders,
49
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:12,131
to, uh, non-religious areas.
50
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,399
(metallic creaking)
51
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:16,635
Timothy, admit it.
You're in a slump.
52
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,604
How many souls have you
personally converted
53
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,606
to our faith this year?
54
00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:21,940
Negative six.
55
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:24,810
You have some
converting to do.
56
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,812
(moaning)
57
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,114
I haven't been heard from!
58
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:30,682
And what do you
have to say?
59
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:31,917
Nothing!
60
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,919
Just pointing it out.
61
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,021
Okay, I can do this.
62
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:38,507
I'm a good man.
63
00:02:38,508 --> 00:02:40,992
And Springfield is nothing if
not a good Christian community.
64
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:43,061
♪ ♪
65
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,100
(cries out)
66
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:49,201
(laughing)
67
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,803
(grumbles)
I'm worried about this festival.
68
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:53,705
It's like something you'd see
in a college town.
(grunting)
69
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,140
BART:
Come on, Mom,
70
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,142
get with the pagan agenda.
71
00:02:57,144 --> 00:03:00,145
Ha. This doggy likes me.
72
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:03,282
Don't worry, Ralphie,
I'll shoot you off of there.
73
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:04,516
Uh-oh.
74
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,984
Come on guys,
let's go check out
75
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,886
this year's feature
attraction:
76
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,988
the Strandbeest.
77
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:12,157
Powered by the wind!
78
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,625
Wow. Uh...
79
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,127
Is this science,
80
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:16,295
or garbage?
81
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,030
Dutch art.
Ooh!
82
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:20,199
And I'll bet it's
environmentally conscious.
83
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,034
No. It is not.
84
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:24,970
(onlookers murmuring)
85
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:27,039
Whoa. It's alive!
86
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,107
(excited murmuring)
87
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,878
Hmm. The wind
is picking up slightly.
88
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,179
This is a disaster!
89
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:36,515
The Beest is built for the
polite breezes of Europe.
90
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:38,917
(panicked shouting)
91
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,552
Save me, Odin.
(grunts)
92
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,420
(screaming)
93
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,822
Look, Dad,
I can skate backwards!
94
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:47,726
Great, Sophie! Just watch
out for Strandbeests!
95
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,194
(laughter)
96
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:50,596
(shocked gasps)
97
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:51,697
(screaming)
98
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,699
(stammering grunts)
99
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,367
(grunting)
100
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:57,603
(screams)
101
00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:58,937
(grunting)
102
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,005
What the...?
103
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,274
(grunting)
104
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,277
Okay, I got to warn ya.
105
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,713
Regular morphine doesn't
work on me anymore.
106
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,749
Call this number and they'll
send the stuff I need.
107
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,085
It'll say "for elephants,"
but ignore that.
108
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:14,086
(groans)
109
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,088
Sorry about this, Sophie.
110
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,257
Couldn't have come
at a worse time.
111
00:04:18,259 --> 00:04:21,260
I only get one week
of custody, once a year.
112
00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:24,096
It's okay, Dad.
We'll get to know each other
113
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,797
in this semi-private room.
114
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,033
Oh, I'll give you all
the privacy you need.
115
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,102
Ah...
(flat lines)
116
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,938
(screams):
Harold?
117
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,906
Private room!
118
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,975
Mm-hmm.
119
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,479
Uh... So,
120
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,648
uh, how's your act
coming along?
121
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,283
I'm not in show business.
122
00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,318
What kind of a
screwed-up kid are you?
123
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,253
I'm not screwed up.
I get good grades.
124
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,554
I play the French horn.
125
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:50,989
Good, good.
126
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,958
You know, it's funny when
someone's playing it
127
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,493
and their pants fall down.
128
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,795
(chuckles)
I haven't had that happen.
129
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,096
Well, don't feel bad.
130
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,098
It's actually a pretty
complicated rig.
131
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,267
The whole megillah
is a big tzimmes.
132
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,403
Tzimmes? Megillah?
133
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,671
It's Yiddish.
134
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,973
The language of
our fakakta people.
135
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,142
Mom raised me Christian.
136
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,343
A Christian?
137
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,011
(spits)
(groans)
138
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,613
That farbissina shiksa.
139
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:16,915
How can you ignore
the sacred traditions
140
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,617
of the Jewish people?
141
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:21,920
Krusty, here's your bacon,
lobster and tref sandwich.
142
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,523
Hey, it was supposed to come
with a side of camel.
143
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,158
Extra cloven.
144
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,194
Dad, you don't have to be
sort of funny with me.
145
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,998
The thing is, I want to
celebrate this time with you.
146
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,000
Sweetie, I know
you're reaching out.
147
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,969
But to me, Christmas
is just another day.
148
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:41,106
I usually curl up
with a good bookmaker, and...
149
00:05:42,343 --> 00:05:45,010
Well...
150
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:48,613
Why don't the two of you
spend Christmas with us?
151
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:51,216
Our home isn't fancy,
but we'd love to set a place
152
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,385
for two more.
153
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,487
Marge, we accept.
154
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,955
Can we bring anything?
155
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,123
Just yourself.
156
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,591
That'll cost you.
157
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,828
(singsongy):
Oh, Maggie.
158
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,730
Guess who just came
down the chimney?
159
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,631
A magical holiday friend,
160
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,301
straight from the North Pole.
161
00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:12,337
He's called the Gnome In Your
Home, and he works for Santa,
162
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:15,040
by watching you all the time.
163
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,076
According to a book
sold separately,
164
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:21,046
the Gnome In Your Home
doesn't need food or sleep.
165
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,749
He lives for just one thing:
166
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:26,718
to tell Santa
if you're bad or good.
167
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,053
(sucking pacifier rapidly)
168
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,221
He's gonna live here
on your shelf,
169
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:32,057
and he never shuts his eyes.
170
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,058
Isn't that cute?
171
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,426
You'd better be good,
172
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:37,662
or he'll nibble
your wittle fingers!
173
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:39,664
(sucking pacifier rapidly)
174
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,733
(playing "O Tannenbaum"
on piano)
175
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,074
(doorbell rings)
176
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,909
Oh, boy, Krusty's here!
177
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,913
A very merry Christmas,
178
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,449
from the bottom of my heart.
179
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,418
(calling):
Did you get the shot?
180
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:01,520
How did it play?
Was I too sincere?
181
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,721
Perfect, Mr. K!
182
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,623
Start laying dolly track.
183
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,991
("Jingle Bells" playing)
184
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,093
(doorbell rings)
185
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,729
Come on, damn it!
186
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,864
Christmas is about one thing:
187
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,366
being with family.
188
00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:17,135
Sophie, come sit on Daddy's lap.
189
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,137
I don't want to be on camera.
190
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:22,908
Fine, we'll just
motion-capture her in later.
191
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:25,544
(screeching)
192
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,614
Aww, that's my girl.
193
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:33,051
Oh, what a beautiful
gingerbread house.
194
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,486
Wish I could make one.
195
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:38,123
And I can! On a multi-function
Minolta printer.
196
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,492
Print, scan, copy,
197
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,562
let Minolta do your Xeroxing!
198
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:47,165
"...when what to my wondering
yes did appear..."
199
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,100
To hear me read
the rest of this poem,
200
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,503
dial 1-900-OLD-POEM.
201
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,138
$9.95 per call.
202
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,807
All I wanted was to spend
the holidays with you
203
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,009
so we could learn
more about each other.
204
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,845
Well, I learned!
205
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,079
Get out!
206
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,748
(crying)
What? Seriously?
207
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,984
You really want me to go?
208
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,786
Yes.
209
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:10,055
Right now.
210
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,793
(doorbell rings)
211
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,028
Uh, can we get some room tone?
212
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,898
Just 20 seconds.
213
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,946
Oh, Sophie! Please, forgive me.
214
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,481
I canceled the show.
215
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:38,717
I'm pulling up duct tape myself,
216
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,386
like a caveman!
(grunting)
217
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:44,122
SOPHIE (crying):
Just leave me alone.
218
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,394
If the Word of God isn't enough,
219
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,963
I also have some
rubber jar openers.
220
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,067
(groans) I've been directing
Christmas pageants for 30 years.
221
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,837
There's no way there's a God.
222
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:02,541
Forget it. Our nonsense is so
much better than your nonsense.
223
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,876
Look at this guy!
He can be a Pixar hero.
224
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,011
Look at him!
225
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,179
No, maybe I'm just not cut out
226
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,081
for the God game.
227
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,484
Maybe I could
teach S.A.T. Prep.
228
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:16,221
At least there are answers
in the back of that book.
229
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,191
(grunts)
230
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:23,695
(cries) What kind of poison
do you serve to a guy
231
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:26,331
whose daughter hates his guts?
232
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:29,367
Yeah. Try a Duff Numb.
No flavor, just alcohol.
233
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,902
(gulps)
234
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:34,072
I need something that makes me
feel better in my heart.
235
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,707
Like firing a writer.
236
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:38,109
Especially one
who just bought a house.
237
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:39,277
Mm...
238
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,745
(cash register dings)
239
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:44,082
My son, I'm here to guide you
to the most powerful man
240
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,751
in this world, or any other.
241
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,520
J.J. Abrams?
242
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:50,288
No. Jesus.
243
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,692
He is reaching
his arms out to you.
244
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,261
Oh, my God.
245
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,729
I can see him.
246
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,564
I am a Christian!
247
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:02,367
(angelic voices singing)
248
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,202
(stun gun crackling)
249
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,204
Uh, Chief,
I think you got him.
250
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,973
Yeah, it's Christmas.
(chuckles)
251
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,741
Just bang his head
on the car door
252
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,076
and we'll call it a day.
253
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,477
Merry Christmas.
(crackling)
254
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,545
Good night, sweet Maggie.
255
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,613
Mwah.
256
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:16,948
Why are you
huddling over there?
257
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,283
The gnome can't see you.
258
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,285
I'll move your crib closer.
259
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,354
(grunting)
260
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,724
There.
261
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,194
(clock ticking)
262
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,566
Oh, sorry,
I forgot your nightlight.
263
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,903
(in baby voice):
The gnome can't
nibble your fingers
264
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,472
if he can't see them.
265
00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:43,041
(Psycho type violin stings)
266
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,011
LISA:
Hey, Maggie.
267
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,479
I thought I'd
try the violin.
268
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,748
(Psycho type violin stings)
269
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,651
(wind whistling)
270
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,021
(object falls)
271
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,891
(wind whistling)
272
00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:03,662
(terrified sucking)
273
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,166
I've got a tummy ache.
274
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,836
Maybe I ate too much
before bedtime.
275
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:20,111
Have you been a bad baby?
276
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,046
Oh.
277
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,014
Don't lie to me...
278
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,117
or Christmas morning
will never come!
279
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,186
(cackles evilly)
280
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,856
("Jingle Bells" slowly plays
in minor key)
281
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,998
(laughing)
282
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,033
(yells)
283
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,370
Oh, don't worry, Maggie.
284
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,140
He can't beat the super team
of Santa, Jack Frost,
285
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:53,044
the Abominable Snowman
and Wayne Gretzky.
286
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,913
He's got a gun.
287
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,969
Merry Christmas, Maggie!
288
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,742
Was Maggie a good
little girl?
289
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,543
She was?!
290
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:29,080
Well, you did such a
good job, Mr. Gnome,
291
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,116
that we're gonna
leave you here
292
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,184
all year round.
293
00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:41,760
("Joy to the World"
instrumental playing)
294
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:46,297
"...which they also did
and sent to the elders
295
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,899
by the hands
of Barnabas and Saul."
296
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,634
Now, I'd like to introduce
297
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:52,137
our newest brother in faith:
298
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,372
Krusty the Christian.
299
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,776
♪ Amazing grace ♪
300
00:12:57,778 --> 00:13:00,979
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
301
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:04,482
♪ That saved a putz ♪
302
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,985
♪ Like me. ♪
303
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:11,289
Aw, I remember the day
she came into my life.
304
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:18,029
Oh, here's a present
for Maggie.
305
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,501
And the good news is,
Spycraft Toys makes
306
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:26,137
other invasive dolls:
Narc In The Park,
307
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,238
Bear Who's Always There
308
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,140
and Snoop While You Poop.
309
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,108
Won't that be fun?
310
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,043
So much fun.
(slurps)
311
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:40,451
Oh, now sweetie, that's
a present for your mother.
312
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:43,188
(chuckles)
Another Christmas in the bag.
313
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,190
I love my juicer.
314
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:51,196
And don't worry, Marge,
I'm adding fruit.
315
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,698
You know,
316
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:56,601
I might have one more present
for you.
317
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,003
(groans in surprise)
318
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,206
(chuckles excitedly)
319
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,174
(both scream)
320
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,009
(scared stammering)
321
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,010
What is it?
322
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,178
What is it?!
323
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,147
HOMER:
What the...?!
324
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,782
(panting)
325
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:16,955
(drumroll)
326
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:21,392
Welcome to the Krusty the Clown
Sober Contemplation Hour.
327
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,428
(cymbals crash)
Pray, pray, kids.
328
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,998
We've got a very uplifting
show today.
329
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:27,999
He is risen.
330
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,901
And now please silently reflect
331
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:33,905
upon the wholesome new teachings
of Itchy and Scratchy.
332
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,840
♪ They pray, they pray ♪
333
00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:37,675
♪ They pray
and they don't slay ♪
334
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:40,078
♪ Pray, pray, pray,
they found a way ♪
335
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,248
♪ The pious mouse and cat. ♪
336
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,655
"They shall
beat their swords
337
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,257
into plowshares."
338
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,226
I think it's about time
we put on some clothes.
339
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,262
(both grunting)
340
00:14:57,264 --> 00:15:00,031
And then this happened.
341
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,834
Wow, Dad,
you wrecked your entire show
342
00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:04,569
just to prove you love me.
343
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,904
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
344
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,338
Here comes a cream pie.
345
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,941
(pennywhistle plays)
346
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,743
(Krusty chuckles softly)
(Bart groans)
347
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,684
Coming up next, we've got
some hilarious comedians.
348
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:20,785
Finally.
349
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,287
Andrew Nice Clay,
350
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,088
Larry the Fable Guy
351
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,291
and Joe Piscopalian.
352
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,092
Oh, if he was
gonna convert,
353
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,961
why didn't he pick
a funny religion?
354
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,063
Like Zoroastrianism.
355
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,198
Their top god
is named Mazda.
356
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,867
Tell me that's
not hilarious.
357
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:37,135
(groans)
358
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:40,138
And now the moment
you've been waiting for...
359
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:43,041
The nature of the universe
is we are forced to wait
360
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,142
for every moment.
361
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,209
As Mazda teaches us...
362
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,311
Shh!
363
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,412
My daughter will play
364
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,446
the French horn
365
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,382
and no one's
pants will drop.
366
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,652
(plays upbeat melody)
367
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,991
I guess this will
just be for me.
368
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:05,063
Well, look at you,
all cool and collected.
369
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,832
Oh, well, even the Lord
rested on Sunday.
370
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:11,002
But Krusty's not ours
till he's b-b-b-baptized.
371
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:14,939
You have to get his soul and his
bank router number on autopay.
372
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:18,076
Oh, he wanted to do it
the old-fashioned way,
373
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,912
in the river with
Miss Teenage Nevada,
374
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:21,946
but the river's frozen.
375
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:23,848
I have to wait
until the ice melts.
376
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,083
Mm-mm-mm.
377
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,918
I had you pegged
for a closer, Tim.
378
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,786
You know,
Ogdenville is looking
379
00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:29,954
for a prison chaplain.
380
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,422
(laughing):
The last one, well...
381
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,825
he got a very
cool tattoo...
382
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:36,194
that he didn't ask for.
383
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,997
(Helen gasps, glass shatters,
mouse squeaks)
384
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:41,132
♪ Gather with the saints ♪
385
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,035
♪ At the river ♪
386
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:49,440
♪ That flows
by the throne of God ♪
387
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,043
(squeaky-voice):
♪ Throne of God. ♪
388
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,181
Will the baptismal
candidate please approach?
389
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,684
(laughing)
(grunting)
390
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,052
You're sure you want
to do this, Dad?
391
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,520
Seems kind of meshugana.
392
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,856
I want to be a total Christian
for you, babe,
393
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:07,558
so I'm gonna shpritz
my tuchis...
394
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,060
Be careful of
the current.
395
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,496
Don't worry, I haven't been
current in years.
396
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:12,463
(laughs boisterously)
397
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,464
(groans)
398
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,699
(laughter)
399
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,202
(laughter continues)
400
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:23,574
Huh? Huh? Oh.
401
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:29,847
Oh, great, my death is
a hacky parody of Frozen.
402
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:32,083
Dad? But who's the moose?
403
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:34,018
I'm your first agent.
404
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:36,854
Oh, this is the most
we've ever spoken.
405
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,022
(phone rings)
406
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,357
(groans)
407
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,858
I must be dead.
408
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,060
You're not dead yet.
409
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,095
Listen, I should know
because I am.
410
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,431
And life was no picnic,
but let me tell you,
411
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,032
death is no picnic, either.
412
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,935
Your biggest mistake
is expecting picnics.
413
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:51,936
Dad!
414
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:54,105
Oh, I suppose
you're not happy
415
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,106
that I'm converting.
416
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:56,908
Herschel, your
heart just stopped
417
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,443
so I'll make
this very quick.
418
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:01,512
There's no one religion
that makes you a good father.
419
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,748
All you got to do is
think of your children
420
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,516
before yourself,
that's all...
421
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,352
except with those oxygen masks
that you get on the planes.
422
00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:09,921
There it's vice-a-versa.
423
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,556
Well, I guess you would know.
424
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:14,926
You're a rabbi
who's seen the face of God.
425
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,028
Actually, I'm a hallucination
caused by cell death
426
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,729
in your suffocating brain.
427
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:21,933
Also, I saw you texting
during my funeral.
428
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:24,669
For shame!
(cries out)
429
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:26,871
Oh, reel him in.
430
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,139
You've caught a drowning man!
431
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,540
Slow down.
432
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,509
First I'm gonna
play him a little.
433
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:40,118
"I shall be a fisher of men."
434
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,323
(ice breaking)
435
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,991
I'm alive!
436
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,092
Oh, ho!
437
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:50,061
Don't tell my ex-wife.
438
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,097
(whooping and cheering)
439
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:55,733
Lovejoy is a hero!
440
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,936
Finally something I can explain!
441
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:01,105
SINGERS: ♪ All ended well
except for Sideshow Mel ♪
442
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,307
♪ This Jewish clown,
he didn't drown ♪
443
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,610
♪ Reconciled with his daughter ♪
444
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:08,112
♪ When he got out of the water ♪
445
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,114
♪ Here's the good news,
butts in the pews ♪
446
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,183
♪ Watch Homer snooze
as he still chews ♪
447
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,417
♪ Our show is almost done ♪
448
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,186
♪ Maggie didn't stop ♪
449
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:18,156
♪ At one. ♪
450
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:26,631
Sorry about Krusty,
but he's still
451
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,032
on Team Hanukkah.
452
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,835
Um, I hate to win
on a technicality,
453
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:33,037
but he was under the water.
454
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,972
That's a baptism.
455
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:37,041
Maybe we should ask Mazda?
456
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,510
I'm not going to ask him
anything, he's drunk.
457
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,979
(slurring):
Oh, and like you're not!
458
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:44,949
(slurping)
459
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:51,622
♪ ♪
460
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,058
♪ Just hear those
sleigh bells jingling ♪
461
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:56,894
♪ Ring-ting-tingling along ♪
462
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:02,066
♪ Let's sing a jolly holiday
non-denominational song ♪
463
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,401
♪ Being pulled
through the snow ♪
464
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,036
♪ To our wintertime feast ♪
465
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:07,004
♪ By a PVC beast ♪
466
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:11,008
♪ My Web site traffic
just increased ♪
467
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,010
♪ Best get you home
to your mother ♪
468
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,846
♪ Or she'll call
a lawyer or two ♪
469
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,181
♪ There's nothing better ♪
470
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:19,250
♪ Than spending
alternate weekends ♪
471
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:22,019
♪ With you. ♪
472
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:25,790
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
473
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,028
Shh!
474
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:06,697
(squeaky-voice):
♪ Throne of God. ♪