1 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:05,738 NELSON: Haw-haw! 2 00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:08,607 D'oh! 3 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,009 (tires screeching) 4 00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:11,510 (grunts) 5 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,580 (gentle lullaby version of "The Simpsons Theme" playing) 6 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:31,463 (sucking) 7 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,366 (humming) 8 00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:38,303 (humming) 9 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,141 (humming) 10 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:45,310 (humming) 11 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,481 (screaming) 12 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,585 ♪ ♪ 13 00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,925 NARRATOR: It was the biggest scandal 14 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:03,028 in the history of Springfield sports. 15 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:06,498 Never has someone fallen from such heights to such lows, 16 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,501 except maybe for that tightrope walker who sneezed. 17 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,669 That was terrible. 18 00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:15,374 This situation is a disgusting mockery 19 00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:19,011 of a repulsive joke that would make me sick to my stomach 20 00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:20,212 if there was there was 21 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,680 one good restaurant in this town, 22 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,182 which there is not! 23 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:26,018 (stammers) There is nothing to vomit. 24 00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:29,021 NARRATOR: And all because of one young man. 25 00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:31,523 Okay, so I shaved points in basketball. 26 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,859 Just don't make a big production of it. 27 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:36,562 NARRATOR: This is 22 for 30. 28 00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,630 (dramatic orchestral music) 29 00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:48,540 My son is a handful. 30 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,309 Can you say that on TV? 31 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:53,445 No one ever thought he'd work for gamblers with the mob. 32 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:56,115 I always thought he'd work for gamblers with the mob. 33 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,983 In the morning, we saw the horrors 34 00:01:57,985 --> 00:02:00,252 of the beaches at Iwo Jima. 35 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:02,121 DIRECTOR: This is a sports documentary. 36 00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:03,589 I'm getting there! 37 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,457 In my unit, they called me "Quarterback." 38 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,460 Because when I borrowed a quarter, I never gave it back. 39 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:13,465 At the end of the war, I had a buck 75, and no friends. 40 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,467 (distorted): I remember it like it was yesterday. 41 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,402 Or maybe the day before that. 42 00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,404 It all started with a prank. 43 00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:21,773 Bart had no idea where it would lead. 44 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,176 This voice is scaring me. 45 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,677 I need Puppy Goo-Goo! 46 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,448 (normal voice): Safety kiss! 47 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,483 I think I'll be okay. 48 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,519 (distorted): I love you. 49 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,953 (distorted scream) 50 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,422 Yeah, so here was the quote, unquote "prank." 51 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,993 Bart sent out a memo telling everyone to wear white 52 00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:44,429 for some nonsense called Polar Bear Remembrance Day. 53 00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:46,131 (chuckles) Yes. 54 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,600 Then the little dickens sent Skin-ner 55 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,136 a different memo telling him to wear 56 00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:55,140 a floral shirt in honor of King Kamehameha's birthday. 57 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,676 (stammers) Had it ended there, fine. 58 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,545 Pleasant conclusion to a busy week. 59 00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:01,680 But it didn't end there. 60 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,482 Now don't worry, 61 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:06,518 all the bees want are flowers. 62 00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:09,521 (bees buzzing) 63 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,156 Willie, kill the bees! 64 00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:13,659 Not till I hear their side of it. 65 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:17,529 NARRATOR: Bart received the longest detention in history. 66 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,532 Bored, he began to shoot baskets, 67 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,835 a talent that would irrevocably make his life better. 68 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,904 Then worse, then better, then the same. 69 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,340 ♪ Wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat ♪ 70 00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:29,808 ♪ And a '64 Impala ♪ 71 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,476 ♪ I wish I was, like, six-foot-nine ♪ 72 00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,313 ♪ So I can get with Leoshi, 'cause she don't know me ♪ 73 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:35,647 ♪ But, yo, she's really fine ♪ 74 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,316 ♪ You know I see her all the time ♪ 75 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,684 ♪ Everywhere I go, and even in my dreams ♪ 76 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,352 ♪ I can scheme up ways to make her mine ♪ 77 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,853 ♪ 'Cause I know she's livin' phat ♪ 78 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,555 ♪ Her boyfriend's tall and he plays ball ♪ 79 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,424 ♪ So how am I gonna compete with that? ♪ 80 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,193 A troubled young man who was good at basketball. 81 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,695 I'd never heard of such a thing. 82 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,063 Of course, his detention was commuted, 83 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:53,065 and he was made a starter on the team. 84 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,102 That's my son! My son! 85 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,937 Which is, of course, another version of me! 86 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:00,906 (crowd cheering) 87 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,675 Him! Me! Us! Me! 88 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:07,045 NARRATOR: Everywhere Bart went, he was given star treatment. 89 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,614 At school... 90 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,150 (grunts) 91 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,088 (grunts) 92 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,090 ...at the public pool... 93 00:04:18,092 --> 00:04:19,691 (Bart laughing) 94 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:20,692 (Bart grunts) 95 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,794 It's really not that dangerous. 96 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,097 (laughing) 97 00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,965 NARRATOR: ...with local merchants. 98 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,700 Oh, young basketball star, 99 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,469 I have something special for you. 100 00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:33,538 The new 7,200-ounce Squishy. 101 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,708 NARRATOR: But not everyone was celebrating the Bart-mitzvah. 102 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,810 I got an assignment: write an article 103 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,713 on the school's new hero, Bart Simpson. 104 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,482 (sighs) This is worse than 105 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,984 when we were square-dance partners in gym. 106 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,586 ♪ Grab your partner nice and slow ♪ 107 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:48,887 ♪ Allemande left and ♪ 108 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,990 (slows, distorts): ♪ Do-si-doh. ♪ 109 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,293 ♪ That's the last time I had work ♪ 110 00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,994 ♪ Now I'm just a homeless jerk ♪ 111 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,996 ♪ Allemande left and prance to the right ♪ (cat yowls) 112 00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,299 ♪ I need a place to spend the night. ♪ 113 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:02,267 NARRATOR: Springfield had never won 114 00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,569 a championship in any sport. 115 00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,638 The only banner on the gym wall 116 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,740 was one that came with the building. 117 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,909 But now, there was a shot. 118 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,812 I was so proud of Bart, I did anything I could 119 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,314 to help him practice. 120 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:16,948 Mm! 121 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,417 But then it happened. 122 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,985 Fame went to Bart's head. 123 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,422 Just once, I'd like to see science go to his head. 124 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,458 He's got more D's than Dolly Parton! 125 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,827 I'm not sure what that means, but please use the joke. 126 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,096 I paid someone 25 bucks for it. 127 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,197 (music playing over earbuds) 128 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,599 Bart Simpson, can ya please join the team? 129 00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,768 Man, I am the team. 130 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,370 Aw, that tears it! 131 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,805 I'm not coaching anymore! 132 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,640 I'm going back to what I love doing: 133 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:44,142 drowning gophers. 134 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,778 (whistling) 135 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,714 Ah! What was that for?! 136 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,849 Our new coach will be parent-volunteer 137 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,851 and Bart owner, Homer Simpson. 138 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,319 (reporters gasp) 139 00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,620 Do you know anything about basketball? 140 00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,621 Why the change? 141 00:05:56,623 --> 00:05:58,290 What is your basketball philosophy? 142 00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:01,360 Shower at home so no one makes fun of your weenie. 143 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,729 I learned that from the late great Red Auerbach. 144 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,831 No more questions! 145 00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,399 D'oh! 146 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,835 What the hell is that thing doing in a gym?! 147 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:11,636 Your new coach, everybody! 148 00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,839 Bart got a coach who would kiss his butt 149 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,641 like one cheek was Kobe and the other Kareem. 150 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,478 Well, there is no "I" in "team." 151 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,480 There's no "U" in "effort." 152 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,981 There's no "X" in "dog"! 153 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,050 What do Oscar the Grouch's feet look like? 154 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,318 Nobody knows! 155 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,087 I have a TV for Bart Simpson. 156 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,823 (sighs) Just put it with the others. 157 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,925 I'm worried he's getting a little spoiled. 158 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,228 HOMER: Oh, that's ridiculous. 159 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,063 Excuse me, sir. 160 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,665 Bart says no unauthorized photography. 161 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,068 Don't look directly at him! 162 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,237 (Taser zapping) 163 00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,305 ♪ ♪ 164 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,110 NARRATOR: As Bart's showboating veered 165 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,279 ever closer to globetrotting, 166 00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:55,947 the disrespect grew. 167 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,716 Can you clean that for me, Coach? 168 00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,584 And that, and that, and those, 169 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,720 and that, and that. 170 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,622 What are you looking at? 171 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,791 HOMER: What the...?! 172 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,260 NARRATOR: But after one showboat shot too many, 173 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:12,564 Homer Simpson had something he'd never had before: enough. 174 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:16,034 Uh, son, some of the other parents are complaining. 175 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,036 Apparently, they're attached to their children, 176 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,205 and they want to see them touch the ball. 177 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,541 They can touch it in the team photo. 178 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,643 I'm going to draw up a play. 179 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,478 One where you pass. 180 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,281 Why don't you pass a physical, you boozy bag of goo. 181 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:32,083 Marge is right. You're getting spoiled! 182 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:34,786 Before you strangle me, maybe you should check the scoreboard. 183 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,924 I'm your dad and your coach. 184 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,926 And because no one else would, your godfather. 185 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,894 So hit the bench! 186 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,896 NARRATOR: When we return, the interesting part. 187 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,903 From now on, you're going to be a team player. 188 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,338 No more important than anyone. 189 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,639 Except Milhouse. 190 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,675 I'm on the team 'cause it's my ball. 191 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,010 NARRATOR: Certain people had begun to notice 192 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:01,346 Bart's unhappiness. 193 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:05,617 People with criminal backgrounds. 194 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,587 They had more records than Dolly Parton. 195 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:12,157 Man, that is a joke that keeps on giving. 196 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,292 This is gonna break my heart, but... 197 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,794 (groans) 198 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:18,463 Yeah, the kid was ripe for criminal exploitation. 199 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,032 And in this town, the other cops are pathetic. 200 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,535 Fat, lazy. You want to find one? 201 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:26,771 Just follow the sound of a milkshake being sucked. 202 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:32,677 (slurping) 203 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,613 There's no belt that fits me. 204 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,982 I'm wearing police tape around my waist. 205 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,652 I saw the kid was upset, so I took him for cannoli. 206 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:41,987 That's not a crime. 207 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,822 (whispers): You don't know what a crime is. 208 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,291 Not that I'd know what a crime is. 209 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,526 (whispers indistinctly) 210 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,561 What's with all the psst-psst-psst? 211 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,731 Have you sprung a leak, or do you want to? 212 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,799 (whispers): I don't think that's advisable to say that. 213 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,669 I've been told I was just kidding. 214 00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,972 Fat Tony, enjoy this-a cannoli on-a the house. 215 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,476 It's like eating the bone-a marrow of an angel. 216 00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,511 Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 217 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:09,481 NARRATOR: They talked about life and basketball, 218 00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:12,484 a game Fat Tony had always loved. 219 00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,686 Basketball is just like life. 220 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:18,323 It's filled with a court, shooting and guards. 221 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,691 (whispers indistinctly) 222 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,661 Basketball is nothing like life. 223 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:25,997 NARRATOR: Fat Tony saw an opening, and he took it. 224 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,066 FAT TONY: 225 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,671 BART: 226 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:36,107 FAT TONY: 227 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,776 BOTH: 228 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,578 NARRATOR: And at his next game, 229 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,947 Bart did a very odd thing. 230 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:44,516 DREDERICK TATUM: And with Springfield up by a meager one point, 231 00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:45,617 star guard Bart Simpson 232 00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:47,385 is just dribbling, he's not shooting, 233 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,720 with two minutes to go. 234 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,789 ♪ ♪ 235 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,563 I don't know how, but Homer gained 12 pounds 236 00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,098 chewing towels. 237 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,400 I put jelly on 'em. 238 00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,635 (whistle blows) 239 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:06,037 Time expired! 240 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,773 Bart didn't know it, but he was point shaving. 241 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,875 That's when a player wins the game, 242 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:13,211 but makes sure his team doesn't cover the spread. 243 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:16,581 The team's happy, the gamblers are happy, everybody wins. 244 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,617 The only unhappy person is someone like me, 245 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,452 who has to explain the thing. 246 00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:23,388 Well, at least you'll let me play my saxophone. 247 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:24,589 (inhales deeply) 248 00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,091 Good thing you cut that song. 249 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,928 Did you know I once took a train halfway across Cleveland? 250 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,930 NARRATOR: This is not a video trick. 251 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,632 He really just stopped moving, 252 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,234 but Bart had just gotten started. 253 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,802 ♪ ♪ 254 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:55,587 You could be an accessory to a crime, you know. 255 00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:57,422 Are you letting your anger at Dad 256 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,991 make you into a patsy for the mob? 257 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,926 Hey, Bart Simpson is nobody's patsy. 258 00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:05,864 Hey, Bart, Fat Tony says to win by less than six points. 259 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,633 Here's a list of acceptable point differentials. 260 00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,669 It could be five, four, three... 261 00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,871 You realize you're having this conversation 262 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,139 in front of a reporter. 263 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,674 Hey, I don't see no reporter. 264 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,543 I see a little girl with futile dreams of fitting in. 265 00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,646 Gee whiz, you don't have to be so mean. 266 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,549 That's the business I'm in! Whoa! Hey! 267 00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,020 (calliope music playing) 268 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,330 Shoot! Shoot! Just like I drew it up! 269 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,832 Okay, here's a shot: 270 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,902 you're not bald, your hair left out of embarrassment. 271 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,904 Why, you little...! (choking) 272 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,338 (crowd gasps) 273 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,339 (crowd cheers) 274 00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,175 (buzzer blares) 275 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:53,078 I'll teach you to win the game! 276 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,347 You stupid buzzer-beating, clutch-shooting... Oh, come on, man. 277 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,349 ...ice water in your veins... I'm taking my talents to Shelbyville. 278 00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,251 ...here comes the post-game interview! 279 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,721 You have to give them credit... This is the first thing you've done as a coach. 280 00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:04,589 ...they played hard! 281 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,658 People are gonna hear about this, Dad. I'm so proud of these boys, 282 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,427 and especially our sixth man... You're still nicer than Bobby Knight. 283 00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:10,662 ...the fans! 284 00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:12,697 All right, let me hear your side. 285 00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:15,200 Sorry, my side is exclusive to my charity, 286 00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,901 The American Fart Association. 287 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:17,836 Why, you little...! 288 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,738 (grunting) 289 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,775 (laughs) 290 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,610 Checkmate. 291 00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,345 (laughs) 292 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,747 D'oh! 293 00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:31,616 NARRATOR: But the boy who could spin a ball with his doodle 294 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,852 was about to learn a very tough lesson. 295 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:39,190 BART: 296 00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,259 FAT TONY: 297 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,029 BART: 298 00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:48,066 NARRATOR: Fat Tony denied he'd made any money, 299 00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:51,903 but this FBI footage suggests otherwise. 300 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,905 I thought I was just keeping the score down 301 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,073 to get back at my Dad, 302 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,809 but Fat Tony was betting against us, every game. 303 00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,544 I was a patsy. 304 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,079 Ow! She didn't mean that. 305 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,648 D'oh! Ow! Ow! 306 00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:14,325 I was scared, Milhouse scared. 307 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:17,128 Why do you keep cutting to me? 308 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,830 And then it got worse. 309 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,932 Fat Tony told me to lose the finals. 310 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,935 Not win by a little, but lose or else. 311 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,103 "Or else"? 312 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,405 My client does not speak like that. 313 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:30,508 Yeah, now drop the subject, or else. 314 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,977 Edit that out, or else. 315 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,980 I-I'm gonna stop talking... or else. 316 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,148 Damn it. 317 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,818 NARRATOR: What did Fat Tony say to Bart? 318 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,354 His capo, Johnny Tightlips, refused to talk. 319 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,661 Anyone here own a black Lincoln Continental, 320 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,963 license plate, "Zero to Say"? 321 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,164 It's being towed. 322 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,465 Sir, you're the only one here. 323 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,834 I saw you get out of it. 324 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,368 Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe I am. 325 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,870 Maybe you did. Or maybe it's not. 326 00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,271 And I'm not, and you didn't. 327 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,040 But you didn't hear this, that, or the other thing. 328 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:02,941 Or maybe you did. 329 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:06,044 Hey! My granny's in there! 330 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,446 Shaving points was one thing, but he wanted me to lose. 331 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:11,749 I let down my team. I let down my town. 332 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:24,195 So, I guess this is where I break down and cry. 333 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:27,732 (crying) 334 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,901 Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to cry. 335 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,503 No. This is my story. 336 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:33,504 Tighten on me. 337 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:34,906 Tighten on me. 338 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,475 Fine. Tighten on him then rack focus to me. 339 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,044 Dad, this is supposed to be about us getting together. 340 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,480 Fine. Tighten on him. Rack focus to me. 341 00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,681 Cut to a wide shot. 342 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:44,716 Split screen with Marge. 343 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,484 Truck in, nice and slow. 344 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,254 Then cut to a "B" roll of me eating a tuna fish sandwich. 345 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,389 Dad, how did you learn these things? 346 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,092 Son, show business is everybody's business. 347 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,928 Dutch angle, photo negative and freeze! 348 00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,164 I'm a excommation point! 349 00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:02,934 In the gym that night, you could cut the tension with a knife, 350 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,236 but, uh, we don't allow knives in school, 351 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,704 not even in metaphors. 352 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:09,207 ♪ We got to fight the powers that be ♪ 353 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:10,842 ♪ Fight the power ♪ 354 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,678 ♪ Fight the power. ♪ 355 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,980 (crowd cheering) 356 00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:20,285 ANGER WATKINS: Another bucket by Bart Simpson! 357 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,587 His sloppy play is a distant memory, 358 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,888 like Nelson's father. 359 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,590 Yeah, interesting side note: 360 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,593 Nelson left a ticket for his father in case he showed up. 361 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,862 And he did show up, but then he sold the ticket 362 00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:33,364 without seeing Nelson, and he skipped town again. 363 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,565 You believe that? 364 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,601 Rejected! 365 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,102 Like I've been rejected. 366 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,871 Nothing but net! 367 00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,773 Which is what my mom wears in the strip club. 368 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,742 It was in the third quarter when the game really got weird, 369 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,011 and I got a low bar for weird. 370 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,113 (grunts) 371 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,616 Bart went to shoot, and took a hard foul 372 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:52,984 from his own best friend. 373 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,686 ♪ ♪ 374 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:09,934 Let's just say Bart wasn't the only one Fat Tony had gotten to. 375 00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,570 This was my bobblehead. 376 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:16,908 They got to him, in my bedroom, where he bobbled. 377 00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,843 Hey, let's just say that bobblehead 378 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,279 won't be attending no more giveaway days. 379 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,114 You keep shooting your mouth, 380 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,751 you'll wind up in that building going up on Third Street. 381 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:29,687 It's a Third Street address, but actually you enter on Lincoln. 382 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,823 Yet another secret revealed! 383 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,459 I'm sorry, Dad. I was a jerk. 384 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,127 The good thing about being a kid 385 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:39,664 is you get to make mistakes so you don't make them as an adult. 386 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,765 Thanks, Dad. 387 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,667 But don't you still make mistakes? 388 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,703 The best one was you, son. Aw. 389 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,472 Now go win that game! 390 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,540 NARRATOR: And win he did. 391 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,045 He blew our net budget for the next ten years. 392 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:56,180 (buzzer blares) 393 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,950 NARRATOR: But not everyone was cheering. 394 00:16:58,952 --> 00:17:00,184 Is he going for a gun? 395 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,285 (sighs): Oh. 396 00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:03,154 Get me a gun. (screams) 397 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,722 We thought we were goners. 398 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,558 Our lives flashed before our eyes. 399 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,627 I had a lot of crazy jobs. 400 00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:12,230 And then the cavalry came on her stupid high horse. 401 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,664 LISA: Let them go. 402 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,868 Really? And what do you have on me? 403 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:17,835 The goods. 404 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,871 The goods? Oh, that sounds bad. 405 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,573 Fat Tony, may I speak to you in Italian? 406 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,375 I don't know Italian. 407 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,710 How about Sicilian? 408 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,844 That's a language? 409 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,679 How about I say it like Porky Pig? 410 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:29,981 E-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee... 411 00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:31,582 Say what you got to say. 412 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,385 Turns out I'm the hero of this documentary. 413 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,054 I think that deserves a chyron. 414 00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:40,491 It happens that Fat Tony had a secret, 415 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,728 a secret I had uncovered with a little bit of research. 416 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,664 I wondered, if Fat Tony liked basketball so much, 417 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,899 why didn't he play? 418 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,934 Turns out he had. 419 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,869 For a girls' team. 420 00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:55,206 And if there's one thing a Mafia boss doesn't want known, 421 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,842 it's that he was the third-string shooting guard 422 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,911 on the Springfield Little Debbies. 423 00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:04,182 You keep quiet about what you know. 424 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,950 All of you keep quiet! 425 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,385 Keep quiet about what, boss? 426 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:08,853 The man Spanx you wear? 427 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,089 Your high school nickname, Robert DeZero? 428 00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,357 The way you cried at Toy Story 2? 429 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:14,892 That's not even the sad one. 430 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:15,960 What? What? 431 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,196 Why do you keep talking? 432 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,031 I'm sorry. It's a nervous condition. 433 00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:23,634 Can you give me the name of that secret shrink you see? 434 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,802 So, we made a deal. 435 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,438 I'd forget if Fat Tony forgave. 436 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,240 But now the secret's out. 437 00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:30,808 It's in a documentary. 438 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:33,444 No one watches those, unless it's a documentary 439 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,247 where a rich guy kills people and no one knows about it. 440 00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,282 As far as you know. (chuckles) 441 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,454 BURNS: I'm guilty, guilty, guilty. 442 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,056 SMITHERS: Sir, you know you're on mic. 443 00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:46,991 BURNS: Who is this Mike you're speaking of? 444 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,159 We'll kill him, too! 445 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,329 NARRATOR: But all sports stories have an upside, 446 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:53,998 unless you're a Detroit Lions fan. 447 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,568 So this young man, showboat and friend of the mob, 448 00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,171 gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. 449 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:03,307 It's a travesty wrapped in outrage, 450 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:07,145 marinated in a sauce of everything's gone to hell! 451 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,114 I admit, it was fun. 452 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:13,484 For a short time, we had our own little superstar. 453 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,086 And he kept playing. 454 00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:17,455 Then he ran up against one tall kid, 455 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,757 and found out he really wasn't that good. 456 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:23,528 But Lisa, Lisa had a real talent for journalism. 457 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,096 Whatever that gets us. 458 00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:27,765 Homer, we have to end on something sweet. 459 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,700 (lovingly): Whatever that gets us. 460 00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,941 ♪ Now basketball is my favorite sport ♪ ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 461 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,110 ♪ I like the way they dribble up and down the court ♪ (whistle blows) 462 00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:41,112 ♪ I keep it so fresh on the microphone ♪ 463 00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:42,880 ♪ I like no interruption when the game is on ♪ ♪ Game's on ♪ 464 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,016 ♪ I like slam dunks that take me to the hoop ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ 465 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,117 ♪ My favorite play is... ♪ 466 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:47,485 Sorry, y'all. 467 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,554 ♪ I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go ♪ 468 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:52,356 ♪ And it's basketball, Bow Wow, let's go... ♪ 469 00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,959 Yeah. Nothing but nerd. 470 00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,227 ♪ All around the world ♪ 471 00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:59,530 ♪ We love that basketball ♪ ♪ Yeah... ♪ 472 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,799 No, I didn't! 473 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,968 ♪ Basketball... ♪ 474 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,904 I admit it, I was a total boob. 475 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,507 Oh! Why do I keep going there? 476 00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:12,476 ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ They're playing basketball ♪ 477 00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:13,878 ♪ All around the world ♪ 478 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,846 ♪ We love that basketball... ♪ 479 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,649 NARRATOR: And Nelson's dad came back. 480 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:19,917 And I should know. 481 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,052 He's me. 482 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,054 Haw-haw! 483 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,922 (gasps) Papa! 484 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:28,092 (crying) 485 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:30,661 So, you're making narrator money. 486 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:34,031 That's right, and I brought Nelson a gift. 487 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:36,400 Sleeves for my vest! 488 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,837 Son, you look just like a parole officer. 489 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:43,040 NARRATOR: And so we were a family again, 490 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,109 just long enough to take this picture. 491 00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:58,789 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 492 00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:33,891 Shh!