1 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,808 D'oh! 2 00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,043 (tires screeching) 3 00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,377 (grunts) 4 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,217 (thunder crashes, electricity crackles) 5 00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:23,755 There's nothing too short that I can't cameo. 6 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,397 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,869 ANNOUNCER: Intramural softball, 8 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,771 where even the most overweight tubbo 9 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,373 can pretend to be an athlete. 10 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,442 (dramatic music plays) 11 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,221 Play ball! 12 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:57,623 (drunken clamoring) 13 00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:58,790 You play ball! 14 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,293 Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! This guy! 15 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:02,961 Those Indian Point Nuclear jerks, 16 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,097 they think they're so great because their fallout radius 17 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,565 includes Manhattan. 18 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,867 How many Mets games can you postpone? 19 00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:10,269 Fuggettabowtit! 20 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,903 Hey! Oh! Pizza! 21 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,106 Tattoos! Verrazano Bridge! 22 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,743 Everyone is so out of shape. 23 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:20,212 It's like watching maple syrup play softball. 24 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:23,282 Yeah, Dad hit a home run five minutes ago 25 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,317 and he's still rounding second. 26 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,386 (dramatic music plays) 27 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,457 Let's just call it a triple. 28 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:34,059 Oh. (grunts) 29 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,396 The triple, the most exciting play in baseball. 30 00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,897 Except this time. 31 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,266 Fun fact: the odds of a baseball hitting a bird 32 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,903 are one in a billion, but I've seen it four times. 33 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,972 (crowd cheering) MAN: We're out of beer! 34 00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:50,475 Burnsie, old buddy, you care for a cigar? 35 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:51,843 Oh, thanks, but no. 36 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,579 If I inhale warmed air, I tend to float away. 37 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:56,181 (sighs) You ever think we're watching 38 00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,750 the last generation of nukemen? 39 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:01,753 No one wants to go into this dirty business anymore. 40 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:04,623 Fiddle-faddle, nuclear power is the industry of tomorrow. 41 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,924 Oh, yeah? Says who? 42 00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:07,125 Life magazine, 43 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,427 The Saturday Evening Stenograph, 44 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:09,628 and Professor Noodle Stroodle 45 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,263 and the Dove Soap March of Comedy. 46 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:14,499 Me? I'm thinking of getting into, uh, to solar. 47 00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:16,268 I won't use it myself, 48 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,770 I'll sell it to the poor people and the musicians. 49 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,172 Oh, not me. 50 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,274 I vow that nuclear power will continue 51 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,809 long after my body is gone 52 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,611 and my brain is in a shark that can walk on land. 53 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,815 I'll educate a new generation of nuclear workers. 54 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,817 And I'll find those bright-eyed radio-activists 55 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,554 at my alma mater: Yale. 56 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,522 (grunts) 57 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,491 (horn honks) 58 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,826 Hey! Yo! 59 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,461 I'm eatin' Mister Softee over here! (horn honks) 60 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:44,396 Hey, kayak on the Hudson! 61 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,997 (tires screech) 62 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,299 It's always wonderful 63 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,967 when a successful... 64 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,636 And childless. ...alumnus returns. 65 00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:54,740 It's delightful how you take turns sniffing after my money. 66 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:58,977 Now here's a group that was established in 1909. 67 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,012 Pfft. I hate modern music. 68 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:05,150 ♪ To the tables down at Mory's ♪ 69 00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:08,887 ♪ To the place where Louie dwells ♪ 70 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:12,357 ♪ To the dear old Temple Bar ♪ 71 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:15,227 ♪ We love so well. ♪ 72 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:16,762 (chuckles) The Whiffenpoofs. 73 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:19,064 I'll buy you a new library if you have them killed. 74 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,700 So many have tried to kill them. 75 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,236 But other smug jackasses in white gloves 76 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,871 would just take their place. 77 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:29,174 ♪ We can't be stopped. ♪ 78 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,109 Well, I am here to offer you money. 79 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:34,246 I'd like to endow a Department of Nuclear Plant Management. 80 00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,514 Wonderful. 81 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:37,682 Of course we can't do nuclear. 82 00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:40,285 Our students are highly-entitled wusses. 83 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,188 You'd be creating a space for violence to happen. 84 00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:48,527 How about funding a chair in the non-narrative cinema 85 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,096 of self-identified pan-sexuals? 86 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:53,198 What? What? What? What? What?! 87 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,966 We also need to hire more deans 88 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,602 to decide which Halloween costumes are appropriate. 89 00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,404 Eight deans should do it. 90 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:02,407 (sputters) Is this still a coven of capitalism 91 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:05,076 where evil money can acquire a patina of virtue? 92 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,778 Yes, that's in our charter. 93 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,414 But with an issue as hetero-patriarchal 94 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,749 as nuclear power, 95 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,618 we'll have to hire multicultural empathizers, 96 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,253 build a new safe space. 97 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,055 Not so fast. 98 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,258 We insist on a chair of anti-nuclear studies 99 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,061 and a nuclear-neutral curriculum pathway. 100 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,896 Absolutely, Teddy. 101 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,065 We run all decisions past the squash team. 102 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,134 Also the fencing team, water polo 103 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,902 and Handsome Dan the mascot. 104 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:33,171 (goofy laughter) 105 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,174 Release me, you hound. 106 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:37,309 (goofy laughter) 107 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,443 Oh, yeah. 108 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:41,079 What's happened to this place? 109 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,248 (dramatic sting playing) 110 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,149 (gasps) 111 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,585 (gasps) 112 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,856 This was the home of ruthless media disruptor 113 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,190 Samuel F.B. Morse. 114 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,926 Who's his successor? That fellow? 115 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:58,129 "Fellow"? That word is cis-gender-normative, okay? 116 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,464 You're worse than Hitler! 117 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:00,866 Too late for flattery. 118 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,201 I'm not giving this school a dime. 119 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,875 Former Bonesman! 120 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:11,142 MAN: Living or dead? 121 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,744 Living, but you'd better hurry. 122 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,213 Engage cloaking device. 123 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,185 Ah, nothing relaxes me like a stiff drink 124 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,320 from the skull of Martin Van Buren. 125 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,823 Care for some Pancho Villa? 126 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:28,093 Ugh. Has everything in this school surrendered to diversity? 127 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:31,496 Yale's on its way out. 128 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,965 That's why I started my own line of colleges. 129 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,967 287 campuses. 130 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,036 We took over all the old Circuit Citys. 131 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,804 Really? 132 00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:43,808 Using teachers these holier than thou Ivies fired for cause. 133 00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:45,810 I celebrated Columbus Day. 134 00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:48,146 I, uh, referred to God as "He." 135 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,848 I got five students pregnant. 136 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,484 Hmm, I could start my own college. 137 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,685 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 138 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,186 We can't talk business in here. 139 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,422 Just general schemes for world domination. 140 00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:59,357 Fraternal handshake? 141 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,326 Oh, all right. 142 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:07,299 You are on my radar. 143 00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:11,303 (slurping) 144 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,941 (grunting) 145 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,411 (crackling) 146 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,879 What you doing, Mr. B? 147 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,914 I never want to see the word "Yale" again. 148 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,550 We're changing all our locks to Schlage. 149 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:29,254 Eh, to be honest, I'm thinking of starting my own college. 150 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,256 You can make a big fat profit. 151 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:33,091 A for-profit college? 152 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,626 Eh, that's where I went. 153 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,528 University of Phoenix, Oklahoma in Washington State. 154 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,196 At least that's where it was last month. 155 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,431 It moves around quite a bit. 156 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,032 A for-profit college? 157 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,300 You said that already, sir. 158 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,636 A for-profit college? 159 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,906 ("Pomp and Circumstance" plays) Excellent. 160 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,542 Kudos. 161 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,043 (chuckles) 162 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:54,546 And now for your first economics lesson. 163 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,281 So long, suckers! 164 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,016 (screaming) 165 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:00,952 Boola Boola? 166 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,721 (sinister chuckle) Moola moola. 167 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,761 The world is faster than ever, 168 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,262 and you can't make it without a college degree. 169 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,430 But for some reason 170 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,900 worthy students don't always get in. 171 00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,503 Students these days don't have four years to waste 172 00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:20,939 at a fully-accredited institution. 173 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,008 Burns University will grab you by the pants 174 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,143 and fling you into the job of your dreams. 175 00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:26,745 Elder care associate. 176 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,179 (boing noise) 177 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,348 Museum manager, nighttime. 178 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,750 (boing noise) 179 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,284 TV re-capper. 180 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,487 (boing noise) 181 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,155 BURNS: Burns University gives you a degree 182 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,590 you can print on your computer. 183 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,991 Out of the sight of the law. 184 00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,627 I'm proud to be the first in my family 185 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:45,130 to earn non-transferable credits. 186 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,799 I've made a billion dollars through ruthless backstabbing. 187 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,467 But now, for no apparent reason, 188 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,003 I seem to be helping young people. 189 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,338 So start your future today. 190 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,973 Because at Burns University... 191 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:58,843 ALL: Your life gets the full Monty! 192 00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:00,779 (chuckles) What are you laughing at? 193 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:03,581 Does "the Full Monty" have some sort of naughty double meaning? 194 00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:06,851 ♪ I believe in miracles ♪ 195 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,888 ♪ Where you from ♪ 196 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,122 ♪ You sexy thing... ♪ 197 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,792 If only our faculty could be hired so easily. 198 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,061 Oh, but we already have a faculty: them! 199 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,029 Sir, these people can barely run the plant, 200 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,964 much less teach on the side. 201 00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:22,233 Smithers, when you think of teachers, what do you think of? 202 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:23,568 Low-paid workforce with no healthcare 203 00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:24,869 in a toxic environment. 204 00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:26,805 And there you have them. 205 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,474 Just pull them off one-by-one till the power stops. 206 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:31,042 We'll be fine. 207 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,044 (Marge humming) 208 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,479 What are you teaching, Dad? 209 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,347 I'm giving lectures on what I do at work. 210 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,216 Well, what do you do at work? 211 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,752 Well, I... you know, the button stuff. 212 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,754 Have you prepared a reading list? 213 00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:44,022 I have to read? 214 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,424 No, it's for them. Whoo-hoo! 215 00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,726 (groans) 216 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:50,195 But what are you actually gonna say to them? 217 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,330 I'll start with the life cycle of the atom. 218 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:55,266 A baby atom is called a "neutron," 219 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:58,436 when it turns professional, it becomes a proton. 220 00:08:58,438 --> 00:08:59,904 And if it runs for office, 221 00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:01,372 it's an electron. 222 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,374 (Lisa gulping, sighs) 223 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,543 Lisa, did you just drink that? 224 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,778 (slurred): How'd you guess? 225 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,114 No, "sheriously." Oh, wow. 226 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,916 Wow, my first slurred word. 227 00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:15,420 Dad, a college education is important. 228 00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,789 It's my only hope for getting me out of this-- 229 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,758 pardon me, Mom-- dump. 230 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,626 Lisa, go to bed right now. 231 00:09:21,628 --> 00:09:24,095 Oh, keep your pants on, lady. Dad! (gasps) 232 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,765 Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! 233 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,100 I believe in higher education. 234 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,902 You are a teacher. 235 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,771 If you make a joke out of it, 236 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,607 (voice breaking): you are crushing my only hope. 237 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,908 (sobbing) 238 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,943 As the good kid here, I have to point out 239 00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:40,211 she's acting very badly. 240 00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,280 For shame. 241 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,449 Lisa, sweetie, my professor money's 242 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,284 going into your college fund. 243 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,919 Ooh, that's good, I guess. 244 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,587 How much is in it now? 245 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,623 Depends on what we do with Grampa after he dies. 246 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,057 Just burn me! 247 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:54,926 Ooh, well, that's the most expensive option 248 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,461 I'm considering. 249 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,630 BURNS: Welcome to Burns University. 250 00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,298 Don't park at Del Taco. 251 00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:04,469 Our motto: Ut uberiores divites. 252 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,672 Well, doesn't that mean "The rich get richer"? 253 00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:09,440 Ooh, this prestigious school 254 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,276 doesn't need Latin-translating troublemakers. 255 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,877 You're expelled! 256 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,282 (dog barking) 257 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,850 When do I throw this in the air? 258 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,952 You're a professor, so you don't throw it. 259 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,520 In fact, you hardly ever wear it. 260 00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,255 Geez, I had this custom-made. 261 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,857 Apartheid's over, Lenny. 262 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,091 It worked! 263 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,093 Mm-hmm. 264 00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,630 Man, copying is so hard. 265 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,199 Any questions? 266 00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:35,366 Yes. What does it mean? 267 00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,602 Uh, what do you think it means? 268 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,138 Remember, there are no wrong answers. 269 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,706 Well, I would guess that, uh, 270 00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,474 three neutrons coming out when only one went in, 271 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,344 uh, leads to some kind of chain reaction. 272 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,179 Wrong. There's always a class clown. 273 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,948 Ten-minute coffee break. 274 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:53,685 Um, any of you homies want to sell Schedule I narcotics 275 00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,119 to a fellow teenager? 276 00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,621 You're a teenager? 277 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,523 What year were you born? 278 00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:01,459 Hey, you're not the cop around here. I am! 279 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:02,794 (groans) What? 280 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,629 Oh, right, my cover. 281 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,864 Seriously, people. 282 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,699 Some of us are here to learn. 283 00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,134 Professor, half-life of radium, if you please. 284 00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:11,536 Don't look at book! 285 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,708 Ugh. You're crushing me. 286 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,344 What the hell is that? 287 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,511 Guys. You know what? 288 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,380 It's a beautiful day. 289 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,382 Why don't we have class outside? 290 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:28,152 Yes, that's it. Go on outside. 291 00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:30,321 I'm totally unqualified. I don't even know 292 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,090 how to get outside from here. 293 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,159 That's the answer! 294 00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:36,527 Oh, wait. 295 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,763 Hey, what's the matter, Professor? 296 00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:40,265 He don't know what to teach his class. 297 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:42,433 Homer's just not cut out to be a pedagogue. 298 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,168 That's easy. You just got to register. 299 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,837 Stay away from playgrounds. 300 00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,672 Oh, you said "pedagogue." 301 00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:51,876 (sighs) So this is what it's like to fail at something. 302 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,611 LISA: I can help you, Dad. 303 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:57,015 Aw, if it isn't Daddy's little wino. 304 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,950 No, I'm clean. One day clean. 305 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,351 Yeah, I know that tune. 306 00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:01,719 Just come with me. 307 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,721 You don't have time to learn anything, 308 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,024 but at least you can have a sense of mission. 309 00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,558 I got these for you. 310 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,094 Dead Poets Society, Stand and Deliver. 311 00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:13,031 Each one a portrait of a great teacher, told by Hollywood. 312 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,066 Played by stars, each one paid 313 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,602 more than a teacher makes in a million lifetimes. 314 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:20,138 I always cry at the end of Goodbye, Mr. Chips. 315 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,540 Mr. Chips is my name for my Fritos. 316 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,075 Just watch the movies. 317 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,411 ROBIN WILLIAMS (over TV): Words and ideas 318 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,979 can change the world. 319 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,314 Oh, look at the world! 320 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,482 It just did a boom-boom in its pants. 321 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,184 You, you change it. 322 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:37,822 Go to the woodshop and make yourself a push broom. 323 00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:39,624 You're gonna need it. 324 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,860 It's not a tumor. 325 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:47,598 Oh, they were great. They inspired me. 326 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,800 And the best part is where they show 327 00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,401 the real guy over the credits. 328 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,403 He looks just like the actor but fatter. 329 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:53,771 (snoring) (door slams) 330 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,006 Okay, listen up. 331 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:58,109 All it takes to be a great teacher is to care. 332 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,577 And I care. 333 00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,979 So I'm a great teacher. 334 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,781 I don't like you, and you don't like me, 335 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,950 but I'm your only ticket out of the barrio. 336 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,285 ¿Comprende, ése? 337 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,987 I understand. I understand plenty. 338 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,822 Do you know you can get a hot shower 339 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,257 by hooking up your hose to your car radiator? 340 00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:16,160 Towel off with the floor mat and feel like a king. 341 00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:18,463 ♪ Ah, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. ♪ 342 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:23,434 Good. Now he can bring the rest of the Latin Kings in line. 343 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:24,836 Okay, first lesson. 344 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,804 (whistle blows) 345 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,806 (Lenny shouts) 346 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,842 Always watch out for a little rod 347 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:33,111 falling into the back of your shirt. 348 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,645 I do it, like, every week. 349 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,782 Now remember, your chair has three levers: 350 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,617 down, back and lock. 351 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,486 Down, back and lock. 352 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,055 Together. ALL: Down, back and lock! 353 00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:46,224 Down, back and lock! 354 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:48,292 Down, back and lock! 355 00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:50,128 Down, back and lock! 356 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,629 Carpe diem! 357 00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:53,798 So, Andre, is it true? 358 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,466 You're dropping out of my class? 359 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,168 May I ask why? 360 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,803 I... well, I... 361 00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:01,739 I-I want to go back to counseling at-risk teens. 362 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:04,642 No, Andre. You don't get to throw your life away. 363 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,011 I'll be here for every class. 364 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,846 Carpe diem. 365 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,214 Carpe diem. 366 00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:12,250 Just what does that mean, by the way? 367 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,218 Fish for a dime, my friend. 368 00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,187 Fish for a dime. 369 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,588 (mechanical whirring) 370 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,757 How much are we charging for hugs, Smithers? 371 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,492 Five dollars. But, uh, I'll give you one for free. 372 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:22,760 Quiet. 373 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:25,363 Monty, I want to buy the whole school. 374 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,031 But it must include Homer Simpson. 375 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,766 He is a great teacher. 376 00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,702 But first I must find out how much he's worth to the plant. 377 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,237 (whispers indistinctly) 378 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:36,674 I see. It seems I owe you a hundred thousand dollars. 379 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,543 Great lecture, Professor S. 380 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,178 I finally understand how gamma rays 381 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,013 turned Bruce Banner into the Hulk. 382 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:46,250 Always remember the equation, "gamma equals green." 383 00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:49,120 Man, I wish you were my father, Dad. 384 00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,255 Uh, Simpson, I've sold your contract. 385 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,424 No! You cannot stop me from teaching. 386 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,127 I was going to paint houses in the summer. 387 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,196 Nothing will stop the greatest teacher in the world 388 00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,764 from painting houses! 389 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,100 Oh, calm down. You'll be working for this man 390 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,935 at his private estate. 391 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,269 What? Me? 392 00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:06,771 Alone? Without my kids? 393 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:07,939 Yes. 394 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,774 Sounds good. Who are you? 395 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,709 The owner of more for-profit colleges 396 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,111 than anyone in the world. 397 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,446 But these students are going to miss you. 398 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,617 Thank you! 399 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,385 I just want to say, 400 00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:25,790 each and every one of you gets an incomplete! 401 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:26,924 I can't hear him. Can you? 402 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,126 Nope. 403 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,462 Love was the test. 404 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,664 And you all passed. 405 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:45,943 (screeches) 406 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,746 PILOT: Uh, folks, we'll be landing at Mr. Verlander's 407 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,815 secret estate shortly. 408 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:55,753 A flight attendant will be coming by to put 409 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:56,954 a blindfold over your eyes. 410 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,956 Cabin crew, please wipe your memory 411 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,025 and prepare for landing. 412 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:10,301 Which way do I go? 413 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,770 Uh, use the map! 414 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,541 D'oh! 415 00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:24,115 Homer Simpson. 416 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,816 AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Voice does not match file 417 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,185 from 1989. 418 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,619 (Walter Matthau voice): Let's go out 419 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:31,022 for frosty chocolate milkshakes. 420 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:34,792 Welcome, Homer Simpson. 421 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,494 Whoa. 422 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,329 Hmm. 423 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,032 Hmm? You unload your own dishwasher? 424 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,467 Yeah. If you don't, you get a, a funny smell. 425 00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:44,669 Now, come in. 426 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,170 Are you tired from your trip? 427 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,639 Let's get you a refreshing cryofreeze. 428 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,141 Rejuvenating, huh? 429 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,809 It opens your pores. 430 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,011 Uh, what happens if I pee in this? 431 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,313 Are you just asking? 432 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,148 Or did you already pee in it? 433 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,382 I'm asking for a friend. 434 00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,051 So what's our next activity? 435 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,053 I hope it's not square dancing. 436 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,754 I'd like you to meet the rest of my guests. 437 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,056 Hmm. 438 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,192 Homer, say hello to the greatest educators in the world. 439 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,561 Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. 440 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:14,732 The Solar System is over four and a half billion years old. 441 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,368 Jeopardy! champion of champions, Ken Jennings. 442 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,570 Who is "glad to meet you"? 443 00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,839 Financial educator Suze Orman. 444 00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,407 You are not allowed to buy a Mercedes 445 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:25,443 until you pay off your credit cards. 446 00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,211 Great, now you tell me. 447 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,447 Screenwriting guru Robert McKee. 448 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,716 Welcome to the act three climax, 449 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:35,586 resolution of story and subplots. 450 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:38,055 I expect you're wondering why I've assembled a team 451 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,890 of the world's greatest teachers. 452 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,692 To teach something. 453 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:42,860 To somebody. 454 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,263 Well, there are only six basic plots. 455 00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,231 Rise-fall, fall-rise, 456 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,200 steady fall, steady rise, 457 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:52,570 black cop-white cop, and stop that wedding. 458 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,205 Well, here's what I'm up to. 459 00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:56,107 This is Sallie. 460 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,309 And these are Sallie. 461 00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,111 And those are Sallie! 462 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,746 And those... 463 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,913 are Sullys. 464 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,250 Robot replicas of the greatest pilot of all time. 465 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,818 He lost all their bags. 466 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,420 No one talks about that. 467 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,790 You are the greatest living educators, of humans. 468 00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,759 But now you must face the greatest challenge 469 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,160 of your lives: 470 00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:19,764 Can you teach an artificial intelligence? 471 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,599 To teach a robot. 472 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,335 Now you've compounded my interest. 473 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,307 That was a very useful time cut. 474 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,642 Now, let's find out what's going on. 475 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,110 Leave that to me, Robert. 476 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,612 What's going on? 477 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,148 I'll tell you, and I won't kill you afterwards. 478 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,320 What? This is a student loan application. 479 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,121 Mm. Sallie... 480 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,623 Sallie Mae? 481 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,792 The Federal Student Loan Program? 482 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,594 You're creating an army of robots so advanced 483 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:52,630 that they can get student loans. 484 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,933 That's right. These stu-bots-- or ro-dents, if you prefer-- 485 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:58,002 will attend the universities I've been buying up 486 00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:01,539 and funnel billions of taxpayer dollars to me. 487 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,808 That's it. As Americans, it's our duty to either 488 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:08,079 stop evil billionaires or elect them to the highest office. 489 00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:12,516 Well, we've done it. You're all up to your polyurethane necks 490 00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:15,219 in debt and heading to Yale. 491 00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:16,854 Follow me. 492 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,222 SALLIES: Boola Boola. 493 00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,357 Boola Boola. 494 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,725 Good luck, Homer. 495 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,893 Will I see you at the last minute saving the day? 496 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,762 Nah, too clichéd. 497 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,968 The Sallies have blended right in. 498 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,471 We've got 12 productions of The Crucible going on, 499 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,873 and the deepest Division III women's lacrosse team 500 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,508 the world has ever seen. 501 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,577 (Homer murmuring) 502 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:43,581 They're perfect students in every way. 503 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:47,818 And that's their weakness. 504 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:53,891 Bleep, blop, bloop. 505 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,259 Bleep, bloop, blorp. 506 00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:56,594 I am a robot, too. 507 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,429 My father was a toaster. 508 00:19:58,431 --> 00:19:59,830 He's in botface. 509 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:02,066 That's unbelievably offensive. 510 00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,334 Microaggression. 511 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,102 Cultural appropriation. 512 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,537 Offensive. Offensive. 513 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,239 ALL: Offensive. 514 00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:11,742 Dear Lord, those teachers made them too human. 515 00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:13,344 You've ruined me. 516 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:14,545 Well, not completely. 517 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,448 I still have my health. 518 00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:20,518 So, how much will it cost if my daughter applies in ten years? 519 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,719 $2,000. 520 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,020 That's not so bad. 521 00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,356 That's the application fee. Oh, yeah. 522 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,463 Lisa, do you see them? The rings of Saturn. 523 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:33,631 I do. 524 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:36,200 The question is, what is five-sixths? 525 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,435 Marge, listen to me. 526 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,136 You can't fix stupid. 527 00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:41,405 You have to kill him for the insurance. 528 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:44,208 I've always said these tags are pointless. 529 00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,777 Story's over. Good night. 530 00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,116 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 531 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,453 ♪ To the tables down at Mory's ♪ 532 00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:59,457 ♪ To the place where Louie dwells ♪ 533 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:02,560 ♪ To the dear old Temple Bar ♪ 534 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:05,563 ♪ We love so well ♪ 535 00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:08,966 ♪ Sing the Whiffenpoofs assembled ♪ 536 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:12,603 ♪ With their glasses raised on high ♪ 537 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:18,108 ♪ And the magic of their singing casts its spell ♪ 538 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:21,679 ♪ Yes, the magic of their singing ♪ 539 00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:26,083 ♪ Of the songs we love so well. ♪ 540 00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:27,785 BURNS: Release the hounds. 541 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,587 (hounds growling) 542 00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:32,189 (people screaming) 543 00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:34,258 Shh!