1 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,937 Whoa, look out. 2 00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:06,005 (both shout) 3 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,442 Hey, where's our sailboat? 4 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:13,445 Oh. It really tied the room together. 5 00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:16,882 Yes. That painting was great. 6 00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,951 Derivative, amateur seascape. 7 00:00:18,953 --> 00:00:22,221 Maybe another animated show stole it! 8 00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,790 (gasps) We'll see about that! 9 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960 Or maybe I sold it on Craigslist. 10 00:00:27,962 --> 00:00:29,628 Both things are equally possible. 11 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,030 This a TV show, 12 00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,866 or did I walk into a third grade shoebox diorama? 13 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,501 Did you steal my painting? 14 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,570 (angry muttering, bleeping) 15 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,173 (chuckles) 16 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:44,176 Out of the mouths of babes. 17 00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:47,646 ♪ We're in the cookies you hate to eat ♪ 18 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:51,517 ♪ An unpleasant surprise when you trick-or-treat... ♪ 19 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,085 Boo! Boo! 20 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,521 Snacks should be bad for you! 21 00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:57,556 (high-pitched yells) 22 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,491 (grunting) 23 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,167 (screams) 24 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:09,334 (Homer screams) 25 00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:12,037 Ew, what smells like comic books and loneliness? 26 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:15,074 (gasps) Oh, uh, certainly not this cool cat. 27 00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,675 Nope. That was spot-on. 28 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,243 But today I don't care. 29 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,045 Look what I got! My painting! 30 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,714 The pièce de résistance of my memorabilia collection! 31 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,750 Not since I was the winning bidder 32 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,286 on a Ziploc full of Jonathan Frakes' beard trimmings 33 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,954 have I been so... Aw, dang it. 34 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:31,457 Ooh! Gross! Raisin blood! 35 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,192 (Homer grunting, kids yelling) 36 00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:35,961 (panting) 37 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,464 Oh, I did it. 38 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,932 Oh, (bleep). 39 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:43,335 ♪ ♪ 40 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,141 Bart and I haven't always been the best of friends. Aah! 41 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,777 And we're here to tell you a story of a time 42 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,078 when we really didn't get along. 43 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,079 (hooting) 44 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,081 But we found our way! 45 00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,550 And we like each other better than ever! 46 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,986 Way to spoil the ending, nerd-burger. 47 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,889 Mmm, nerd-burger. 48 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,992 It all began on the hottest summer on record. Aah! 49 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,927 After years of pollution in Springfield Bay, 50 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,163 I am honored to announce that these waters 51 00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,065 are now safe to swim in. 52 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,566 (cheering) 53 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:18,403 Huzzah for a cleaner Springfield! 54 00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:20,005 Er, uh, it's not cleaner. 55 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,174 We just lowered the safety standards. 56 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,609 (cheering) 57 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,210 Yay! 58 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:27,846 (sizzling) 59 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,750 Okay, who's up for a day at the beach? 60 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,653 I got all the beach I want with Anzio Beach Invasion. 61 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,958 Pathetic! I was there, and it was nothing like that. 62 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,593 (Grampa gasps) 63 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,694 I surrender! 64 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,899 I'll go in first so they won't know it's a trap. 65 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,201 Yoink. Yoink. 66 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,802 Movado! 67 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,204 (humming) 68 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,477 (laughter) 69 00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,079 (Homer whimpering) 70 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,950 Well, that is the most disgusting thing 71 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,952 I've ever seen on a beach. 72 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:09,421 Kind of sad, really. 73 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,858 (sighs) 74 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,193 A booger? 75 00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:17,896 Real mature, guys, real mature. (both snickering) 76 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,198 A booger! 77 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,701 A human booger, indeed. 78 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,469 Dolphin. Weak. 79 00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:26,138 Skull. Cliché. 80 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,307 "I'd rather be fishing." Not true. 81 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,608 The bone? 82 00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:33,145 That's exactly what I'm bad to. 83 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,316 Hmm. 84 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,851 (gasps) 85 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:43,689 ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ 86 00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:47,259 ♪ Then we wouldn't have to wait so long ♪ 87 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:51,196 ♪ And wouldn't it be nice to live together ♪ 88 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:56,068 ♪ In the kind of world where we belong? ♪ 89 00:03:56,070 --> 00:04:00,339 ♪ You know it's gonna make it that much better... ♪ 90 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:03,075 (gasps) I'll take it! 91 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,845 (pacifier squeaking) 92 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,986 Geronimo! 93 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,424 It said "water-resistant." 94 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,193 It resisted nothing! 95 00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:22,728 Whee...! 96 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,430 Whoa! Dope hat! 97 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,066 And check out my gnarly new tat! 98 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,902 No fair! I'm bad to the bone! 99 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:33,005 (sobbing) 100 00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,477 (women grunting) 101 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,279 Mmm! Okay, that's it. 102 00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,080 Marge, I'm watching sports! 103 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,982 Really? What's the score? 104 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:47,119 Uh, the, uh, Boobs are beating the Butts. 105 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:50,222 I don't think that's the official terminology. 106 00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:51,223 (grunts) 107 00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:52,791 Oh! 108 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:56,128 Maybe you should watch this sport instead. 109 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,329 Hmm. 110 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,330 Mm-mm-mm. 111 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,399 What do you know? 112 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,136 Checkmate. Ha! 113 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:07,039 It's the only mate I haven't buried. 114 00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:10,242 Hey, Blobby Fischer, you're up. 115 00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:12,678 Do you even know the names of the pieces? 116 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,780 Of course. There's the King, 117 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,948 Mrs. King, the Lightbulb Babies, 118 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,451 the Mini Ashtray, Slit Face. 119 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:22,954 And who could forget Dr. Horse? 120 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,456 Want to put a 20 on it? 121 00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:26,925 Make it a 22. 122 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,094 (chuckles) 123 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,029 Checkmate. 124 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:37,436 (chuckles) Another victim of the Budapest Gambit. 125 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,104 How can Dad play chess? 126 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,707 He can't even remember the rules to Chutes and Ladders. 127 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,476 I do so! You always think ladders go down. 128 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,111 You can go down a ladder. 129 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:48,213 Oh, God, not this again. 130 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,649 I go down ladders all the time. Homer, when did you learn to play chess? 131 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:53,452 The truth is, my dad and I used to play. 132 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,355 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 133 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,800 He won't stop doing it. 134 00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:11,002 That's jive, man. 135 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,972 But I don't want to talk about it. 136 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:16,108 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 137 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,145 (seagull squawks) 138 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,147 Whoa! Sweet lid, Lisa. 139 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,015 Well, I'm bad to the bone. 140 00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,817 I see no proof of that. 141 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,552 Oh, yeah? Just look at this. 142 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,187 (grunts) (screeches) 143 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:33,225 Haw-haw! Bart's getting beat up by a beach turkey! 144 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,328 (sighs) 145 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,263 (groans) 146 00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,032 Hmm. 147 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,367 (tires screeching) 148 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,935 Okay, a few ground rules. 149 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,905 Everything I say, I want five of. 150 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,907 Five Krusty Burgers... 151 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,042 SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: Got it. Five Krusty Burgers. 152 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,044 No! I thought I was clear. 153 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,046 25 Krusty Burgers! 154 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,382 125 Krusty Burgers? 155 00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,918 No! That's not what I... Fine. 156 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,455 BART: Can I really toss this thing she's so crazy about? 157 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:06,124 Damn right I can! I'm bad to the bone! 158 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,492 (grunts) 159 00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:11,963 (growling) 160 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,298 (chuckles) 161 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,403 Who the hell are you? 162 00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:19,771 I'm your guilt. 163 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:20,872 I don't have any guilt. 164 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,641 You do now. 165 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,810 Don't worry, Bart. I'll protect you. 166 00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,611 I'm denial. 167 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,846 (crack) 168 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,214 Ay, caramba! 169 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,422 ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ 170 00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:41,393 ♪ Then we wouldn't have to wait so long? ♪ 171 00:07:41,395 --> 00:07:43,995 (gasps) My hat! 172 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,064 ♪ ♪ 173 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,805 Sunny? 174 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,074 ♪ ♪ 175 00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,189 Uh, no. 176 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,124 Uh-uh. 177 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:14,292 Oh. 178 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,427 (gasps) 179 00:08:15,429 --> 00:08:16,628 No. 180 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,096 Nope. 181 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,598 Not even close. 182 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,973 Do you have any more yellow hats? 183 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:30,542 You mean like the one you looked really good in? 184 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,611 Yes. No. 185 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:34,980 Oh... 186 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,582 (groaning) 187 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,719 (groans) You're still here? 188 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,021 No offense, but you look worse. 189 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:47,025 Your lack of remorse just makes me grow. 190 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,761 (gasps) Now you're gettin' it. 191 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:54,966 Ha! Joke's on you-- I like gross things. 192 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,201 Hmm. 193 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,037 (grunting) 194 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,106 (laughs) Again! Again! 195 00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,909 And that leads to mate 196 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,410 in three! 197 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,913 I've got to say, it's so exciting 198 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,415 to find out something new about you. 199 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,584 Hey, I'm full of surprises. 200 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,653 Ooh. Name another. 201 00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:15,854 Actually, that's it. 202 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:18,156 Tell me something I don't know about you. 203 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,225 Okay. 204 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,761 Sometimes when I sweep, I make little sweeping noises 205 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,329 with my mouth. 206 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,931 (whooshing) 207 00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:29,200 Oh, here comes the dustpan. 208 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,368 (gasps) 209 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,937 (both moaning) 210 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:34,706 I can't find Sunny anywhere. 211 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,175 Sunny? No! We got to find Sunny! 212 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,410 Where... Wait. 213 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,145 The baby's name is Maggie. 214 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,551 Hey, beach bums. Man, did I crash last night. 215 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:49,020 Always sleep well after riding the waves. 216 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,122 Ah... 217 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,858 Have you seen your sister's hat? 218 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:58,396 Oh, did-did she have a hat? I-I don't remember any hat. 219 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,432 Her name was Sunny, and I loved her more 220 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,601 than any girl ever loved a hat! 221 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:05,904 (gasps) Even Madeline from the Madeline books? 222 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:09,908 She only wore that because it was part of her uniform. 223 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,710 Ask Pepito. 224 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:12,978 (sizzles) 225 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,046 Mmm. (chomps) 226 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:21,052 Hey, hey, hey, I do not like to see that going on in my bar. 227 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,557 Lenny, knight takes queen. 228 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,392 Barney, mate in four. 229 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,162 Homer! You're playing like Polugaevsky at Mar del Plata. 230 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,931 (belches) 231 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,834 Yeah, Homer, you're some kind of a idiot savant. 232 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:38,069 Hey, I don't come here to be insulted. 233 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,138 Homer, we're just saying youse got a special skill, 234 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,575 like a smokin' monkey or a urinal cake with an ad on it. 235 00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,177 Don't tell me you're not flattered by those analogies. 236 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,813 (sputters) You guys think you're so hot. 237 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,082 I could fit in a piece of carry-on luggage. 238 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,151 Oh-ho, I'd like to see that. 239 00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,291 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 240 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,861 Oh, no. I'm alone with my thoughts. 241 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,829 No. No, no, no. The healthiest thing 242 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,598 is for me to let myself out. 243 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,233 Oh, sure thing, pal. 244 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,770 Here you go. 245 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,041 So, Homer, how did you get so good at chess? 246 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,876 I played against my dad. 247 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,944 Uh, was that fun? 248 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,283 It was, until I learned the pieces weren't licorice. 249 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,018 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 250 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,621 We played every day after my mother left us, 251 00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:31,222 and he won every time. 252 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,826 And every time he won, he laughed that horrible laugh. 253 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,628 (laughing) 254 00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:38,063 Aw, Mona. 255 00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,198 (laughing) 256 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,201 So I found a professor 257 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,070 who lived nearby, 258 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,972 a master of the game, kind, patient, 259 00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,674 devoted to me. 260 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,976 I went every day. 261 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,014 You are ready now. 262 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,682 Thanks for the lessons, Professor. 263 00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,052 You remind me of my son. 264 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,722 Oh. Where is he now? He's... 265 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,256 right over there. 266 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,625 He just doesn't like chess. 267 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,763 I went back to play my dad. 268 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,498 We had a beautiful thing here, 269 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,000 and you had to ruin it by getting good! 270 00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,669 No more chess in this house! 271 00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,270 But, Dad, it's our thing. 272 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,939 Well, we'll find another thing. 273 00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:23,675 You listen to the radiator hiss while I drink whiskey 274 00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:25,376 under this naked lightbulb. 275 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,312 (radiator hissing) 276 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:32,317 It was a sad life, but I wasn't affected. 277 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,521 (dog barks mournfully) 278 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:37,889 ♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪ 279 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,591 ♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪ 280 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,761 ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show. ♪ 281 00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,598 I brought you more lasagna, cousin. 282 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,666 Mmm. 283 00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:51,870 (laughs) 284 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,304 You know these cartoons are made 285 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,473 by exploiting Korean children? 286 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,909 You ruin everything. 287 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,377 (saxophone note plays) 288 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,313 (snoring, groaning) 289 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,414 (blows note) 290 00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:04,983 (snoring, groaning) 291 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,050 (plays higher note) 292 00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:07,986 (groans) 293 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,320 (gasps) 294 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,989 Bart? What is it? 295 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,958 Um, listen, I have... I have to tell you something. 296 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,562 I-I was jealous, and I-I threw your hat away. 297 00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:18,930 (gasps loudly) 298 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:21,833 Oh, that went a lot better than I thought. 299 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,935 Why did you do it? I don't know. 300 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,805 The important thing is you got to forgive me right now. 301 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,273 I feel kind of guilty. 302 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,975 Then I hope your guilt will grow... 303 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,911 and grow... 304 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,746 and grow. 305 00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:38,950 And no matter how much you try to pretty it up... 306 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:43,254 it'll still be the most hideous thing you could imagine! 307 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,091 (screams) 308 00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:50,094 Nerds! Get 'em! 309 00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:51,229 (Homer groans, Marge screams) 310 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,534 A cupcake? Please. 311 00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,037 No. 312 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,439 Mm-mm. 313 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,041 So what? 314 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,677 I'm truly sorry, Bart, 315 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:09,347 but it's a wound nothing can heal. 316 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,449 A bunny and a hammer? 317 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,385 Well, my mom did say bring home dinner. 318 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,687 (humming) 319 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,390 Homer, listen, hey, 320 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,693 I got something very scary to tell you. 321 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,862 Now, I was on this alt-suicide subreddit, 322 00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,530 you know, just-just checking in, 323 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,533 and I found out why you are so good at chess. 324 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,134 Go on. 325 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:34,339 Chess represents your desire to kill your father. 326 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,407 What the...? That's ridiculous! 327 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,909 Now, I'm here to bowl! 328 00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,210 (groans) 329 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,412 You'll end up in the gutter! 330 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,414 Oh, my head! 331 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,716 Oh! I'll sue! 332 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,985 I can't afford the copay! 333 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,020 Won't someone reset us! 334 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,022 Well, at least I'm safe. 335 00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,124 (grunting) 336 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,927 (gasps) 337 00:14:58,031 --> 00:14:59,964 I'm in luck! It's still here! 338 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,935 (gasps) My hat! 339 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,471 Aah! My car! And my house. 340 00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,783 Homer, before you give up, 341 00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:22,020 I Skyped someone who knows a little bit about chess. 342 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,355 Oh, I don't think any chess master 343 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:28,593 or even international master could understand how I feel. 344 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,529 I'm world chess champion Magnus Carlsen. 345 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,299 (gasps) I understand Norwegian! 346 00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,968 When I heard a fellow chess player had a mental problem, 347 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,403 I Skyped at once. 348 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,938 I'm not a chess player anymore. 349 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,607 From now on, I'm only playing Stratego! 350 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,076 I cannot play Stratego-- I'm scared of the bomb. 351 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,811 Yeah, tell me about it. 352 00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:49,113 Homer, I'm afraid you cannot run away from chess. 353 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,982 The reason I got into chess 354 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,951 was because it didn't involve running. 355 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:55,720 I share your disdain for exercise. 356 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,956 Now I will say something with all the emotion 357 00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:00,224 a Norwegian can muster. 358 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,129 To find your true feelings, 359 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,966 you must finish your final chess match with your father. 360 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,168 (gasps) I'm sorry, you cut out for a second. 361 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,269 Did you gasp? 362 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,603 Then you will nod. 363 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,839 Then you will eat a piece of cheese 364 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,274 while the wife doesn't look. 365 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,943 Then you will undo the top button of your pants. 366 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,179 I'm always three moves ahead. 367 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,582 D'oh! 368 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:27,418 Okay, I don't have to move the cube. 369 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,587 I just have to get the hat out. 370 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:30,989 Ga-der! 371 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,957 I never thought I'd sink this low, 372 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,093 but I need help from God. 373 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:38,129 Let our faith lift up this cube, Lord. 374 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:40,164 ♪ ♪ Huh? 375 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,133 Aw. 376 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,736 Thanks for nothing. 377 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:51,809 (sizzling) 378 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,012 Huh? The soda ate right through the metal! 379 00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,114 I'm just glad I'm not a car. 380 00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,884 Ah. I just have to get more. 381 00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:02,120 (sizzling) 382 00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,655 Hit it, boys! 383 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,457 (both praying indistinctly) 384 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,726 ♪ ♪ 385 00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,228 And... evil thoughts. 386 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,529 (both gasp) 387 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,764 (sizzling) 388 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:19,303 Boys, are you performing miracles? 389 00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,806 Jesus is performing them through us. 390 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,441 Well, all right, then. 391 00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,980 I'm here to play chess, we're gonna play chess, 392 00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,682 and not another word! I play chess? 393 00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,152 ♪ ♪ 394 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:54,072 An excellent move by Homer. 395 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,740 (cheering) 396 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,942 A stout defense by Grampa. 397 00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:00,011 (cheering) 398 00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:02,413 Doesn't anyone want to watch the Super Bowl? 399 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,415 Get lost! 400 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,552 Homer has the win in hand. 401 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,554 He merely needs to take Grampa's knight. 402 00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,189 Oh, he's gonna be a new man. 403 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,057 A new man, you hear me? 404 00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:15,760 Can I go? It's, like, 4:00 a.m. for me. 405 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:16,894 Sure. Fine. 406 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,262 Uh, who is that guy? 407 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,631 Magnus Carlsen-- my cousin. 408 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:27,705 ♪ ♪ 409 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:34,112 HOMER: Isn't a father more important than a victory? 410 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,714 I've never really known either. 411 00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,220 You resign?! 412 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,455 Dad, Dad, it seems I love you. 413 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,824 Can't you say it seems you love me, too? 414 00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:47,959 Aw... 415 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,127 my son loves me. 416 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,062 Now I can die in peace. 417 00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:51,963 Really? 418 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,331 Hold your horses! 419 00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:57,001 (panting): Lisa! Stupid Lisa! 420 00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,070 I've got something to show you! 421 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,404 I found Sunny! 422 00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:02,173 I don't want the hat anymore. 423 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,976 What? You really don't have any choice in the matter. 424 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,811 Here! I told you, 425 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,646 the wound won't heal. 426 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,916 Your best bet is to forget me and start fresh with Maggie. 427 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:14,986 She likes raisins, Bart. Give her raisins. 428 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,927 (groans) 429 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,264 ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ 430 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,099 ♪ Then we wouldn't have... ♪ 431 00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:31,002 He's trying to be nice. 432 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,970 (sobbing) 433 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,106 Now what's your problem? 434 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:37,308 Oh, shut up! I forgive you! 435 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,643 You forgive me? 436 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:39,710 (stifling sobs) 437 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:43,147 Yes. In the right hat, anything is possible. 438 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,348 (both sigh) 439 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:49,120 Why does everyone feel so good when I leave?! 440 00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:51,189 (grunts) 441 00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,959 (snarls) 442 00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:57,962 Ooh-hoo-hoo! This will come in handy. 443 00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,730 ♪ ♪ 444 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,065 What's going on here? 445 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,733 Bart and I are friends again. 446 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,236 (chuckles) I do some of my best fathering 447 00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,038 when I'm not around. 448 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,408 Hey, who are you? Oh, you'll find out. 449 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,410 (chuckles) Listen, pal, 450 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:15,880 I have plenty of demons. Get in line. 451 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,081 How you doing? Drunk! 452 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,849 Hey, I thought you were sloth. 453 00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,585 Sloths can be drunk. 454 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,091 So we learned Bart has a conscience. 455 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,092 Haw-haw! 456 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:29,927 (singsongy): You have a conscience! 457 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,529 (grunts) Closed set! 458 00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,531 My mom's dating your gaffer. 459 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,266 Jack! Is that true? 460 00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:37,101 I'm... not proud of it. 461 00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:41,772 You seemed pretty proud when you ate all our ramen noodles. 462 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,408 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 463 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,914 Listen, I got to know. Do you chess guys get groupies? 464 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,949 Homer, I wish you could stop. 465 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,718 These Skypes aren't free. 466 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,119 Yes, they are. 467 00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,188 I still don't want to talk to you. 468 00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,767 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 469 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:28,886 Shh!